My Nightie

[superlittlegirl]

Hello, all.

I respectfully submit my story "My Nightie" for your perusal and critique. I think it probably belongs in the Anal category, but I'm not positive.

http://www.angelfire.com/space/girlie/story.html

Thanks in advance,
superlittlegirl

My Picture Pages: http://www.angelfire.com/freak/superlittlegirl

 

[superlittlegirl]

One more thing....

Hello, again.

Just a quick thought. I feel like the second half of the story is more dynamic and much better resolved. Would I be better off just killing the first half and making it quick-and-dirty? Or would the removal of that buildup leave it flat? I think it is important to show the protagonist's motivation for fucking the way she does, but I just don't like the first half as much. I know already that it needs to be sent off to boot camp. <sigh> What to do?

--superlittlegirl

 

[superlittlegirl]

alternate site

They shut my page down to excessive bandwidth usage, so I made this alternate one. If the first one denies you access, try this:

http://www.angelfire.com/freak/stories/mynightie.html

Thanks!
superlittlegirl

 

[KillerMuffin]

Try submitting it to Literotica. You get more feedback that way.

 

[superlittlegirl]

Oh, but I did....

I did submit it to Literotica, but there's lag-time for approval. I'm also not satisfied with the finished product; I'd like to do a few more edits before I stick a fork in it. That's where feedback comes in; I've read it too many times to be objective and outside input gives me renewed zeal for the work. I did get a fabulously constructive critique from Quint; it has given me impetus to begin again. I just crave a wide range of response.

I know that you, KillerMuffin, are swamped with stories to read, but I would be thrilled if you looked at my story eventually. I like your surgical approach to critique and editing, and I would gladly offer my piece for your shrewd appraisal.

--superlittlegirl

 

[mcat7]

superlittlegirl, Your story is interesting and arousing, thanks for writing it. In responce to your request for critique of your story ihe following suggestions are submitted.
1. The set up and background for the story seems very sparse and without much direction. Could be shorter with more specific reference to get to the 'good part' quicker or longer with more descriptions to set the background and pace. As it is I know very little about the people involved, the WHO part is lacking.
2. The pace of the second part of the story is better with most of the emphasis being on the actual act. I did wonder why the male wanted to wear a night gown and what the female thought of him wearing it.
3. Your description of the act is nicely paced and sufficently decriptive to arouse me.
I really do hope this helps and that you contunue writing.

 

[superlittlegirl]

Thanks!

mcat7,

Thanks for your critique! I want to specifically address one point you brought up: the one about why he would want to wear a negligee and what she thought of it.

When I tried to get into my characters' heads, it occurred to me that a lot of the tension and awkwardness they were experiencing might have had to do with his desire/reluctance to introduce a new element into their sex play. Maybe that's why he was overly absorbed in his music while a hot little girl was writhing on his bed. Avoidance. That's why I made him so distant until the lights were out; he could tenatively test the waters without the fear of possible rejection. It's easier to be risky in the dark. But his admission of desire immediately and completely put the power into her hands; that's why she was able to flick the light on, take over, and fuck the hell out of him. And I thought that her incorporation of his negligee into her masturbation at the end was significant enough detail that she was aroused by his cross-dressing.

This makes perfect sense to me, but I also have a ton of unexpressed backstory in my mind that fills in the gaps. The writing needs to be tweaked if it is not getting the message across, so thanks for bringing those parts to my attention. I really appreciate the feedback!

--Freya

 

[mcat7]

Thanks

superlittlegirl, Was wishing that my opinion would be helpful, glad it is. Bottom line is that you were able to get me very horney with a good story. You did your job as an author. Hope to see more of your work soon. With affection, mcat7

 

[Quint]

This actually would probably belong better in "fetish," since it's ultimately about the cross-dressing craving rather than its sexy conclusion. Laurel would undoubtedly let it go either way, so it's your call: which audience would you rather draw in? (I'm more of an "anal" gal myself.)

I'm glad you finally got the critique you wanted. Incidentally (and off-camera), damn you are hot. Thanks for including that link on here, and thanks for doing it AFTER I critiqued your work...dunno how finicky I could be with my jaw on the ground. o) G'luck and keep us posted on future endeavors!

 

[jon.hayworth]

I thought the story was good very good!

But not perfect, these are my comments. -

Either there should have been some foreshadowing of cross-dressing, as there was of the oral sex; or there should have been some reaction by her to this sudden disclosure.

If you cut the build up a very cleverly constructed story, will become another Jack-Off story.

I agree with Quint it would fit into Fetish or Anal.

jon