My Newest :)

[christabelll]

Please take a gander - Under the Willow
Feedback is always welcome!


I like to think that I take everyones advice and gradually incorporate it all....

Thanks in advance for everything!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

An improvement, C. This time you've written a longer dream story, but it works. There are a few missing commas and you need to read up on dialogue ("You are a wicked man, John, just wicked," she said, when she could breathe again.)

Your story could have used a lot more dialogue. You seem to be telling the story. You should let your characters talk and show the story.

But over all, an improvement.

 

[Nasha]

I like to think that I take everyones advice and gradually incorporate it all....

Oh dear, don't do that!

First off, we're all dead wrong, at the worst of times, and in the best, only subjectively correct. And besides, you'll find that hard to do in those amusingly frequent cases when everyone's suggestions seem diametrically opposed.

The trick, as you develop your skills as a writer, is to also improve at listening to critiques, and taking only the advice which improves your stories, leaving your unique voice and authorial intentions--stylistic, plot, subtext, etc.--intact.

Blah, blah, blah.

I'll go have a peek at your story, now.

 

[christabelll]

Hehehe

Thanks Jenny - Yes you would have hated the first draft - not a word of dialogue! and no names LOL.

I have a story in the works (30 pages as of today). Tons of dialogue lots of action and oh my a plot of sorts ROFL.
Waiting to get it back from the editors (yes plural)

Hey Nasha,
I didn't say it was the bad criques (deliberate mispell there) that I incorporated
but serious demonstrative critiques that help me improve that I use.

Thanks both of you very much for taking the time to read it
and comment on it



OKay what do I do about the ones who suddenly want to "talk to you" in anon feedback?

Is there a way I can post what they said?

I generally ignore the blatant ones that say oh baby please chat me up ....

 

[Nasha]

Hey Nasha,
I didn't say it was the bad criques (deliberate mispell there) that I incorporated
but serious demonstrative critiques that help me improve that I use.

Sure, but my point is that even a substantive critique by an insightful reader can, at times, steer a writer amiss.

But nevermind me--I'm really reminding myself of this, more than anything, as I wade through a pile of notes from beta readers and work on a rewrite of my own.

 

[writelove]

I enjoyed your story. There was a nice peacefull flow to it. Nice descriptions of the tree, the lake, the sensuality, the sex. I do have a few suggestions but overall I did enjoy what you did.

I have a few general suggestions.

Others have mentioned that you are now using more dialog. I can't recall reading your works before so I can't compare. I do think even more dialog would be helpful.

Something is missing and I thought about this a while before trying to express it. Some event needs to have happened like John is about to go to war, he has cancer, she has cancer, something like that. It needs to be this thread that weaves in and out of all the descriptions, the love making, the peaceful scene.

This event should not be fully explained until the end, start off having them talk about how important this time is, a sadness that lingers. I want to be curious about what this is all about. This will drag me further and further into the story until it is revealed at the end.

Art is a balance between what is revealed and what is hidden. There is no art without this. A craft is a pretty picture. Art is something else, a mystery not only about what we see, but what we imagine. I'm not saying I can do this very well. I can however see it when it happens.

Specifics:

I would change - play it into a riot of long curls to - creating a riot of long curls

An errant breeze lifted John's hair to play it into a riot of long curls

Not a grammatically correct sentence

The small lines of care around his eyes had softened his lips were full and smiling.

Say -- "No, but I am to you anyway."

"No, but you keep telling me I am, at least to you."

Say -- Smiling, his eyes closed....

Smiling, his eyes drifted closed as he patted the spot beside him.

Awkward sentence

It was peaceful there under the tree, and they were sheltered within her green embrace, redolent with the scents of old and growing things.

This is the sort of thing you need to correct to make it a bit smoother.

Thanks for sharing your story.

 

[christabelll]

Thank you for taking the time to read it and give explicit examples.

funny... a few of the things you mentioned are things that snagged me after it had already gone for submission -

Hmmm.... So the underlying theme you felt was of tragedy - hmmm -
yes in a way you are right - when I originally wrote this story - I was feeling very sad and lonely for an old lover of mine - I wrote this with him in mind. Amazing that you picked up on the very subtle undertone.
If I were to spin this into a larger story I would indeed include more subplot - an underlying and abiding theme... Perhpas not tragedy but one of long months and days spent apart... a handful of days together - only to part again...
maybe

 

[CeriseNoire]

Hehehe

OKay what do I do about the ones who suddenly want to "talk to you" in anon feedback?

Is there a way I can post what they said?

I generally ignore the blatant ones that say oh baby please chat me up ....

There's an "anonymous" thread in the Author's Hangout forum.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

OKay what do I do about the ones who suddenly want to "talk to you" in anon feedback?

Is there a way I can post what they said?

I generally ignore the blatant ones that say oh baby please chat me up ....

Ignore them all and don't post what they say. However bizarre, they have copyright and you need their permission to publish.

Gonna take a peek now.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

(duplicated post - sorry)