My New Story

[Kim34DD]

Hi all. My new story has just been published. Link for it is here: https://www.literotica.com/s/young-hot-neighbour
Hope you all enjoy it. I'm really excited about this one and think it could be my best one yet.

 

[Smoothshavendad]

Hi all. My new story has just been published. Link for it is here: https://www.literotica.com/s/young-hot-neighbour
Hope you all enjoy it. I'm really excited about this one and think it could be my best one yet.

Very hot! Hopefully you will write a story about fucking Frank’s dad too. Is old guys want to fuck the hot neighbor too!

 

[frank_ryan2020]

I love it Kim

 

[JJA122]

I liked it, your stories are getting better.

 

[Kim34DD]

Thanks so much

 

[tomlitilia]

I think your story is OK, but here are a few things that you might want to think about for your next story. Certainly, these are my subjective opinions, so take them with as many grains of salt as you see fit.

1. The story comes off a bit rushed, both up to and and during the sex. You went from "they had only met once before" to "cum covered tits" in just over a thousand words. The entire sex scene was described in a few short paragraphs. Fleshing out the characters and story arc would likely make it more rewarding once the action happens.

2. Related, there isn't much of drama or conflict. She wants to show him her tits, so she shows him her tits. She wants have his cock inside her, so she takes his cock inside her. There is likely a lot more going on inside a mature woman's head when she fucks her young neighbor for the first time.

3. The switching of perspective is confusing. I think you'd be better off telling a short story like this from one character's point of view (third person limited). It gets a bit confusing sometimes, e.g. in "It looked so good covering them." To whom--Alison, Frank, or the narrator?

Good luck with future stories!

 

[CarsonJ]

I liked the story, a little short but nice.

I know some writers frown on POV hopping. The only problem I had with the POV hoping was it happened within paragraphs, making it a little confusing. You are a god and get to do what you want--some great writers POV hop (Virgina Woolf did it well.) I would just suggest making it clearer by giving the alternate POV its own paragraph at least. (Think of it like dialog, and change paragraphs for a new thinker.)

As to developing the characters more like Tomlittilia said, if the story is that she only met him once then how much more can his character be developed? If that’s your story, there is nothing wrong with it. Lots of readers like short stories.

Maybe a little more development to explain how such a woman got to the point of giving the young man what sounded like the experience of his life, but with such a short story any huge backstory might detract from the pace you set (which was nice.)

I think you did show with her tight pussy that she hadn’t been having sex. They always say--show don’t tell. And that showed it. Her blushing was a nice detail that hinted at the kind of woman she was, (which fit with a woman who hadn’t been giving it away all over town, no matter how much she liked to be looked at.) I think small details like that do more development than anything else. Some detail to show how much she needed the experience or what made his attention and hard cock set her off could have improved the story as far as her character.

Speaking about the comments from the prolific commentator Anonymous from your stories comment section: I think three o’clock looks better than 3’ o’clock, but I’ve never found any definitive rule on the use of numbers vs letters. I get anal-retentive trying to edit, and catching mistakes with plurals and possessives is hard. I did the math one time, and the errors I found meant my accuracy rate for my piece was 99.98 percent, but I still kicked myself. I’m sure your accuracy rate was well above 99 percent. I only noticed a few errors, (I didn’t get what the hell was complaining about.)

I’m so anal retentive that I looked up how to spell three o’clock, just for this comment. The first thing that came up was a quote from the philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, “Three o’clock is too late or too early for anything you want to do. An odd moment in the afternoon.”

It would be awesome if you were referencing that with your question--is three o’clock too early? But either way your story demonstrated that three o’clock was the perfect time for a little wine, sun, and some naughty fun.