My new story

[Latina]

I have a new story, Tropical Paradise, based on our recent one-week vacation. I don't know when it will actually show up on Literotica, but in the meantime, I've also put it on my own web site:

http://www.geocities.com/latina_tales/paradise.html

Hope you all like it.

-- Latina

 

[PaulX35]

A few comments

Latina,

You posted this thread twice, probably by accident. I only read one of the stories btw

Allow me a few impressions, the smaller stuff first.
You start off with an awfully cliche line. Even when it has been true for thousands of years - I think it's Taoist - you should do better in a first line, I think.

You use capitalized words with some regularity. It may be me, but I'm just not fond of it: it leaves me with a feeling the writer thinks I'm not smart enough to understand. If your dialogue or impressions are written with care, the reader will usually get it. Allow your reader to

Same goes for using terms like "sssoooo". If the writing job is done well, we will have that impression from the story. Using it in narrative paragraphs feels pushy to me; like you want to compensate for something.

In that respect you tell us repeatedly how terribly she is in love with her husband. But from the feel of the story I didn't really get that impression. Okay, they have a lot of sex, but being madly in love even after six years is one of many reasons for a week of hot sex, also in erotica-land.

If you use specific background, you should have the details right. With respect to sex scenes in a tropical forest I would want to see sweat then: you simply can't do anything sexual at 30 centigrades and 100% humidity without sweating, a lot even.
Also keep in mind that forest floors of tropical forests may not be as easy to lay down on as you make it appear. Tropical forest is literally a jungle of life, where it is generally considered extremely unwise to lay down, unless you're enjoying snakes, termites and thousands of other intriguing scary little creations of Mother Nature into your love-making.

I'm turned off by stats in erotic stories. There are lots of beautiful ways to describe a 38C chest, and a story centered around love and affection should do so, I think.

Use a spell-checker. There are obvious typos in your work.

More general comment:
The story line is a tad thin, I think. You used it as a background, but I never got the "feel" of the background. No couleur locale, no rainshowers at the end of the day, no early darkness, no dampness. Details like that give the reader a real impression of being there. Your story only uses it as a steppingstone for a whole series of sexual activities without really connecting them into a story.

Things jump a little at times. An example:
"I need you in me," I whispered my agreement. I wrapped my hand around his long, thick, hard, pulsating cock, and eagerly guided it to my moist opening. "Stiff cock me, baby!" I whined as his big, bulbous cock head knocked at my entrance.

As he slowly slid inch aftrer [after; Px] loving inch into my juicy, needy slit, I felt that pleasant ache of the firss [first; Px] stages in building toward an explosive orgasm. My climax was probably still half an hour away, but I was feeling SO good already. As he slowly slid in and out of me, he cupped my bare ass cheeks, adding to my pleasure. But we didn't get too far along, when I thought I heard voices on the trail.

Okay, pretty good writing here, painting the personal feel of the atmosphere, by the way without going into tropical forest details mentioned earlier.

"Maybe this isn't the best place to do this," I whispered. "We could get caught!"

As a reader, I think they may have considered that before laying down in the middle of a hike-trail, unless earlier lines convince me that this was an act born out of sheer uncontrollable hunger.

Reluctantly, we both stood up and hastily dressed. We looked up and down the trail, but the vegetation was so thick and so dark that we couldn't see anybody. That was good, because it meant that if anyone HAD gone by, they couldn't see us, either. Still, we both decided that this spot was just too risky, and we continued our hike through the rain forest.

"Reluctant" and "hasty" don't feel good to me in one sentence, but apart from that you have sort of let this exciting event die out. A tad more direct conversation would have given us so much more "being there". Use your characters in stead of leaning on narration. A try:

"Fuck, did you hear that?!" I whispered.
"What?"
"People, I hear people. God, we'll get caught!" (either with fear or giggle, depending on the mood you want)
..... (you could add in more: doubt whether they should stop or not, for instance)
I pushed him away from me. It was the last thing I wanted, but I felt we needed some clothes on now.

Not trying to do your writing, but just watch how much speed an excitement can be created by actually making your characters do and say things. It relays whatever feelings they have in a catchy way if your dialogue is well chosen.


I did get a strong impression that this was really written from the heart. And it makes this story potentially strong. In between so many "sex of the moment stories", one building from love in a long lasting relationship that still sizzles with erotic attraction is
a very good thing.
But, writing from the heart is not (always) enough to make a story-theme captivating. You have to keep in mind that we, the readers, do not possess this bag of feelings of love and attraction, so you have to communicate them to us. And that takes brain-work, apart from emotion. Add in details that draw us into that feel. Small-detail stuff like no longer perfect figures, or subtle signs of age that paint the longer duration of the relationship can create for us what - I felt - was in your heart, and they would give the story more of what it basically needs: more backbone.

Good luck with your writing

Paul

 

[Latina]

Thanks for the feedback. I made some of the changes you suggested. Capitalizing words I want to emphasize is just my style, I don't really want to change that. I also added some other details I had forgotten about, like how we exercised in preparation for our nature hike, how I got all the mosquito bites, and watch the dancers. I have to think about it, but I might have more revisions eventually, maybe more conversational detail (I'm not very good at writing dialogue; it never sounds very real to me when I read it back later). Meanwhile, if you want, you can check the latest version of my story:
http://www.geocities.com/latina_tales/paradise.html

The events in this story mostly happened. It is sometimes hard for me to fictionalize true stories and make them interesting, than if I had made it up entirely.

Thanks again.

-- Latina

 

[PaulX35]

Feedback

Latina,

For me, feedback is no more and no less than relaying my impressions and comments to a writer.
I myself find it necessary to have others look at drafts, as I never feel entirely sure if something I intended to write is actually creating similar impressions with a reader.
But in the end, a story is your own baby: so what you do with feedback is your choice and yours alone

Paul

 

[Latina]

I now have my third draft. After thinking about it, I did some more rewrites, and now I feel pretty good about my story.

= Latina