My New story is published

[WatchedBeth]

Thank you to all my followers, friends and FB’s.

My new story has finally arrived. Thank you to you all who ha e commented and wrote to me so far. I love the interaction with you all. Feel free to get in touch and give me feedback. I love. talking to you guys on here.

Looking forward to sharing more stories and pics with you all soon x

Beth x
https://literotica.com/s/a-new-sales-role

 

[LesDesirable]

Two of your first three paragraphs, which all technically belong in one paragraph, begin with "So,". This is a poor way to begin.

The next three paragraphs, those about the suit and makeup should be one paragraph. You also have some mixed modifiers.

During the interview process, you mix up tenses enough to make several sentences distracting. Some punctuation errors also mess with the flow.

Overall, the story line is OK, not the hottest, not boring.

My recommendation would be to work harder on proofreading, to help with the structure of paragraphs, and keeping your clauses describing what you intended to describe.

 

[Daneccles]

Well, I don't know about all that - but it got me nicely worked up and rather stiff - which strikes me as being the main thing... Keep 'em co0ming Beth...

 

[Tabithablack]

Premise and hot spots were fine. I notice someone else mention the 'so' starting off too many sentences.

Unless you're going for some odd style, many of your breaks are between sentences rather than paragraphs, a paragraph can be several sentences. It made it read choppy, like I was reflexively pausing between each line because there was a space there.

 

[gordo12]

Two of your first three paragraphs, which all technically belong in one paragraph, begin with "So,". This is a poor way to begin.

The next three paragraphs, those about the suit and makeup should be one paragraph. You also have some mixed modifiers.

During the interview process, you mix up tenses enough to make several sentences distracting. Some punctuation errors also mess with the flow.

Overall, the story line is OK, not the hottest, not boring.

My recommendation would be to work harder on proofreading, to help with the structure of paragraphs, and keeping your clauses describing what you intended to describe.

I agree with Les Desirable, the first three paragraphs all belonged together. On the other hand a lot of readers are on phones and anything more than three sentences constitute a wall of text to them.

The "so" thing is your Achilles heel and needs to disappear. Mine was "as". "As he did this she did that" kind of writing.

An editor would be helpful, but the vast majority of readers here don't give a shit about punctuation, sentence structure or modifiers. They just want well written sex scenes.

Just a personal suggestion. You're a woman. I suspect you've had sex

Imagine if that was you in that story having sex. What emotions, how you would feel or react. Expand on those qualities in the sex scenes and they would go from good to blisteringly hot!

I liked the story. You set out to write a hot story and you succeeded!

 

[8letters]

You had lots and lots of set up that wasn't too interesting. I think you could have started the story with the paragraph that begins, "So off I went to Cyclops Video store..."

You split up dialog into multiple paragraphs, which was offputting.

"There's something else you should know about Janine and the relationship with Peter at Cyclops." David announced.

"I'll be straight with you." he said,

"We do some off the record business with them. Janine started selling them lingerie and hardcore adult DVD's, these are cash deals not through the books. Very profitable and Janine used to take a cut.

She made so much money from these that she used to model the underwear for a group of fiends of Peter's, then they would place the orders, big orders.

But I told Peter this was all going to stop and that we had a new person started now that Janine has left. She ran off with one of his customers and is now making adult films in Germany.

I didn't want to tell you earlier in case you ran a mile from us, but there it is and now that you know, it is Ok for you to discuss it with Peter, and he knows you won't be getting involved in any of this."

Those six paragraphs belong together as you've written. If you thought that'd be too big of a block, you could have done something like:

David said, "There's something else you should know about Janine and the relationship with Peter at Cyclops". He looked uncomfortable. "I'll be straight with you. We do some off the record business with them. Janine started selling them lingerie and hardcore adult DVD's, these are cash deals not through the books. Very profitable and Janine used to take a cut. She made so much money from these that she used to model the underwear for a group of fiends of Peter's, then they would place the orders, big orders."

David shook his head and continued. "But I told Peter this was all going to stop and that we had a new person started now that Janine has left. She ran off with one of his customers and is now making adult films in Germany. I didn't want to tell you earlier in case you ran a mile from us, but there it is and now that you know, it is Ok for you to discuss it with Peter, and he knows you won't be getting involved in any of this."