My new story (Christy Mars)

[christy20]

My new story is up for grabs.(Loving Wifes/Terri's Infidelity) http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=320753
I would love to see your comments and any suggestions you may have.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

My new story is up for grabs.(Loving Wifes/Terri's Infidelity) http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=320753
I would love to see your comments and any suggestions you may have.

The link isn't working, it doesn't look like your story has been approved yet.

 

[starrkers]

The story is up. I just found it in Loving Wives. I know, I know. I'm ruining our reputation for laziness!
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=320753


edit to add: Can't read now, kids about. But I'll read it later tonight.

 

[MarshAlien]

The story is up. I just found it in Loving Wives. I know, I know. I'm ruining our reputation for laziness!
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=320753

Enabler.

First off, the racism in the story turned me off right away. This paragraph in particular was completely over the top:

Is that so, huh? You are so aristocratic that you don't want to have sex with a black. You believe we are animals and our sole purpose of existence is to serve and work until we die of exhaustion. And its YOU, THE WHITE MASTERS, that we should bow before and obey! HA! Let me laugh! You don't have a clue about how much strong and proud is our race... BITCH! You think you can buy the whole world with your dirty money and do whatever you like, but let me teach you a lesson. A lesson about... BLACK PRIDE! WHITE THRASH! Its about time we changed roles. TIME TO SERVE A HARD WORKING BLACK GIRL... YOU LOUSY SLUT! " Lisa screamed and twisted Terri's right hand behind her back, making her bend over the kitchen sink.

If you want to write a story about an aristocratic white woman who gets assaulted by a domineering black girl who works in the garden next door, that's one thing. People will understand the racial aspects of the story without your rubbing their faces in it like this.

The story has a number of technical problems. Your introduction is too long. By the time the reader gets to the dialogue, their interest in going on has evaporated. Start with her getting into the shower with her husband and then backfill the rest.

You should be able to communicate emotion through your word choice and the structure of your sentences, not with block capital letters, like "Terri got furious but decided not to force matters by... THROWING AT HIM THE WHOLE CONTENT OF THE NEARBY SHELVES!" And the line right before that one --
"......................................" -- I didn't understand the point of that at all.

You have the germ of a story idea. First, you need to make it a story, not just a "day in the life of..." vignette. And then you need to tell it much more subtly, letting it unfold in front of the reader.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I didn't care for the racism at all in the story, I found it repugnant.

This line caught me straight away...his fully erected 9-inch fat member lazily swinging left and right, following the movements of the body.

When I'm fully erect, my erection doesn't lazily swing from left to right, this suggests he isn't really erect at all.

You overuse the ellipsis "..." and for the wrong reasons. It's used to portray an incomplete thought, or piece of dialog. Here's an example. "Where did you put my..."John stopped in midsentence as he watched the neighbor back out of his gargage without opening the door.

The paragraphs that describe the two main characters is a major turnoff. Who cares what her bra size is? What does it matter that she weighs 112 lbs?

My last piece of advice to you is, don't write in all caps, this isn't chat. Use punctuation for emphasis.

 

[Louise_Loves]

My opinion

I was disappointed in the sudden twist from a frustrated wife to rape victim. You did a decent job with the frustration part - not stupendous, but adequate - and then suddenly there is a woman who somehow goes from a subservient position to being a hate-filled racist rapist. I almost got whiplash.

Lesbian rape can be fine to read about. Racial motivations are also a reality. But in two pages there's just too much back-story missing.

Some stylistic things distracted me. "touching the mattress with the knees" for example. Why not "kneeling on the bed with her knees spread wide and her feet just touching"?

Take some time to introduce her body and details instead of just cramming them into a single paragraph. "She ran her fingers lightly over her 36C breasts" is much more interesting to me in the context of her masturbating than to just hear "She had 36C tits". You can also introduce some details that tells us she is a pampered suburban housewife without saying it "Her french-manicured nails slid over her belly - those hours of tennis instruction paid off better than a gym club." is much better than "she was trim and fit".

You have at least two stories here, maybe three. Separate the scenes and you may have the room to build a really hot story.

 

[cloudy]

"She ran her fingers lightly over her 36C breasts" is much more interesting to me in the context of her masturbating than to just hear "She had 36C tits".

Wouldn't she just "run her fingers lightly over her breasts"?

I'm sorry, but using bra sizes, to me, is a cop out; a sign of a lazy writer.

In the rest, though, you're right.