My new girl is a sub. HELP!!!

[DarklyNightly]

Hi all,

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for 2 months and through the fun in experimenting with what feels great between the sheets, I discovered that my girl is incredibly receptive to having her pain threshold tested. I am the first to find out that she has a sub mindset and the forthcoming journey will be a first for us both.

I have an interest in BDSM and the D/s mentality so this is a fantasy that's about to become reality. Exciting times. With this in mind, I would love this thread to be a space to cultivate ideas for newbies but also drive imagination for all.

Having experimented with the control that comes with dominance (gentle and rough), pinning her down, grabbing a fist full of her hair, pinching her nipples and biting her body all over to see just how much pain she can take (all while making love to her), I need help on how to escalate this to the next level.

What would make her feel like more of a sub? How do I cultivate this?

Your help is appreciated!

Darkly

 

[00Syd]

Have you talked to her about her feelings on the matter, and asked what she wants?

You say that she is "incredibly receptive to having her pain threshold tested," which is all well and good, but it would be wrong to equate masochistic tendoncies with being submissive. Masochism and submission do not necissarily go together. that's the only reason why I ask if you've actually sat down and asked what she wants, because it could be that she is masochistic and into the S&M side of things, but not the D/s side of things.

So, again, talk to her. Ask her what would make her feel like more of a sub (if that is indeed how she wants to feel), talk to her about how she wants to move forward.

If you want this journey to be good and exciting for both of you, then communication is essential. Don't just do want you think you should do in this situation, talk to each other, have a conversation about wants and needs, and then do what you both want to do.

Hope that helps.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Jesus. I'm actually old enough to remember the days when you could meet a girl, it turns out she likes crazy rough sex and kinky play, and you just think "wow, what a great fuck" instead of "she's a sub".

 

[BiBunny]

Do you want to be a "Dom?" If so, stop worrying about what'll make you look good to her and just do what you want to do.

 

[ownedsubgal]

i am still curious as to why exactly you feel she has a "sub mindset." i'm with Mister Rosco, sounds like good old-fashioned rough sex to me. enjoy.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Do you want to be a "Dom?" If so, stop worrying about what'll make you look good to her and just do what you want to do.

Stop giving away trade secrets to noobs and poseurs please.

 

[DarklyNightly]

A fast reply and one that's very much in tune.

We're at the point where I just discovered she really enjoys giving herself to me to enjoy, and that one of the elements of her enjoyment is the aspect of pain. The next step is clearly to see where she'd be interested in taking this. I will certainly ask her.

When I said to her "It's just hit me. You're totally begging to submit to me", she replied that nobody had ever discovered that about her before.

Communication is definitely the key. I can't wait to talk to her...

Thank you, 000Syd x

 

[tigressnred]

I'm not sure why I feel inclined to chime in here, but to me a sub is more than rough sex in the bedroom although that is certainly part of it, but I have fouind the sub metallity reaches far outside the bedroom. It is something that permeates evey area of my life. Whether its doing the housework or greeting my husband with a kiss it is all in effort to be pleasing at all times. and this regardless if I recieve anything in return. I cannot help myself it is just who I am amd most of the time do not even consider the reciprication so long as I know my mate is pleased.

 

[BiBunny]

Stop giving away trade secrets to noobs and poseurs please.

My bad.

 

[YourCaptor]

Come on guys, do we really need to go through the whole “meanings are in people, not in words” after school special.

As for how to take it to the next level. You can find kink checklists online, they basically list a whole bunch of stuff, see what catches your eye, her eye, get brainstorming.

Generally, blindfolds tend to turn things up a lot for her, tying her hands behind her back will do things for both of you.

Mostly though just do what comes naturally.

Know what you want before you start and don’t be diplomatic about getting it, use the hands on approach instead.

 

[subish2009]

Come on guys, do we really need to go through the whole “meanings are in people, not in words” after school special.

As for how to take it to the next level. You can find kink checklists online, they basically list a whole bunch of stuff, see what catches your eye, her eye, get brainstorming.

Generally, blindfolds tend to turn things up a lot for her, tying her hands behind her back will do things for both of you.

Mostly though just do what comes naturally.

Know what you want before you start and don’t be diplomatic about getting it, use the hands on approach instead.

This, definitely. After some sort of conversation, of course, regarding hard limits, safewords, whatever. Then, take.

And don't rush yourselves...that discovery period is intoxicating and should be savored.

 

[intothewoods]

Jesus. I'm actually old enough to remember the days when you could meet a girl, it turns out she likes crazy rough sex and kinky play, and you just think "wow, what a great fuck" instead of "she's a sub".

It seems to me that lots of people talk about an interest in "the Dom/sub thing." and they essentially mean rough sex where one person is in charge in the bedroom. But there's nothing wrong with that! It may not float everyone's boat, but so what?

To the OP: Have fun with it, take charge, and direct her to do what you like.