My mother is becoming an alcoholic

[brioche]

Please understand something right off, this is not a sympathy thread.
My mother and father are getting too fond of the wine, and will polish off at least a bottle or two every night. Maybe more - I don't keep track, but it's a lot, and my mum drinks more of it than my dad. She's not a big time alcoholic, but she's over that fine line.
What I'm finding rough are the effects. The conversations she doesn't remember, the "joking" names she denies later, the promises of money she later denies, the inability to talk to her about anything serious after 7-8 pm because she won't remember.
This is spreading into her life now - for example I am without a word processor on this computer because she told me when I was ordering it that we had MS Office. She forgot it was a 3 installation copy, and now has created a fictionalized conversation where she told me about this.
I could use Word Perfect instead except she didn't put the disc back after she installed it on her computer and doesn't know where she left it. By the way, mentioning any of this to her will get her angry and defensive and accomplish nothing. All I can hope is that she put it in her computer bag and will find it later. (I'm getting Office on my own, but I could have ordered it and had it installed at a greatly reduced price).
I know there's Alateen, but are there other resources for dealing with this? I don't need to vent my stress about it so much, I just need suggestions. I get the impression that Alateen is a support group and is mostly for younger people.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Please understand something right off, this is not a sympathy thread.
My mother and father are getting too fond of the wine, and will polish off at least a bottle or two every night. Maybe more - I don't keep track, but it's a lot, and my mum drinks more of it than my dad. She's not a big time alcoholic, but she's over that fine line.
What I'm finding rough are the effects. The conversations she doesn't remember, the "joking" names she denies later, the promises of money she later denies, the inability to talk to her about anything serious after 7-8 pm because she won't remember.
This is spreading into her life now - for example I am without a word processor on this computer because she told me when I was ordering it that we had MS Office. She forgot it was a 3 installation copy, and now has created a fictionalized conversation where she told me about this.
I could use Word Perfect instead except she didn't put the disc back after she installed it on her computer and doesn't know where she left it. By the way, mentioning any of this to her will get her angry and defensive and accomplish nothing. All I can hope is that she put it in her computer bag and will find it later. (I'm getting Office on my own, but I could have ordered it and had it installed at a greatly reduced price).
I know there's Alateen, but are there other resources for dealing with this? I don't need to vent my stress about it so much, I just need suggestions. I get the impression that Alateen is a support group and is mostly for younger people.

alateen, as far as i know is a support group for children/teens of alcoholics, or anyone in their life really, who's alcoholism has affected them. alanon, is another support group type of place, more for 'older'. i really don't have any advice except maybe if you have other family members who see the problem and can stage an 'intervention' unfortunately, if she's not admitting she has a problem, then even bringing up the fact that she needs help is just going to anger her, and trying to get her any type of help isn't going to work because she doesn't see it as a problem and is not ready to take those steps to get the help.
http://www.righthealth.com/search?t...&lid=goog-ads-sb&q=alateen&o=classic&v=Health

 

[DVS]

Please understand something right off, this is not a sympathy thread.
My mother and father are getting too fond of the wine, and will polish off at least a bottle or two every night. Maybe more - I don't keep track, but it's a lot, and my mum drinks more of it than my dad. She's not a big time alcoholic, but she's over that fine line.
What I'm finding rough are the effects. The conversations she doesn't remember, the "joking" names she denies later, the promises of money she later denies, the inability to talk to her about anything serious after 7-8 pm because she won't remember.
This is spreading into her life now - for example I am without a word processor on this computer because she told me when I was ordering it that we had MS Office. She forgot it was a 3 installation copy, and now has created a fictionalized conversation where she told me about this.
I could use Word Perfect instead except she didn't put the disc back after she installed it on her computer and doesn't know where she left it. By the way, mentioning any of this to her will get her angry and defensive and accomplish nothing. All I can hope is that she put it in her computer bag and will find it later. (I'm getting Office on my own, but I could have ordered it and had it installed at a greatly reduced price).
I know there's Alateen, but are there other resources for dealing with this? I don't need to vent my stress about it so much, I just need suggestions. I get the impression that Alateen is a support group and is mostly for younger people.

Drinking too much all of the sudden, when you haven't your whole life sometimes has a reason behind it. And, the fact that both of your parents are doing this (yes, you mentioned your mother is doing it more) also makes me wonder if there is something behind it.

Has something changed in their lives? Are they along in years and feel it's time for them to live it up a little? Do they maybe feel their lives are boring now that they are older and feel they need something to help them forget that fact? Has anything changed in the way of finances, for the good or for the bad? Is their health OK?

I don't know anything about your parents, so I can't answer the above questions. And, I can't even say whether any of the above questions would even fit your parents. But, I mention these situations because some people drink to forget, drink to relieve bordom, or because of a change in life, etc.

I gather the drinking doesn't really bother you, but the effects do. And, I can understand, when you say you can't carry on a conversation with your mother after mid-evening. But, drinking more and more will eventually become a problem for them. Getting a grip on it sooner instead of later would be to their advantage.

Bringing this to their attention would be a first step, but I do understand how they react, when confronted about it. And, that is a normal reaction by someone doing something they enjoy, and don't see the potential problems. Oh, they might see the problems, but they enjoy drinking more.

I don't know how large your family is, or if you have brothers and sisters, but it might be good to get family together for a meeting and eventual confrontation with them. Solidarity in a family is good in this kind of situation. If you stand alone, you are seen as a party pooper of sorts and if you continue, eventually your mother could resent your intervention. Even if it is to her advantage, you are bringing an end to her fun, and she might associate you with it.

Most people come to their senses eventually, but it's usually after they hit rock bottom, and that's a tough time to deal with it. The fact that you notice it is a good sign...you are on the outside looking in. Your parents don't notice what you notice, or are at least blocking it from their reality.

I know what it's like to have to talk to your parents about something like this. It's not easy. But, not talking to them could end up allowing the situation to become worse. How do you go about it? I don't know. I'd think a family intervention of some sort might work, because you are not singled out as the bad guy, that way. You doing this on your own will be very difficult.

Maybe you could visit your local AA group for some suggestions, or even the Alateen group could help in that. Someone professional could give you better suggestions than I can. I do hope everything works out fine for all concerned.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

brioche,

I grew up as the child of alcoholic parents. They didn't find AA and their sobriety until I was a teenager. Alateen was a godsend, it helped me keep from killing myself back then.

Al-Anon is for adults/partners of alcoholics, to help them (the non-alcoholic family members) learn to live with the alcoholism and the alcoholic. It is NOT about getting the alcoholic sober. It is about making them face the results and consequences of their words and actions, because they will only stop when the pain of the alcoholism hurts worse than what they are hiding from by using the booze.

Many areas have ACOA groups - Adult Children Of Alcoholics. This group is specifically targeted to the needs and concerns of the children of alcoholics, whether the alcoholic is practicing, or recovering. When I was in college, I found an ACOA group on campus and was grateful for the support and help.

I know it's a hard place to be hon, I've been down that path. If you need a place to vent, someone who will listen without judgement and only offer advice if it's asked for, please let me know. My inbox is always open.

{{{{{HUG}}}}}

 

[Betticus]

She may be likely to take it wrong and get angry no matter who points it out to her but no matter what she will hear and understand you. When you tell someone you care about that their self destructive behaviour is hurting you they hear you. They may be mad and lash out but lashing out and yelling at you is more of an internal reaction. In essence they are lashing out at the things within themselves that they don't like or that disgust them.

Trust me, all the times I drank and felt like the biggest failure in the world.... And to think, the only people with the balls to mention it to me were some of you people I talk with here on lit. Not in your face kind of stuff but subtle hints, etc. It's embarrassing but knowing someone cares does help.

And, what DVS said. ditto

 

[brioche]

Thanks guys, I'll check out those resources.
Do I know why they drink every night? Well, yes I do. They both have extremely stressful jobs. My mum is a teacher at a school with a difficult principal and my dad is a high level executive-type person with the government, and environmental policy changes when the ruling party changes, the Cabinet changes, the leader changes...Also my mother is Irish, and she has it in her genes. I don't know how many of my ten uncles are alcoholics, but it's more than two.
They have gradually increased the amount of wine to the point where it's a concern.
I'm okay with it being at the level it is. Not happy, but okay. If it escalates any more, then yeah, we'll probably have to do something along the lines of an intervention.
Right now though I just need to get it right in my own head, so that I can handle this. I guess I'll try AlAnon (Thanks, I knew there was an older one!) and ACOA to start off.

 

[graceanne]

I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said. I just wanted to leave a *hug* and say I understand. Both my parents and stepparents are recovering alcoholic/addicts. Also, if you need to talk, or vent, my IM is in my profile.

 

[marieR19]

Same as graceanne, just stopping in to give *lots of hugs* and share my concern. I grew up with a very very alcoholic father, and it's ended up killing him (he's dying because of the damage to his liver), so I definitely feel for you, and I really hope it doesn't get any worse.


Heather

 

[Xelebes]

Simple solution for the word processor: download Open Office - freeware word processor that is just as powerful and intuitive as Microsoft Word. Doesn't work on Windows 2000 though, I tried.

 

[brioche]

Simple solution for the word processor: download Open Office - freeware word processor that is just as powerful and intuitive as Microsoft Word. Doesn't work on Windows 2000 though, I tried.

It's okay - the Board is selling Office 2003 to us crazy cheap to apologize for putting us through the horrible program we had before. Also so we can use memory keys easily. Plus someone was giving WPerfect away at my mum's school and she scooped it up for me. I'll have Office within the week and WP tomorrow if I get off my butt and download it. So that's that problem solved.

 

[brioche]

The weirdest thing happened.
I went to my last social anxiety group meeting and was early. Almost every other time I've been late. I was so early (which had never happened) that I had stopped and picked up a bagel and juice, and I decided to sit in the waiting room to eat rather than the room, which was free, and we often just go into. Then I decided to read a magazine, even though I had a book to read and hadn't touched these magazines before.
Are you seeing all the unusual behaviour?
Well, I read the article I wanted to read, and was flipping through the magazine when two pieces of paper inserted into it caught my eye.
They were for Al-Anon.
They looked vaguely familiar - turns out they're on a wall of brochures I didn't read - but someone had inserted them into that magazine, which I happened to flip through.
Given the string of coincidences, I kind of think that in the grand scheme of things, I was meant to find them.
Wow.

 

[catalina_francisco]

The weirdest thing happened.
I went to my last social anxiety group meeting and was early. Almost every other time I've been late. I was so early (which had never happened) that I had stopped and picked up a bagel and juice, and I decided to sit in the waiting room to eat rather than the room, which was free, and we often just go into. Then I decided to read a magazine, even though I had a book to read and hadn't touched these magazines before.
Are you seeing all the unusual behaviour?
Well, I read the article I wanted to read, and was flipping through the magazine when two pieces of paper inserted into it caught my eye.
They were for Al-Anon.
They looked vaguely familiar - turns out they're on a wall of brochures I didn't read - but someone had inserted them into that magazine, which I happened to flip through.
Given the string of coincidences, I kind of think that in the grand scheme of things, I was meant to find them.
Wow.

That is what I like about life...those unexplained coincidences which can make a big impact in our lives, and often arrive when we need them most. Hope it helps you deal with the situation you are facing at the moment in a way which will work for you.

Catalina

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Given the string of coincidences, I kind of think that in the grand scheme of things, I was meant to find them.
Wow.

There is a reason one of the sayings we were taught in Al-Anon is:

"Let go,

... and let God."

You and your Mom are in my thoughts and prayers brioche!
{{{{HUG}}}}

 

[jasonlf]

This would scare the crap out of me.

You seem to be handling it bravely.

You'll be in my prayers.

 

[brioche]

This would scare the crap out of me.

You seem to be handling it bravely.

You'll be in my prayers.

Thank you! I am trying to.
And thanks to all of you.
Tonight was kind of the last straw - she walked out of the door and left a pot of water heating on the stove, and then called me because she got lost going to pick up my dad somewhere. No drinking at this point btw. She didn't even call about the pot until I had found it, boiled spaghetti in it, fed me and my brother, he had unloaded the dishwasher, and I was loading it. This was SCARY because I was only home because I had a bone scan today and my brother had been upstairs reading. If I hadn't been there...I actually pointed this out to her and she said "I would have called." Hmm. Well you did, at least 30 minutes too late.

Anyway, ACOA doesn't have any meetings near here, but I called Al-Anon and there's one tomorrow just down the street! It's a little late, but I'm going, and I'll get the full list of meetings there. It's about a 5 minute drive.

 

[graceanne]

Thank you! I am trying to.
And thanks to all of you.
Tonight was kind of the last straw - she walked out of the door and left a pot of water heating on the stove, and then called me because she got lost going to pick up my dad somewhere. No drinking at this point btw. She didn't even call about the pot until I had found it, boiled spaghetti in it, fed me and my brother, he had unloaded the dishwasher, and I was loading it. This was SCARY because I was only home because I had a bone scan today and my brother had been upstairs reading. If I hadn't been there...I actually pointed this out to her and she said "I would have called." Hmm. Well you did, at least 30 minutes too late.

Anyway, ACOA doesn't have any meetings near here, but I called Al-Anon and there's one tomorrow just down the street! It's a little late, but I'm going, and I'll get the full list of meetings there. It's about a 5 minute drive.

Yay! *hugs* Good luck on the meeting.

 

[liberatedslave]

My father and his family are Irish and my Dad is an alcoholic. It split my parents when I was eight years old and we had nothing of value in the house because he'd pissed it up a wall. I had no contact with him till I was 14 and even since then our relationship has been sketchy and awakward.

My Dad no longer drinks to excess but it took a quadruple heart bypass (which I would have fucking refused him, given the years of self abuse) to wake him up. Losing his wife and family didn't, neither did losing job after job, staying with friends and sleeping rough, becoming so ill and underweight, losing friends and family members who he'd cheated, stolen from or vomited over. Nothing made that man think until he reached the point of iminent death.

Now he has about 6 pints a day. They don't get him at all drunk but he needs them in order to function normally and has actually been advised not to give up completely. He does still have to watch it though, the line between managing his condition and building his intake and tolerance again is a very fine one. I can really relate to the way you say "This is mostly OK but my mum has crossed an imperceptible line," even if not by all that much.

Going out and leaving things on the stove is definitely bad. Binge drinking and long term heavy drinking do affect short term memory and more than most realise. The classic signs of denial are there "I would have called." "I am responsible." "I am not losing my grip on anything." The tragedy right now is that she really believes these things to be true.

I think you do need to keep nudging her and pointing out these incidents. Don't let her hide from them. If your father has no problem with drink could you not point these things out to him and voice your concern? At least he'll remember the conversation.

I hope al-anon can help you, do confide in someone because carrying this alone will damage you in the long term. Remember that your mum has passed no point of no return, there is every hope that she can be persuaded to see herself as she really is and want to change before things deteriorate further. Try not to get discouraged or succumb to the idea that your love for her and effort in this is futile.

Wishing you the best of luck with this