My Lesbian Story

[bogey102]

I posted this story recently, and would welcome any comments - positive or negitive. The feedback I've recieved so far has been very useful . I'm working on a couple more stories, and I find this genre a very interesting and fun way to sharpen my chops.

Click here for "Sarah and Christy"

 

[FlyontheWall99]

Nice story, I really enjoyed it. I think you have a definite talent and should keep writing similar stories. I for one will be reading them. Congrats .....

 

[Rainbow Skin]

That's thoroughly delicious, and has a very nice pace and just the right words. By all means continue writing such things.

Only one thing I need to comment on, and that's pronoun trouble. Where both are 'she' you need to make sure that the references are always clear. In this situation something like 'she removed her bra' could be either, unless you've built it up to it with 'she reached over to her...'. Remember, we the readers are visualizing much less of this than you are.

Also you have long paragraphs that swap viewpoints. Christy kissed Sarah. Then she... In such contexts the 'she' needs to be either the same subject all through, or you need to make it clear that you've transferred perspective to the last-mentioned one: Christy kissed Sarah. She responded by...

A very good story, with lots of incidental detail bringing it to life too.

 

[bogey102]

Thanks both of you so much for this valuable feedback....

 

[Rainbow Skin]

By the way, one way not to fix this (I'm sure you wouldn't, you're too good a writer) is to create pseudo-pronouns. The worst offenders are 'the blonde' and 'the brunette'. I get sick of seeing them used as pronouns. Less obviously, you can overuse descriptions like 'the tall girl' or even references like 'the singer'. It's not easy, but I think the only answer is to continue using 'she' at the same rate but make sure the perspective and reference are clear at each point it's used.

 

[Xectxny19X]

whoa...that was terrific! I hope you write more!

 

[Kimey]

Sarah and Christy

This is a great story, I really enjoyed it. I will be looking for more of your stories!!!

 

[bogey102]

Thank you for your kind replys! Would you all prefer more adventures for Sarah, or something totally new? Maybe something from Christy?

 

[lolojoe]

wow! it really sucks!

 

[bogey102]

hmmm...well.....OK. What sucked about it??

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Don't feed the troll. Wait till daybreak and it'll turn to stone.

 

[fiz]

Great story!