my latest

[Guest]

Thanks for feedback


Edited 7/13 - final version

Rustic Bliss

Dusk nears, illuminating task
a spade gouges, then withdraws
earth’s freshness saturates and
labor's dignity infuses my soul

This Rustic bliss, urbanity balanced
the day deserved; accrued in deceit
metropolis survived my absence
my cravings to fulfill

The spade unrelentingly descends
yet, her sweet trace lingers
my smile, so rare, exposed
neither would I wash away

Toiled sweat collects
crevice and cloth restrained
exploding in musky waves
rendezvous intensity revealed

Eyes shut to see, once again
her movements measured, with intent
engulfed she clasps my chest
screaming, releasing, flooding

The rustic bliss resumes
the trace satisfies, for now
my smile, so rare, exposed
neither would I wash away



......

 

[Guest]

Anyone have title suggestion?

Anyone have any feedback (good or bad?)

 

[champagne1982]

Anyone have title suggestion?

Anyone have any feedback (good or bad?)

Good morn, NH. There are some worthy ideas in this poem that need a stronger foundation to rest on. You focus on the digging and the earth and evoke the earthy, musk of sex through telling us you smell it and of it. That's great, but you provide your reader no explanation of why this is occurring at dusk; why is your narrator digging; why does the city become part of your poem?

I'm not a fan of centred poetry unless that shape is required in a "concrete" way. On a forum message board, a lot of the formatting doesn't translate into html very well, so instead of an indented poem at centre, you wind up with no straight line for the eye to follow. Readers like straight left margins (usually) and crooked right ones. A quick and dirty way to remove formatting is to cut and paste your text into notepad (if you're running Windows OS) then move it back into the forum message field.

Concentrate your ideas into just those things that bring your reader into the poem. Don't tell us how things smell, use words to give us that scent. To do this, you could cut adjectives and the filler words that a narrative style requires for coherency, then find ONE single word to explain all of that thought.

Soil transference continues and brims the container
The repeated toil instigates a heat, collecting until
my heated body reveals the rendezvous’ intensity.
Her musky aroma explodes from my crotch, once trapped.

The above is the very heart of the poem, I think. Don't tell us the time of day. Don't tell us what kind of work is being done. Don't tell us why you smell like this. For instance:

Toil rouses sweat collecting
in each crease and crevice
until it explodes in musky
waves of a rendezvous revealed​

I'm not saying you need to do anything to your poem, it is yours after all, though if you want to try different styles and forms you can do nothing else than improve as a poet.

There are exercises which help writers to pare away adjectives and extra words right here on our forum. Look into those threads that challenge us to say it all in 10 words or less, or the blurt threads both here in the poetry board or found in the Author's Hangout Writing Exercises forum. You can also pick a single object near your computer and detail it in as few words as possible and still allow you to know what it is; without ever saying exactly what it is.

flat cushion for gliding across
pictures taken with a fish-eye lens
of panting happiness over silk paths
for a mouse pushed along their focus.​

I wouldn't worry about a title. Many poems take a long time to edit and until you're totally happy with it, don't name it since sometimes the label drives the poem rather than the poem speaking its own.

Read and read then read some more. You'll find that once you engage yourself in the work of some great poets, you'll use their voices to begin writing a variety of work. Eventually, your own personality will outshine these masters and only your poetry will know.

Thanks for sharing your work.

 

[Guest]

ah, thank you so much...
I'll read and re-read this again and update the poem soon.
Much appreciated.

FM

 

[Guest]

Updated - see top post

Updated - see top post

 

[butters]

this is gaining strength in leaps and bounds!

 

[Guest]

this is gaining strength in leaps and bounds!

Thanks

Should it be longer?

What will make this better?

I'm considering the title "Rustic Bliss"

I'm having a hard time weaving my rural life (home) with urban balance (work)...
any suggestions?

 

[champagne1982]

Thanks

Should it be longer?

What will make this better?

I'm considering the title "Rustic Bliss"

I'm having a hard time weaving my rural life (home) with urban balance (work)...
any suggestions?

You are nearly there, aren't you? There does come a point in poetic metamorphosis when it's time to let the words rest a while. In poetry, sometimes the process is quick and dirty but still other times the work wants to hide in the panty drawer for a bit so that it can coalesce into something pretty...

I really like the changes you've made, but do keep track of the versions. Overwriting a poem can be just as detrimental as never reading it aloud is.

I hope you're enjoying the process though. TC CC