my latest

[sexyspiders]

hiya guys, iv just had my second story aproved. id be grateful for anyfeedback anyone mite have,

its in group sex and is pretty mild, so dont be scared.

thanks yall,

spiders >( ' . ' )<

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=140762

 

[Guest]

OK.

I read it yesterday, and couldn't finish it.<i> Not your fault.</i> I was busy trying to fuck my pet poodle! I don't even remember what it was all about exept it was something to do with gangbang.

Edited to add:
No. I'm not even editting.

 

[BlackNailsNScreams]

I liked it... but there were some mistakes, and the structuring of some things in general would've made it better.

It was still good. Just a few errors that kept it from being awesome.

 

[BohemianEcstasy]

*posting comments as she reads*

The character development individually could be better in the exposition and the first scene or so. I mean, you do a pretty good job of painting the group with the pub scene (I can totally see my friends and me doing such things), but I want to hear more about who these people are.

"Jacki and u decided..." Typo, I'm assuming?

The incident with Dave is kindof sexy--very realistic, and at the same time she's this kindof tart that I kindof wish I could be.

The fisting with Matt is pretty good--I've never really read it described realistically, but I've also never done it, so I don't know what's realistic and what isn't, with it. Anal with Matt is also pretty realistic. Not appealing to me, personally, because I can only affiliate so much pain with pleasure, but I think it serves its purpose in the story--it wouldn't be as realistic a story if they did a typical fuck-and-make-up scene.

After the ass-fucking, any mention of a blowjob without cleaning in between is 1) unhealthy, and 2) unappealing, to me. A little bit of humiliation is okay, but why can't she clean it off with soap or SOMETHING--it's really unhealthy to eat shit, no matter whose it is.

The group work later is pretty hot, pretty believeable. I'd try to allude more to the emotional and physical pain she HAS to still be in from the earlier anal rape. I'd imagine she'd be more vindictive, or at least comment on how sorry she was or SOMETHING in her mental commentary as Matt's working on her. The follow-through on that plot is important, in my opinion.

And I seem to want more of a cool-down, more of a conclusion at the end, but that might just be me.

 

[Guest]

SOMETHING--it's really unhealthy to eat shit, no matter whose it is.

It is?!

 

[Guest]

I like it when a woman orgasms really quick.

That makes a man's job a hell of a lot easier.

I'm interested in reading the rest of graphic description of sex, but BE seemed have sumed up for me.

No shity-shity Bang-bang for me.

 

[sexyspiders]

thanks for all ur feedback.

to be honest it was originally an illustrated story but it kept being rejected as the file wouldnt open so i took the pics out. i guess thats y it isnt always descriptive, the original pictures were setting the scene for me. and silly me didnt re edit after the removal.

i realise now i lost emotion coming up to the end couple of scenes- reasons for this:
iv never had anal sex
iv never been fisted
iv never had group sex.
it was such a long story to write but i was eager to get it online, so possibly got a bit sloppy
sorry

im working on pure fantasy, so BE, im quite thrilled to read that u thot it realistic. i will go over it again tho and correct any errors i find.

 

[Guest]

so BE, im quite thrilled to read that u thot it realistic.

Believe you me.

BE is a nut.

Check my post count.

 

[sexyspiders]

did u never here that size doesnt always matter?

 

[Guest]

Never.

 

[hiddenself]

Technically, it was pretty decent. Very few mistakes

very pour rendition
After a moments thought
I’ve bin

poor
moment's
bin?!

or awkward expressions

So when it was coming up to New Year...
As we live in a small village, it happened to be situated...
... our conversation picked up pace...

(Or, perhaps, those are British English? They sound a bit off this side of the pond.)

My main issue is consistency of characters. Matt's behavior in the alley suggests a strong top persona. Yet, in the last scene, we find him tied up by Jacki and in a sort of a bottom role. It doesn't make much sense to me.

Now, regarding the issues of fisting and anal sex.

The way you describe the fisting scene ("He withdrew his fingers and immediately thrust his hand in to his bottom knuckles") is unrealistic under even more "favorable" circumstances. It should be impossible here.

First of all, having Laura on hands and knees when Matt fists her is a difficult position, particularly for a first time. Also, it is hard to fist someone without lube. And Laura was supposed to have a very tight pussy (she experienced pain when Dave entered her earlier even though she was very wet) and that should make this kind of fisting essentially impossible.

I have only fisted one woman without lube -- but she had had the benefit of having given natural birth to a baby and her opening was particularly accommodating. Plus, one does not simply shove the hand in. That's simply not done (unless you want blood and such). One turns the hand vertically, cups the four fingers and tucks the thumb in between them. At least, that's the standard insertion procedure...

I have similar issues with the description of the anal sex (although to a lesser degree).

I give you bonus points for the oral after the anal. This is serious humiliation D/s (which IS my cup of beverage, unlike BE or CV) and I did not expect it in the story. But again, it is inconsistent with the rest of the characters' behavior. And you simply got through it in a couple of lines. Surely Laura would find that objectionable? But no, she hardly blinks an eye! There is no depth in what she does and why. We get no satisfaction from the whole thing. It's as if she is a lifeless doll or something. No real reaction. No psychological impact whatsoever.

Anyway, good story, but it would have been better with some exploration of the characters' personalities and feelings during all this. Good sex comes from the mind after all.

 

[sexyspiders]

thanks for ur feedback Hidden .

i have just submitted the edited version of the story.
Perhaps i use british phrases as i am british, though i have changed a couple now that you have pointed it out. i must say though that i sometimes have trouble with stories that are sooo american, but ill take that one up with individual authors.

i have learnt my lesson with the fisting scene and have taken it out, my aim is to research it this time and make a new story to include it- after all, i was just writing down my fantasy.

iv also ammended the story to show that laura and matt usually do power roleplays, but this time it was for real. iv included more thoughts and feeling into it.

i usually like to leave thoughts etc, vague as it leaves the reader room to figure out their own reactions. mayb its just me, but sometimes wen i read a story i cant relate to the characters because of the way they react, i prefer to give them my personality, which i gues is why i started writing, but this time iv come to a compromise.

you'll also be glad to hear i also corrected any typing errors ie. " Jacki and u" changed to " Jacki and I"

the "bin" was trying unsuccessfully to show how we talk around these these parts- meaning "Been" but iv corrected that also.

any more comments about my story are welcome. i can only fix it if somebody points out what's wrong. Objective thinking and all that.

thanks everyone

Spiders >( ' . ' )<

 

[sexyspiders]

Here's the latest edited version

any more/ new critique would be helpful, thanks.

spiders >( ' . ' )<

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=140762