My latest submission

[Chicklet]

It's a shorty, and I have to admit I wrote it in a couple hours. I submitted it before giving it any detailed edit, so any mistakes you find I'm not likely to brush aside. Ugh...I'm never very good at asking for feedback...so please be gentle <Chicklet bends over>

April's Bed

 

[English Lady]

Hi there chicklet!

well for something that took only a few hours and little editing it's pretty damn good.

i must say it's not my usual cup of tea, but it did strike me as being unusual and original.


I thought the story built up wonderfully, teasing and slowly winding up to the climax


one bit completely stumped me though...




Leaning close to the wall, I looked over the pictures. Babies, must have been her. Men, must be brothers, young people, old people. I could pick her out in the family photos, her intense blue eyes....


what photos exactly? i've read over the paragraphs before and i thought the person was talking about mental pictures.....then there is that line...

"babies, must have been her" it doesn't make sense to me..i guess you mean that there are lots of pictures of babies and that the baby in the picture was probably April....but it took me alot of re-reading before i came to this conclusion!



however,thats all i picked up on,otherwise its a good story!


hope that helps!

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Hey Chicklet,

You should be careful about bending over around this crowd

The story was great. I wish I could knock out something so complete in just a couple of hours with minor editing. It flowed well and the imagery was fantastic. I especially liked the way you carried the tension of guilty pleasure to the very end.

The only thing that jumped out at me was this sentence:

I twisted it against my clit, biting cries back with my teeth as I arched my back as April had in the picture and came, my body stiff as the pleasure coursed through me.

I am not even sure how to fix it, it just reads a little awkwardly to me. Maybe two sentences or perhaps a Just?

I twisted it against my clit, biting cries back with my teeth as I arched my back just as April had in the picture and came, my body stiff as the pleasure coursed through me.

Sorry for no itallics, but I can't figure out how to use them. I am a bit of a computer blonde. In any case, it was a nice read and I enjoyed it throughly. An excellent afternoon, I'm sick of folding clothes, break

-Colly

 

[TheOverlord]

MMMMMMMM i enjoyed it...and hope to read more....and wish i could whip that up in a couple of hours....been trying for awile.....but just doesn't flow right.......have to keep working on it....

 

[CrazyyAngel]

A bit short ... but very good, nonetheless.

I have just clicked on the link you provided, so I didn't know at first, which category it was posted in. At the beginning, I thought the person was a male .. until this sentence:

I felt the slickness between my thighs as I crossed the warm room and put my hand on the bed.

Is this intentional? Or am I just too dumb to recognize it earlier?

Then I thought it was a lesbian story ... finally I arrived at Toys and Masturbation ... but thats maybe only because I just clicked the link.

I agree with EnglishLady ... It is somewhat unusual and original. That is a huge plus and kinda hard to achieve in erotica, as nearly all POV's are written to death ... .

I wish I could knock out something so complete in just a couple of hours with minor editing. It flowed well and the imagery was fantastic. I especially liked the way you carried the tension of guilty pleasure to the very end.

Exactly my thoughts. Especially the images in my head were very clear (despite that little gender change midway through ). And I too wish, I'd be able to pull a story together in a couple of hours ... in english, without editing ...

And now a bit of an offtopic point to Colleen:

you can type in Italics with this little HTML Tags: [ i]insert the word to write italic[/i]

But without the blank space in the starting Tag.

CrazyyAngel

 

[Chicklet]

I am not even sure how to fix it, it just reads a little awkwardly to me. Maybe two sentences or perhaps a Just?

I think you're right, Colly. The "just" does help it out.

what photos exactly? i've read over the paragraphs before and i thought the person was talking about mental pictures.....then there is that line...

I will definitely see what I can do about that. I don't want anyone to have to re-read the same bit if they don't want to = )

Originally posted by CrazyyAngel
I have just clicked on the link you provided, so I didn't know at first, which category it was posted in. At the beginning, I thought the person was a male .. until this sentence:

I guess since *I* knew she was a girl, I didn't think about explaining things any better I'll fix that, don't you worry.

Thanks everyone for your comments!!

-Chicklet

 

[CrazyyAngel]

Thanks everyone for your comments!!

At your service ...

CA

 

[damppanties]

Hey Chicklet,

You should be careful about bending over around this crowd

-Colly

Now we wouldn't do THAT to her, would we?

The story's great Chicklet. I'm just going to fuss a little anyway about the typos and such.


Her clothes hung in such order I had to smile again.

Perhaps, a comma in there? Maybe I'm just too sleepy but I stumbled at that one.

...and with my lips curling happily I bent down, examining to floor of the closet.

examining the floor.


Good story. A glimpse of a few moments in the life of a person done really well.

 

[Chicklet]

Her clothes hung in such order I had to smile again.

Perhaps, a comma in there? Maybe I'm just too sleepy but I stumbled at that one.

What about "Her clothes hung in such order that I had to smile again." ?

 

[damppanties]

What about "Her clothes hung in such order that I had to smile again." ?

Yes. Works.

 

[sexyspiders]

Exactly my thoughts. Especially the images in my head were very clear (despite that little gender change midway through ).

i loved the "gender change". at first when reading it i too presumed it a male perspective, but i was thrilled (in all definitions of the word!!) to find out it was female. it added an element of surprise and intrigue, which is often lacking in erotic stories.

although i havent shared such experiences, i felt i could really relate to the character, which in my mind, shows great story writing.

One thing i do want to know though.......

wat did april think/ do when she saw her come covered dildo??????????

i think a sequel is in order!!!


well done chicklet, a natural in the field (of writing!!!)





http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=106323

 

[Chicklet]

i loved the "gender change". at first when reading it i too presumed it a male perspective, but i was thrilled (in all definitions of the word!!) to find out it was female. it added an element of surprise and intrigue, which is often lacking in erotic stories.

Hmm...I wasn't really going after surprise or intrigue. I've edited the story to include a blurb about lesbians near the beginning, so hopefully future readers won't be in doubt. Although I'm glad you liked the original, I hope that it's still good with the change.

One thing i do want to know though.......

wat did april think/ do when she saw her come covered dildo??????????

i think a sequel is in order!!!

This is definitely not going to happen, I'm afraid. I'd rather the future details occur in the readers mind, not in any story I write. Of course, I may write a story in the future featuring the same characters, but I won't classify it as a sequel and probably won't even mention that they're the same girls.

Thank you for your comments and your praise = )

Chicklet

 

[CrazyyAngel]

This is definitely not going to happen, I'm afraid. I'd rather the future details occur in the readers mind, not in any story I write.

Yep ... dont go the Hollywood way and - you know, a sequel to everything successful - and let the Reader imagine the rest. Some things are better when left to the imagination ...

But that means not, that I wouldn't encourage you to write more

CA

 

[Barnaby]

I loved it!

Running late. Not a lot of time for a full critique but I loved it. I enjoy stories that just deal with a few private moments. I always enjoy your stuff.

 

[OldnotDead]

Good story!

Hmm...I wasn't really going after surprise or intrigue. I've edited the story to include a blurb about lesbians near the beginning, so hopefully future readers won't be in doubt. Although I'm glad you liked the original, I hope that it's still good with the change.

Chicklet

Well, first, I would like to support Sexyspiders comment and say put it back the way you first wrote it. The surprise works well in the story and reminds us to keep our minds open as we read.

what I was really impressed with was the pacing. When I do write, the revisions I most often have to work on are the pacing of the story. Being able to have the story so 'smooth' so quickly is quite an accomplishment.

OldnotDead
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=135309