My latest Lament...

[BooMerengue]

I need some help here...

I wrote this pretty quickly, and as I reread it I felt like I have 2 different poems(songs) here. It feels either overdone or not finished.

Can anyone help? This is my 1st time to put something out here like this, but trust me- as long as it's constructive, it won't hurt, so fire away, and thanks ahead of time!

Down this dusty road

How many times we've ridden
down this dusty mountain road
and shared a silence born of minds alike.

Our memories inseparable
of years all limned in gold
and trials that we weathered much from spite.

But we won against the odds
and the easy part is now
No more babies born of pain
No more twisting that old plow.

Our children have moved onward
with strong families of their own;
a legacy of pride that we have made.

This mountain farm's a showplace
for its yield known far and wide;
the mortgage seven years ago was paid.

But we won against the odds
and the easy part is now
No more babies born of pain
No more twisting that old plow.

Now to tell you that I'm leaving
Starting up a brand new life
to me this is the cruelest blow of all.

Well I've met a blue eyed lover
who wants me to be his wife
he's in my heart and broken down the wall.

Once again, my love, we travel
down this dusty mountain road
gazing sadly o'er this lovely mountain sprawl

I will leave you in the foothills
I will carry my own load,
and I pray you will not see me if I fall.


holdin my breath...

(in case it matters, this is another in my Song For My Mandolin series)

 

[Tathagata]

I don't know...as an ex song writer it moves fairly well to my eye/ear...the only thing that strikes me at first glance is in one verse you say " the easy part is now" and then you're saying the " cruelest blow" is saying goodbye.
I think that's where you getting the " two" thing from...the first part seems a fond remembrance and the second half seems a goodbye..
It's not that it doesn't work..maybe you should allude to the goodbye earlier in the song??



just a thought
It has mandolin written all over it by the way very cool

 

[BooMerengue]

Thanks, Tath

'the easy part is now etc' is the refrain part... meanin all the hard work of building their lives is done now... thats why her leavin is so cruel now

Thats not where I found the duality

theres one woman who has a great life and so why's she leavin?

theres another woman who's leavin cuz shes found something better

hard to reconcile them as one woman

 

[Tathagata]

Thanks, Tath

'the easy part is now etc' is the refrain part... meanin all the hard work of building their lives is done now... thats why her leavin is so cruel now

Thats not where I found the duality

theres one woman who has a great life and so why's she leavin?

theres another woman who's leavin cuz shes found something better

hard to reconcile them as one woman

Nope that part didn't confuse me at all
LOL

 

[Tathagata]

 

[BooMerengue]

*bump!

No one else wants a shot at this?

Does it really suck?

Did I put it in the wrong place?

 

[DeepAsleep]

I need some help here...

I wrote this pretty quickly, and as I reread it I felt like I have 2 different poems(songs) here. It feels either overdone or not finished.

Can anyone help? This is my 1st time to put something out here like this, but trust me- as long as it's constructive, it won't hurt, so fire away, and thanks ahead of time!

Down this dusty road

How many times we've ridden
down this dusty mountain road
and shared a silence born of minds alike.

Our memories inseparable
of years all limned in gold
and trials that we weathered much from spite.

But we won against the odds
and the easy part is now
No more babies born of pain
No more twisting that old plow.

Our children have moved onward
with strong families of their own;
a legacy of pride that we have made.

This mountain farm's a showplace
for its yield known far and wide;
the mortgage seven years ago was paid.

But we won against the odds
and the easy part is now
No more babies born of pain
No more twisting that old plow.

Now to tell you that I'm leaving
Starting up a brand new life
to me this is the cruelest blow of all.

Well I've met a blue eyed lover
who wants me to be his wife
he's in my heart and broken down the wall.

Once again, my love, we travel
down this dusty mountain road
gazing sadly o'er this lovely mountain sprawl

I will leave you in the foothills
I will carry my own load,
and I pray you will not see me if I fall.


holdin my breath...

(in case it matters, this is another in my Song For My Mandolin series)

There are a couple spots early on where your wording seems a little forced - "much from spite." - "the mortgage seven years ago was paid" but i don't know if you intended it to sound so archaic (given that it was written for a slightly archaic instrument) or it's just how you came up with a rhyme. it does sort of stumble in those two places, to my eye (dunno about ear - I don't compse anything but techno, and that only as a drunken, occasional thing.

In any case, none of it is bad, and some of it is particularly striking - the last three lines stick out in my mind more than anything.

I would table this for a week or two and then come back to it when it's not so familiar and/or fresh in your mind and then re-evaluate it yourself. It helps me, when trying to decide about a poem.

~D.A.

 

[The_Fool]

Re: Re: My latest Lament...

There are a couple spots early on where your wording seems a little forced - "much from spite." - "the mortgage seven years ago was paid" but i don't know if you intended it to sound so archaic (given that it was written for a slightly archaic instrument) or it's just how you came up with a rhyme. it does sort of stumble in those two places, to my eye (dunno about ear - I don't compse anything but techno, and that only as a drunken, occasional thing.

In any case, none of it is bad, and some of it is particularly striking - the last three lines stick out in my mind more than anything.

I would table this for a week or two and then come back to it when it's not so familiar and/or fresh in your mind and then re-evaluate it yourself. It helps me, when trying to decide about a poem.

~D.A.

Totally off the subject. Love your AV......



Foooool

 

[DeepAsleep]

Re: Re: Re: My latest Lament...

Totally off the subject. Love your AV......



Foooool

LOL, as well you might.

Thanks, it's soon on its' way out - I've been rotating them every so often.

~D.A.

 

[BooMerengue]

Re: Re: My latest Lament...

There are a couple spots early on where your wording seems a little forced - "much from spite." - "the mortgage seven years ago was paid" but i don't know if you intended it to sound so archaic (given that it was written for a slightly archaic instrument) or it's just how you came up with a rhyme. it does sort of stumble in those two places, to my eye (dunno about ear - I don't compse anything but techno, and that only as a drunken, occasional thing.

In any case, none of it is bad, and some of it is particularly striking - the last three lines stick out in my mind more than anything.

I would table this for a week or two and then come back to it when it's not so familiar and/or fresh in your mind and then re-evaluate it yourself. It helps me, when trying to decide about a poem.

~D.A.

Funny you say that, Deep... The last three lines seem to me to be part of another song completely.

As for those phrases sounding archaic, most mountain lingo is a bit archaic still. In fact I read someplace once that the true mountain English is closer to The King's English than anywhere else in America. Its everyday talk here to say "Have you not finished yet?" or "Are you not going to the store?"

I am going to sit on this a bit. I'm not happy with it, yet I don't know why. But thanks for sharing.

 

[DeepAsleep]

Re: Re: Re: My latest Lament...

Funny you say that, Deep... The last three lines seem to me to be part of another song completely.

As for those phrases sounding archaic, most mountain lingo is a bit archaic still. In fact I read someplace once that the true mountain English is closer to The King's English than anywhere else in America. Its everyday talk here to say "Have you not finished yet?" or "Are you not going to the store?"

I am going to sit on this a bit. I'm not happy with it, yet I don't know why. But thanks for sharing.

Distance and perspective, as they say. Good luck.

~D.A.

 

[BooMerengue]

b b b bump p p !!!

 

[champagne1982]

oooo.. was that you boo?

Down this dusty road

How many times we've ridden
down this dusty mountain road
and shared a silence, born of minds alike.

Our memories, inseparable (like plaited cord)
of years all limned in gold
and trials that we weathered, much from (out of) spite.

But we won against the odds.
The easy part is now.
No more babies born of pain.
No more twisting that old plow.

Our children have moved onward
with strong families of their own;
a legacy of pride, that we have made.

This mountain farm's a showplace,
for its yield, known far and wide;
the mortgage, seven years ago was paid.

But we won against the odds.
The easy part is now.
No more babies born of pain.
No more twisting that old plow.

Now, to tell you that I'm leaving,
Starting up a brand new life,
to me, this is the cruelest blow of all.

Well, I've met a blue eyed lover
who wants me to be his wife,
he's in my heart and broken down the wall.

Once again, my love, we travel
down this dusty mountain road,
gazing sadly o'er this lovely mountain sprawl (mountain's shawl)

I will leave you in the foothills
I will carry my own load,
and I pray you will not see me if I fall.

(And we'll win against the odds.
The hardest part is now.
Remembering all my babies' pain
and the twisting of the plow.)

My suggestions are surrounded by parentheses, the words I thought need tweaking are in bold.
I like this, I just wish I could help you do something with that rhyme in the first part, if only to make the words flow more smoothly...

How many times we've ridden
down this dusty mountain road
and shared a silence born of minds alike. (in tune)

Now, how can you tie that in and not lose the phrasing in the next verse? I don't know.

I hope this helps.

 

[BooMerengue]

Oh, Champ... It helps a lot- thanks. I'm goin to get it out again tonight I think. You've given me some new ideas.