My Gift To Mike - by Victoria14xs - A Review

[EmilyMiller]

THIS IS INTENDED TO BE AUTHOR-TO-AUTHOR FEEDBACK, FOCUSED ON CRAFT ASPECTS OF THE STORY, NOT A GENERAL REVIEW.

Author: @Victoria14xs (thanks for your permission)

Story: My Gift To Mike

Category: Fetish

Tags: foot, foot fetish, boss, office, feet, toes, confession

Length: Short Story (2.5k words)

Current Stats: ️ 4.91 14.4k 12 10

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Note: This posting is in response to comments made on my thread, Do you view AH as a literary forum? Any spoilers included in this review are unintentional. If you spot one, please tell me and I’ll fix it.

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The tags (and Victoria’s avatar) probably give you the general idea. And you would be right. This short story has foot fetish up front and center. But you would be mistaken to think that this is all My Gift To Mike is about. It’s essentially a highly emotional tale. A bitter-sweet tale. A tale about the right connection with the right person at the wrong time. As such, the foot fetish elements are intertwined with the more universal themes.

The language is simple and direct. Nothing fussy or showy here. Victoria’s words are servants to the story she wants to tell, the feelings she wants to convey, Her choice of vocabulary both adds weight, and allows room for the reader to empathize with the narrator. It also makes for a story dripping in realism.

I sighed with Victoria’s about her delicate predicament. I wanted to hug her. And - very notably - I was aroused by a kink that had never previously registered with me. I think it’s powerful writing to expand how the reader sees the world and its possibilities.

All of this is reflected in the stellar rating the work has attracted and the decent (given the category and tags) readership.

Nothing is ever perfect. I would have appreciated more time with the two protagonists. Perhaps an element of doubt or soul-searching creeping in. The question of what next is left hanging. But perhaps, as often in life, there are no ready answers. Perhaps giving this glimpse into what are clearly strongly-held feelings was as much as the author could offer.

It’s not exactly an awful critique that this reader wanted more.

 

[StillStunned]

Not my kink, and I don't read nearly as much here on Lit as I should, but I think I'll check this one out.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I agree with your comments. I'm always impressed with little gems like this, little stories that strike a chord. It's such a human, humane little story, the characters are plausible, the intimacy is gorgeous. It's one of those stories where I say, don't extend it, don't write a sequel, just let it be, Let it stand as a bright shining jewel. @Victoria14xs - good stuff!

 

[StillStunned]

Lovely story. I agree with Em that the use of language is great: simple words that tell the story more effectively that trying to show off your extensive vocabulary. There's a beauty in using everyday language to paint a picture and elicit an emotional response. The effect is often greater than if the language is overdone.

If these reviews are going to be honest, and not just a group hug, I should add two points of constructive criticism.

The first is the use of brackets (parentheses). I thought they were unnecessary. They break the immersion, and the sentence would have worked perfectly fine without them.

The second is about the transition scene, where Mike makes his confession to the narrator. I think it could have benefitted from making the dialogue a little choppier. Maybe some more pauses, or otherwise "His words came out in a rush, as if he'd rehearsed them". It's all a bit too smooth, which paradoxically makes the scene a bit awkward, and it stands out because everywhere else the story reads very naturally.

But overall it was a good read, and proof once again that an accomplished writer can create relatable characters and a hot sex scene without three Lit pages of build-up.

 

[Omenainen]

Why isn’t this on story feedback forum?

 

[StillStunned]

Why isn’t this on story feedback forum?

If I'm not mistaken, Em's hope is to have some more writerly discussions here in AH. I get the impression that quite a few of the denizens here don't venture onto the other forums, so let's hope it's a success!

 

[Omenainen]

If I'm not mistaken, Em's hope is to have some more writerly discussions here in AH. I get the impression that quite a few of the denizens here don't venture onto the other forums, so let's hope it's a success!

Should we also import political discussions for those of us who don’t go into other forums? Or personals? We do have a perfectly good forum for this type of things. But whatever, I guess. Please proceed.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Why isn’t this on story feedback forum?

Hi,

Oh dear. Whatever I do ends up upsetting someone.

Victoria didn’t seek feedback. Various people were bitching about there not being enough craft focused stuff here. The idea was for people to talk about a story they liked and why.

I didn’t see this as competing with the Feedback forum. I think it’s different.

But maybe I goofed - as normal.

Em

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

Should we also import political discussions for those of us who don’t go into other forums? Or personals? We do have a perfectly good forum for this type of things. But whatever, I guess. Please proceed.

Up to you I guess. This is a hangout. What do you talk about when you and your friends hangout IRL?

I'd suggest the only restriction is implied by the name of the site; Lit(Literature)erotica(Yeah, we all got that part).

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

Hi,

Oh dear. Whatever I do ends up upsetting someone.

Victoria didn’t seek feedback. Various people were bitching about there not being enough craft focused stuff here. The idea was for people to takin about a story they liked and why.

I didn’t see this as competing with the Feedback forum. I think it’s different.

But maybe I goofed - as normal.

Em

Nah, you're good.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Hi,

Oh dear. Whatever I do ends up upsetting someone.

Victoria didn’t seek feedback. Various people were bitching about there not being enough craft focused stuff here. The idea was for people to takin about a story they liked and why.

I didn’t see this as competing with the Feedback forum. I think it’s different.

But maybe I goofed - as normal.

Em

This topic fits in AH just as well as in Story Feedback and I just want to voice my support for you in this attempt to bring a somewhat different type of discussion here. This is literally discussing the craft of writing as it is clearly stated in the forum description.

You don't really need to worry so much about stepping on anyone's toes; this is a free forum and no one can tell you what to do and where to do it. There are hundreds of topics that don't truly belong here, but I can't remember anyone coming with huffs and puffs to make a big deal out of it. Let's just respect our right to make our own choices, and if there is some kind of transgression here, there are mods to deal with that.

 

[Bamagan]

Hi,

Oh dear. Whatever I do ends up upsetting someone.

Victoria didn’t seek feedback. Various people were bitching about there not being enough craft focused stuff here. The idea was for people to talk about a story they liked and why.

I didn’t see this as competing with the Feedback forum. I think it’s different.

But maybe I goofed - as normal.

Em

If the mod believes it doesn't belong here, the thread will get moved. Now we play the waiting game.

 

[EmilyMiller]

This is intended to be author to author feedback. Of course you can’t fully disentangle the reader perspective, but I believe this is essentially different and focused on how the story was written.

Em

 

[AG31]

Victoria’s words are servants to the story she wants to tell, the feelings she wants to convey,

Very nicely phrased.

Now I'll go read the story. I do enjoy the old tradition of "book discussions." But your initial response was so eloquent, I'm guessing I won't have much to add. Back in a bit!

 

[AG31]

" straying from my usual tales which are so raw and fiery and visceral."

Off the topic of the story at hand, but this sounds like the makings of a whole new thread. The exact same thing has happened to me. The relationship between the kinds of stories in the mind of the author is interesting to me when the author has a relatively narrow normal type of story.

 

[AG31]

I went back a couple of years to look at my posts in the DestructiveReaders subreddit to organize my thoughts. Now that I've gotten into it, I'm not sure I'd use it again here on Lit if this idea of discussing writing takes off... Not sure why.

Summary
I was much taken by her intro. I believed it.

I was happy to read all of the setup. She entertains describing a buttoned down law farm.I was hooked by the end of the fifth paragraph. I looked forward to having foot fetishism explained by such a congenial narrator. This pretty much did it for me.

"A foot guy would understand what I'm saying. Nudity. Right in the office. It's like infrared light, undetectable by most but somehow a foot guy sees in that wavelength. I'll stop trying to explain it..."

But I really did appreciate the detail at the end.

Your Questions
Not relevant here, but I'm leaving the placeholder as an idea for future discussions.

Title
I think it's fine, but just for taste reasons it wouldn't have gotten me to read it. It's evocative enough that I think it would get others to read it.

Style
For me style is something that makes a book pleasurable apart from plot and character. Here are some of the aspects of style that I look for.

- rhythm of sentences, length and complexity.

Nothing to take note of, which, I think, is a complement.

- Notable turns of phrase - the kinds of things I imagine an author puts in a notebook waiting till they find a good use for it.

"It was a little intoxicating, the physicality."

I have to inject a personal note here. In one of my stories the MC utters a litany of "perfects." Some people read it as arrogance. Ah well, I surely didn't misread this sentence. It's perfect. "When I think of that setting, the perfect weather, the perfect house, the stunning view - it was just that...perfect."

- Triteness or "lazy author" language.

None

- A specific authorial tone.

Spot on. Little things make the narrator come alive, "gonna," "So back to Mike. My Mike."

- Economy of narrative. By this I don't mean "brevity" of narrative. I mean, instead, that every phrase really contributes to the impact of the story.

I didn't spot anything extraneous.

Ear for Dialogue/Reflection

For me this is very important. I have often set a book aside within the first one or two pages if the ear is really bad. An example is a character managing to insert the hair color, weight and ethnic origin of someone, along with a little bit of history just in ordinary conversation or reflection. Ugh.

Her internal monologue was totally believable. As for the dialogue, it didn't strike me as "off," but neither did it have that ring of authenticity that a few authors can generate.

Plot

- Was it clear what was happening?

Absolutely.

- Did the tension build and then get released?

Perfect. From the get-go we know there's going to be a foot fetish encounter of some sort, the tension is in what's going to make it worth a whole story? The tension is resolved beautifully.

- Was the point of the story clear? I.e., is it a slice of life? a moral tale? Pure thrills?

Here's where I wish I were a better wordsmith. It's a slice of life, but a lot more. Can anyone here help me with this?

- Is it novel?

I don't know enough about the world of foot fetishism to say. Maybe this sort of tender encounter is actually pretty common. But even if it is, novelty of content isn't a requirement for me in my enjoyment of a story.

Are all the mysteries resolved

I found that surprisingly often in the DescructiveReaders subreddit I ended up just plain confused by the piece of writing. I'm guessing that wouldn't happen here so much, but I'll leave the category in place. My Gift to Mike was in no way confusing.

Character

Narrator, Victoria - Vivid.

Mike - Adequately portrayed.

Description

I'm not a visual person, so I don't need pictures and, except for her great description of her feet, there isn't much here. So it's not good or bad.

Mechanics and Diddley Squat
I didn't spot any typos, repeated words (unintentionally repeated), bad punctuation, etc.

 

[Bazzle]

Hi,

Oh dear. Whatever I do ends up upsetting someone.

Victoria didn’t seek feedback. Various people were bitching about there not being enough craft focused stuff here. The idea was for people to talk about a story they liked and why.

I didn’t see this as competing with the Feedback forum. I think it’s different.

But maybe I goofed - as normal.

Em

Hell I would love your feedback in any forum. Even pigeon post!

 

[AG31]

If these reviews are going to be honest, and not just a group hug, I should add two points of constructive criticism.

This is what I would like to see. Critiques of stories where the author wants honesty. StillStunned, I agree with your second point about improving the dialogue. I didn't notice the brackets.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Hell I would love your feedback in any forum. Even pigeon post!

Just PM me a link, hun.

Em

 

[AG31]

It doesn't look like this kind of discussion is getting much traction. In some other threads I saw a lot of comments observing that people didn't actually read a lot of lit stories. Frankly, I don't either. But I do enjoy critiqueing (sp?) stories that someone has put out for a response. Come on, folks! Read the story! It's a fun read!

 

[AG31]

Not my kink, and I don't read nearly as much here on Lit as I should, but I think I'll check this one out.

The category is certainly not to my taste either. But it was a very congenial intro to a world I knew nothing about. I'd encourage you to read it and respond.

 

[StillStunned]

The category is certainly not to my taste either. But it was a very congenial intro to a world I knew nothing about. I'd encourage you to read it and respond.

Keep scrolling...

 

[ElectricBlue]

It doesn't look like this kind of discussion is getting much traction. In some other threads I saw a lot of comments observing that people didn't actually read a lot of lit stories. Frankly, I don't either. But I do enjoy critiqueing (sp?) stories that someone has put out for a response. Come on, folks! Read the story! It's a fun read!

You can't force it. This is pretty much the level of interaction in the Feedback Forum. The expression, "blood from a stone" comes to mind.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

It doesn't look like this kind of discussion is getting much traction. In some other threads I saw a lot of comments observing that people didn't actually read a lot of lit stories. Frankly, I don't either. But I do enjoy critiqueing (sp?) stories that someone has put out for a response. Come on, folks! Read the story! It's a fun read!

I understand your sentiment, but there are reasons why people wouldn't want to comment or review a story. If you really liked the story, it is easy to point out it's good sides in a positive manner. It will always go over well. But what if you had some criticism? What if you thought the story wasn't very good at all? On average, authors don't take criticism well, that is my experience at least. I offered my thoughts on some stories in the Story Feedback forum several times, and I was trying to be honest each time but always trying to give every criticism a positive vibe. The only times I believe it went over well was when the author was completely new to writing and had no big expectations. The other times... yeah.

Peer reviewing can be amazingly useful, both for the author of the story and all others who can read the review. Much can be learned from the honest opinions of other authors. But most of us here are vain creatures and many would interpret criticism as a form of rivalry or a jab at our writing, some personal animosity or the disliking of the genre itself, etc. That is why I believe that for this to work, a controlled environment needs to be set up in the form of a book club or something, where at the start at least, one would take stories only from some old authors long gone, so no toes would be stepped on. Once the dynamics and trust were established, you could move on to stories from still active authors, with their full consent, of course.

Take a look at AwkwardMD&Omenainen's thread in Story Feedback. It works because the dynamics are already established and authors mostly know what to expect. Sure, there is some criticism that can be said about their approach, but everything is transparent and it is always up to the author to offer their story for a review.

 

[Devinter]

a controlled environment needs to be set up in the form of a book club or something, where at the start at least, one would take stories only from some old authors long gone, so no toes would be stepped on. Once the dynamics and trust were established, you could move on to stories from still active authors, with their full consent, of course.

Take a look at AwkwardMD&Omenainen's thread in Story Feedback. It works because the dynamics are already established and authors mostly know what to expect. Sure, there is some criticism that can be said about their approach, but everything is transparent and it is always up to the author to offer their story for a review.

I agree with this completely. It's one thing to put your own story into the spotlight, accepting that it will come under fire in one way or another. It's a completely different thing if someone else just throws my story up there and then people start throwing their 2 cent coins at my face. Now, I believe that quite a few author's here - myself included - could take that criticism well, and I have given criticism to other authors in private that they appreciated greatly. So I'm not sure I agree that "most are vain creatures", but some certainly are - and that's enough to lead to a negative environment.

I'll be honest; I read the story when Emily made the thread. I didn't post or comment afterwards because of the exact reason you mentioned above. Because it's a good story with a tremendously excellent rating, so if I show up with a "Great story, but have you considered X.." I'd probably just get a "Who the fuck are you?" back in return.