My frustrations

[danmay]

Hey everyone.

Was hoping to get some advice if possible.

Been with my partner for a while and she's amazing. She tries things for my sake. Usually though, as she isn't a natural, she makes it seem like a chore when we "play". She often sighs when it takes too long to tie me up etc. This makes me feel a bit rubbish.

My interests are constantly developing, and our communication is good, so I always tell her ways that the experience for me can be improved. More often than not, she will try these after a few reminders, but all of the stuff that I previously liked will be forgotten. It feels like I'm not really getting fulfilled fully, which is such a frustrating feeling. It's been years now, and I was hoping by now that I wouldn't always have to "top from the bottom".

For the record, she has got into the whole kink thing, and she enjoys it. She just seems like she can't be arsed with it in person when I ask for it.

Any ways that I could communicate with her effectively? I have to be careful but she often says "well find someone who can do it better then" in a jokey way.

Thanks all!

 

[Swgopro]

Hey everyone.

Was hoping to get some advice if possible.

Been with my partner for a while and she's amazing. She tries things for my sake. Usually though, as she isn't a natural, she makes it seem like a chore when we "play". She often sighs when it takes too long to tie me up etc. This makes me feel a bit rubbish.

My interests are constantly developing, and our communication is good, so I always tell her ways that the experience for me can be improved. More often than not, she will try these after a few reminders, but all of the stuff that I previously liked will be forgotten. It feels like I'm not really getting fulfilled fully, which is such a frustrating feeling. It's been years now, and I was hoping by now that I wouldn't always have to "top from the bottom".

For the record, she has got into the whole kink thing, and she enjoys it. She just seems like she can't be arsed with it in person when I ask for it.

Any ways that I could communicate with her effectively? I have to be careful but she often says "well find someone who can do it better then" in a jokey way.

Thanks all!

No specific advice for you, but I know all about that "sigh." I don't think people realize how that can come off in the bedroom; especially if you have a bit of a fragile ego like I do. Even if it is rooted completely in "I want to fuck you like crazy and this is preventing me from doing that", it can come off as not being interested in what you're doing. I hope you're able to work things out.

 

[MeekMe]

Hey everyone.

Was hoping to get some advice if possible.

Been with my partner for a while and she's amazing. She tries things for my sake. Usually though, as she isn't a natural, she makes it seem like a chore when we "play". She often sighs when it takes too long to tie me up etc. This makes me feel a bit rubbish.

If she's doing this for you and doesn't get anything out of it, then it probably is just a chore for her.

My interests are constantly developing, and our communication is good, so I always tell her ways that the experience for me can be improved. More often than not, she will try these after a few reminders, but all of the stuff that I previously liked will be forgotten. It feels like I'm not really getting fulfilled fully, which is such a frustrating feeling. It's been years now, and I was hoping by now that I wouldn't always have to "top from the bottom".

So~ she doesn't get a lot of enjoyment out of the experience, and you want to find ways to improve your experience?

For the record, she has got into the whole kink thing, and she enjoys it. She just seems like she can't be arsed with it in person when I ask for it.

If tying you up takes too long use different restraints. Are you asking for new things that have to be learned? Needing instructions before fucking gets old quick. Always being told you could do more or try more things you're not into doing gets old QUICK.

Any ways that I could communicate with her effectively? I have to be careful but she often says "well find someone who can do it better then" in a jokey way.

Thanks all!

Ask her how you can make it better for her. What can you do to make your kinks more fun and enjoyable so that she can join in enthusiastically instead of grudgingly making your fantasies come true. If she enjoys it more, it'll most likely be more fulfilling for you. As for telling you to 'find someone who can do it better,' it sounds like you might be telling her all the ways she needs to improve without telling her all the ways she did a great job. Real life is never going to be your perfect fantasy, so if you want her to suddenly transform into the perfect top of your dreams, you're always going to be disappointed.

 

[wicked woman]

Sorry you're frustrated, but all I can think of is how frustrating this must be for her.

She's not a natural, not into it, tries anyway but you're constantly telling her how to do it better! You don't ask much, do you? Try being grateful for what she already does. Maybe start thinking about her and pleasing her - in and out of bed - and maybe she won't mind so much.

Then again, if I was her, that it doesn't come naturally to me would make us incompatible.

 

[J_R_Ashunwhy]

She tries things for my sake...
she isn't a natural, she makes it seem like a chore when we "play". She often sighs when it takes too long to tie me up etc...
I always tell her ways that the experience for me can be improved...
all of the stuff that I previously liked will be forgotten...
I have to be careful but she often says "well find someone who can do it better then" in a jokey way.

Sounds like she is equally frustrated, and your communication is not where you think it is. I'm not sure if you meant it to, but your post comes off as being very one-sided and slightly selfish. Open the conversation to include her needs/wants/desires, and ask for her input. Ask lots of open-ended questions--not simple questions that provide easy 'yes' or 'no' answers--and listen to what she has to say in return.

 

[butterfly_flip]

Hey everyone.

Was hoping to get some advice if possible.

Been with my partner for a while and she's amazing. She tries things for my sake. Usually though, as she isn't a natural, she makes it seem like a chore when we "play". She often sighs when it takes too long to tie me up etc. This makes me feel a bit rubbish.

My interests are constantly developing, and our communication is good, so I always tell her ways that the experience for me can be improved. More often than not, she will try these after a few reminders, but all of the stuff that I previously liked will be forgotten. It feels like I'm not really getting fulfilled fully, which is such a frustrating feeling. It's been years now, and I was hoping by now that I wouldn't always have to "top from the bottom".

For the record, she has got into the whole kink thing, and she enjoys it. She just seems like she can't be arsed with it in person when I ask for it.

Any ways that I could communicate with her effectively? I have to be careful but she often says "well find someone who can do it better then" in a jokey way.

Thanks all!

So, what do you do for her?
Serious question

 

[Fostershm]

Sorry you're frustrated, but all I can think of is how frustrating this must be for her.

She's not a natural, not into it, tries anyway but you're constantly telling her how to do it better! You don't ask much, do you? Try being grateful for what she already does. Maybe start thinking about her and pleasing her - in and out of bed - and maybe she won't mind so much.

Then again, if I was her, that it doesn't come naturally to me would make us incompatible.

I can't say it any better then this poster here. My thoughts just much more eloquently written.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

For the record, she has got into the whole kink thing, and she enjoys it.

This is the line that caught my attention.

She enjoys the whole kink thing, but that's like saying she enjoys the whole food thing, or the whole music thing. Specifics. She isn't enjoying topping you, so I'm curious: what are the kinks that bring her pleasure without burdened sighs?

 

[richard_daily]

This is the line that caught my attention.

She enjoys the whole kink thing, but that's like saying she enjoys the whole food thing, or the whole music thing. Specifics. She isn't enjoying topping you, so I'm curious: what are the kinks that bring her pleasure without burdened sighs?

Precisely. There is very little in the OP that indicates there has been dialogue about what her interests are. She might be very into kink, but the kind of kink that's not being addressed or practiced in their lives.

That's a conversation that's likely very needed, and creating a space for someone else is tantamount for creating a good dynamic, especially if one or more partners are new to things.

 

[Blue]

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[AfterDusk]

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[AfterDusk]

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[Okletsgo]

Sharing advice I received

Advice I received when I first started to explore

Give up the preconceived idea in your head of how it's going to 'be'.

What will work is what works for you BOTH. And that's going to take time and alot of talk
And I know talk does not sound sexy but trust me it is! The sexiest part of your partner is their mind and what's going on in there. Either you haven't asked the right questions yet or she hasn't felt confident enough to say.
The good news is that time is on your side. There is no mad rush to do everything all at once right away. The real beauty of time is that it allows you to explore at the slowest persons pace. Pay attention and you'll see it.

So be kind to one another, it's new to you both, fun and scary which makes it exciting. But you learn together.

And good luck

 

[Okletsgo]

Also, have you ever considered switching?
Even just as role play to try?

It may be that she is struggling with her role because she's not a natural top?!

 

[MeekMe]

Man, I think you guys are being a bit harsh! If this was a woman saying her man wasn't pleasing her enough, I wonder how different these responses would be?

My response would be the same regardless of gender. Speaking as a woman with experience in such a situation, I've received advice from this board that was way more harsh. I took the advice and I did some introspection and changed my approach.

If OP thinks we're wrong and being too harsh, I'm sure they can come back to let us know on their own. Maybe they can update and tell us if the advice was in anyway helpful to their situation.