My fourth has been published

[lowflykiwi]

P/peeps

I have had my fourth story published. Please have a read and leave comments and votes.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=385725

One very good piece of criticism has been about my use of screwy nicknames during the ecstasy. Your comments?

More in the pipeline...

Kiwi

 

[CWatson]

During the ecstasy? They're still shopping and already the nicknames are getting sillykins! To be fair, part of the problem is the use of that particular suffix (-kins) on just about every diminuitive they use. Plus, you don't have any "normal" pet names (baby, honey, sweetie, snoogiewoogie-lips)--like, ever. It's compound names or bust in your story. I don't know whether you were intentionally trying to be creative this way, or this was just what came out when you were writing, but either way, you sound desperate.

Also, have your characters forgotten about the laundry machine? If some of their clothes are not ripped or torn, they can be washed, which would make this trip obsolete. (I know, I know--why let facts get in the way of good storytelling? Well, because, if you don't, The Reader will think you're lazy. And, as in commerce, The Reader is always right.)

And finally, your dialogue is sometimes rote and inauthentic. These lines particularly stuck out to me:

"Well, in that case Silk," Rebecca continued, "I'm so hot right now from the attentions of my new husband that I'm at your beck and call. How do you want to proceed?"

"Rebecca, I'm so attracted to your cum dripping pussy," Silk eagerly replied, "I just have to eat it out right now."

lowflykins, no one talks this way. Especially not in the throes of hormones-caused-by-cum-dripping-from-pussy. I'm betting you've spent a lot of time in the business or academic world, and been trained in the levels of formality those environments require. That's all well and good, but you're in fiction now, and you're going to have to untrain yourself. Listen to what you hear at the water cooler, not at staff meetings; reproduce the former. (If you really want, go on YouTube and find some videobloggers or stand-up comedians and practice transcribing their discourses word-for-word and sound-for-sound.) You must train your ear to hear, not just to listen. And until you do, your fiction will suffer. It's as simple as that.

Other than that, I like it. The story is well-written and the idea of the shape-shifting store is very cute. You've got some things you could improve, but you've also got other things you do just fine already--and I hope you don't give up on those.

 

[starrkers]

I haven't read the story, but if CWatson's quote is accurate (and I see no reason it wouldn't be), I don't think I'll enjoy it much when I do.

On the point of unrealistic dialogue - one trick to getting it right, or at least more right than you have here, is to read out loud what your characters say. If it sounds awkward or clunky, it is. Change it.

 

[lowflykiwi]

CWatson, Starrkers

Thanks for the honest feedback. I really appreciate it and will put all your suggestions in my writers tool box.

I must admit that I did have some reservations on that particular Silkpussy line.

Cheers
Kiwi

PS. Starrkers what happened to the Emu?

 

[starrkers]

PS. Starrkers what happened to the Emu?

BOSTONFICTIONWRITER started casting aspersions on my figure, so I thought I'd better put it up so others could judge for themselves.

 

[lowflykiwi]

I am not sure about aspersions, but I know that I could cast some others thngs


Kiwi