My first written erotic story... thoughts?

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[Sj2016]

Very well done. I think the best thing I can say about your story is that I wished it hadn’t ended so quickly! It’s hard to balance writing enough backstory to make it believable with the need to “get to the good parts” quickly so you hold the reader’s interest. I’m very impressed, and hoping you deliver more.

 

[PennyThompson]

Short, but sweet! Great detail and descriptions, for the most part.

She immediately stops and calls out my name, surprised to know I am even at home. She rushes to the door, both in confusion and excitement. Her expression is complete shock upon seeing me beyond the corner, fully hard with my clothes on the floor. “Oh my, what are you doing,” she asks. “Are you jacking off out here?”

This sequence reads a little strangely, the logistics of the moment feel awkward. When did the husband take off all of his clothes? If he was trying to watch without being noticed, I feel like he'd probably keep his clothes on

The wife's reaction feels weird too, why is she surprised, confused, shocked, and excited all at once? And how did she call out her husband's name, get up from the bed, to the door, to around the corner, all before the husband can even react?

Relatively minor issue though, I think it could easily be fixed with a little tweaking.

I agree with @Sj2016 though, the big thing is that I was left wanting more emotional connection and context. This is a nice, sexy scene to drop into the last third of a story about a frustrated couple who need to rekindle their marriage, and discover their shared secret voyeurism kink

 

[StillStunned]

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