My first time,so go easy on me!

[English Lady]

Hello everyone!


I have just had a story posted and I am very excited about it!

I really would like to hear feedback from people who read it as I want to know what (if anything) people enjoyed about the story itself and my style and equally so I'd like to hear why people didn't like it.

If People have any views, comments or opinions at all I'd love to hear them!


Thanks alot! now heres where it is!


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=64664



And again thank you!!

 

[the_bragis]

Hello English Lady,

Mm... what a wonderful imagination you have there, or did you really dream this? I enjoyed the dream stories, they kind of give the author a license to be a little wilder don't they?


This is basically what I noted about your story as I read:

I felt undeniably drawn to this room, as if there was a force pulling me through it, (past tense)I walk forward and open the door quietly and slowly, my heart thumping and my nipples hard with excitement and curiosity.(present tense)

You have changed tenses throughout your story. This is confusing for a reader. Most author find it easier to write in past tense.

The hint of leather seeming to make you notice her nudity more than if she wore nothing at all.

Here you have switched from first person to the second person point of view. Again it's confusing to a reader, and you need to stick with one or the other. 'Second person' stories are hard to write, and for many hard to read also.

During your story you implied several times there were people watching, (damp spot on my panties for anyone to see) but you never actually described this. I would have like to have had details. I think others would too, after all isn't there a little of the voyeur in all of us?

You have a few bits of punctuation missing, but nothing I couldn't deal with.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day now.

Alex (fem)

 

[Singularity]

Spanking

A few suggestions on sentencing and paragraphs. I would lessen the usage of long sentences, and make more, punchier sentences. Here are a few examples.

I had a dream last night, I know not the most original of first lines but stick with me: I promise it gets better. I was walking down a long corridor with a lush red carpet and orange toned walls; people were milling all around me, entering doors or just walking like me. It’s a while before I start noticing the signs on the doors I am walking past.

I would reword it as:

I had a dream last night. I know, it's not the most original beginning, but stick with me. It gets better, I promise.

I was walking down a long corridor with a lush red carpet and orange-toned walls. People were milling all around me, entering doors or just walking, like me.

It takes a while before I notice the signs on the doors I am walking past.


Again, I would tighten the sentence:

They all seemed quite innocent at first then the signs started to become more blatant

The signs all seemed quite innocent at first. Then the signs started to become more blatant and explicit.


The paragraph between "SPANKNG" and "STRIP is a bit long. I would start a new paragraph with "Abruptly..." and again at "She said".

There are also a tense-changes mixed in here. "stood" and "wore" should be "standing" and "was wearing", I think.

I also recommend that you start a new paragraph when someone new speaks. "Ouch!," I scream... is a good paragraph starter (as well as a fine starting point for lots of other things). Note the comma I snuck in there, too.

I thought the ending was bit weak, but overall, the story was a nice beginning piece. For me, I like to have some more scene-setting description and more dialog, too. This could be an elegantly weird David Lynch film scene with a bit more lavishness (Mulholland Drive, etc).

Dream (and write) some more.

 

[NaughtyMike]

Hello everyone!


I have just had a story posted and I am very excited about it!

I really would like to hear feedback from people who read it as I want to know what (if anything) people enjoyed about the story itself and my style and equally so I'd like to hear why people didn't like it.

If People have any views, comments or opinions at all I'd love to hear them!


Thanks alot! now heres where it is!


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=64664



And again thank you!!

The style and imagination are good. I am not into getting off on someone else's dreams about spankings. How about a writing a story from a real life experience making it realistic? If it is a dream, make it more Twilight Zone stuff, add a circus, a few midgets and a talking dog.

 

[English Lady]

the Bragis!


Thankyou for your comments!

I hadn't noticed the swopping tenses, but now it is pointed out to me I think it is a regional dialect variation. I actually speak like that! I will have to try and take more notice of mty spell checker! It is very english indeed!


I hadn't really realised the voyeur element..but you are right i could play on that more...


thanks again for your comments!!


Singularity


Thankyou for those pointers, yes i think i do get a bit bogged down with long sentances..thankyou for your examples of how to make my writing easier to read.


As I said before my swapping and changing with the tenses is actually a regional dialect variation and i will have to watch out for that in future.


Thanks again for spending time writing these comments for me...much appreiciated!!!


English Lady

 

[English Lady]

Naughty Mike.


This story was infact based upon a dream I had. I personally think it is dreamlike enough without the additions of migets

In future i will be writing more stories with real life experiences in them so watch out!

 

[ChaucerFan]

English Lady welcome!

I like your narrative approach, and I think you had fun writing it!
Keep it "up"

 

[Zaudika]

No need to repeat what the others said above, but I at least wanted to post and say I enjoyed your story also. Dreams like that can be so fun!..
-Zaudika

 

[English Lady]

Thankyou Chaucerfan...really glad you enjoyed it!

Zaudika...thankyou for taking the time to let me know!