My first time published...
- Thread starter Toqueme
- Start date
Jenny_Jackson
Psycho Bitch
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2006
- Posts
- 10,872
Okay, look. I NEVER read loving wives and sure as hell don't post there. That said I was tell you this about your story, based on my own personal pet pieves and such.
First there is WAY too much discription. You should let your characters make the discriptions. For example, which works better and gives the reader a handle on your character -
I looked at Sarah's really big knockers and drooled.
Or
I looked into Sarah's eyes and said, "I love your over sized hooter shooters. They are delicious and make me drool."
See? Lots more info and this tells the reader something about "I" and what she's thinking. The reader wants to get inside the head of the character.
Another example. A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
Duhhhh
That's the beginning line of 100,000 jokes told over and over. There are a lot of things wrong with that. Your story has the same things wrong with it.
First "A guy" Who the hell is he? Does he have a name? Names make contact with the reader, pronouns like "I" ... "he"... "we" and "us", as well as generic discriptors like "a guy"... "some girl" and so on, do not. Name your characters. Just that one thing will help you along.
Next... "a bar?" What kind? And was the bartender male or femail? Be specific.
I could have written the line - Gary walked under the sign for Joe's Tavern and into a dingy, darkened room with a long bar along one wall where Harriet, the bartender, moped the splintered surface with an equally dingy rag and asked her for a whiskey straight up.
Wow... Images... information.. and interest.
Really you had a good idea for a story which you handled pretty well. With the things I've pointed out above, your story would go from a 3.5 to a 4.5 with out a doubt.
Keep writing. You'll catch on. Just remember those three words. Images...Information... and Interest.
J Jackson, 423 Insanity Ave
First there is WAY too much discription. You should let your characters make the discriptions. For example, which works better and gives the reader a handle on your character -
I looked at Sarah's really big knockers and drooled.
Or
I looked into Sarah's eyes and said, "I love your over sized hooter shooters. They are delicious and make me drool."
See? Lots more info and this tells the reader something about "I" and what she's thinking. The reader wants to get inside the head of the character.
Another example. A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
Duhhhh
That's the beginning line of 100,000 jokes told over and over. There are a lot of things wrong with that. Your story has the same things wrong with it.
First "A guy" Who the hell is he? Does he have a name? Names make contact with the reader, pronouns like "I" ... "he"... "we" and "us", as well as generic discriptors like "a guy"... "some girl" and so on, do not. Name your characters. Just that one thing will help you along.
Next... "a bar?" What kind? And was the bartender male or femail? Be specific.
I could have written the line - Gary walked under the sign for Joe's Tavern and into a dingy, darkened room with a long bar along one wall where Harriet, the bartender, moped the splintered surface with an equally dingy rag and asked her for a whiskey straight up.
Wow... Images... information.. and interest.
Really you had a good idea for a story which you handled pretty well. With the things I've pointed out above, your story would go from a 3.5 to a 4.5 with out a doubt.
Keep writing. You'll catch on. Just remember those three words. Images...Information... and Interest.
J Jackson, 423 Insanity Ave
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