My first submisssions

Delicious reading

I read - damn, I've forgotten the name. The model posing for the camera. I thought it wonderful. I really can't think of what I would change about it. Perhaps at the beginning, I might have had a little trouble with the character's motivation - that is, I wasn't 100% on board with her excitement about the shoot. But as this progressed her increasing fascination with the camera worked to a delectable pitch and drew this together with quite intense erotic power. I found it extremely enjoyable, well-written, with a decent voice for the speaker and a good use of fragmented style to express her increasingly excitement.

Shanglan
 
No need to be shy. I second everything BS said. That was a very hot little piece, and extremely well-paced. I was a litte worried about the use of present tense, but in the end it worked out perfectly. A little gem.

---dr.M.
 
I've read the self-discovery and the photo shoot stories thus far. Both were delightful but I do have to say though that the photo shoot was so arousing.


Awesome, I'll read your other story soon, but if you have any more to post I'd love to read them.
 
I enjoyed it

I really liked your story. So often stories can be excessively crude, but I felt yours was rather elegant. It's a nice refreshing change of pace from what I normally read.

MFD
 
Self Discovery was average to me. I didn't dislike it ... I guess it was like a play by play, there wasn't a whole lot of emotional involvement.

The camera story was interesting, how she slowly sunk deeper and deeper into a bit of obsession ... and the camera itself became a character. I liked that. On the other hand, the camera was mentioned a lot, enough to become slightly abrasive. I'm at a loss for any synonyms for camera but i think mention of "the camera" got to the point of 'just enough' and may have crossed over into 'a bit too much'. I'd say if you use "the camera" in one sentence its safe to refer to it as 'it' in the next. In my opinion, that alternation will give a little variety to the repetition while still having the sense of the camera as a character.

I liked the other story as well. Some might consider the end a bit much, but as I said in my public comment I found it amusing and endearing.

I hope that my feedback was acceptable and perhaps you will read some things of mine?My submissions
 
MDF: Thanks for the praise.

Lyrical: Thanks for your comments. The ending of "Gentle Waves" was purposefully over the top. I had a riot writing it. As for "Camera", that's my favourite of the three. There's not too much I'd change. BTW, I hate vague pronouns; blame the scientist in me.

Thanks again.
 
Seduction is the hardest thing to write about, but I think it's also the most fun in some ways. I'm so glad you've showcased it, The Camera really was well done. I very much enjoyed it. And I loved the flashes and clicks. My suggestions are more about the icing than the cake, there isn't that much I'd think about changing.

Like the previous reviewer, I noticed the frequent use of "camera." "Shot" also started to get to me (where there are more obvious synonyms). And eventually I got tired of "leg", which I never thought could happen ;). I know where you're coming from about vague pronouns, and I think it's a style choice rather than an error to do it the way you have. But repetition does tend to hurt flow. This time it looks like you're going for sharp and punctuated, your sentence structure seems to whirr and click, move and freeze. It fits the photo shoot. The lack of pronouns suits your style here. But as a general rule, I'd rethink it. Readability is second only to believability in fiction, to me. Pronouns are only vague if misused. I think you hurt yourself by constantly using the same words, though. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was starting to count. You don't want that. You can choose your words to bring out the aspect of the camera that's most relevant (lens, shutter), the way you do with the flash (although you may not have done it intentionally). Alternatively, you can try using more symbolic language. The classic metaphor for a camera is an eye (metallic eye?), but there you're limited only by your imagination. It focuses us on the aspect you want to bring out, and avoids the repetition.

The shoot continues. We talk.

"I've never seen you before? Who do you usually shoot for?"

"I do a lot of freelance for Playboy and Penthouse."

Honestly, I didn't know who was saying which here. It technically works either way, and it matters quite a lot. You've gotta make it clear who spoke first.

, the dress is now to both sides of my legs,

Where you have a scientist's objection to pronouns, I have a gripe about vague verbs ;). The dress can fall, drape, drift, hang, or float to the sides of her legs…but using passive voice is wasting the opportunity to draw it in our minds. Not something you do very much, though, which is why this one stuck in my mind.

I stand, placing a heeled leg on the chair.

Feet have heels. Shoes have heels. Legs? You totally lost me with this one. I sense that you wanted to keep the focus on her legs rather than the foot that's actually ON the chair, but there has to be a way to do it that doesn't start evoking dissonance in my head.


the camera lights my senses

I really liked this, playing with the imagery. I think you could've stood more of it, but that really is just me.

I'm divided about the end. The realist in me knows that such shoots must end with the practicality of packing up and dealing with the proofs. But this isn't about realism, it's about her reaction. I think I'd have her reacting to losing the camera, to realizing (pleased or not) that the images are now captured in those proofs…or I'd leave it out and end with her on the bed. Your intent may have been to jar the readers with the sudden return to reality, but I'm not sure why unless you do it to your narrator as well.

G
 
Ginger,

Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments. I genuinely appreciate your suggestions.

Re: overuse of the word "camera." I struggled with this aspect of the story. I wanted only simple, one-word synonyms for "camera". I had considered using "light box," but I feared that some of the readers might interpret that as meaning that the model's vagina was of small mass. All kidding aside, I wanted a punchy, staccato feel to the story, acting in compliment to the camera's action. I tried to convey a sense of hypnotism, but for some readers I may have turned the story into a monotonous drone. I used "lens" several times, but my brain cramped, and I did not come up with "shutter;" that's a good one that I regret not thinking of.

Re: Pronouns. Yes, I was referring to "The Camera" specifically. See above regarding my attempt at a hypnotic feel. I have to state though, that the word "it" leaves me cold, especially at the start of a sentence. I have nothing against pronouns other than when they are misused. I think we're in agreement on this point.

Re: "Dress to both sides" and "Leg on chair" comment. You're absolutely right. In my defence, I had noticed both these sentences and wanted to change them, but in my enthusiasm to submit the story… oh well.

Re: The ending. I forget who, but a writer (Tom Robbins, perhaps?) once stated that all endings are flawed and, by their very nature, weak. This statement is no excuse for a shoddy conclusion, however. I, too, am dissatisfied with the ending. My original draft had the model in a foetal position at the end of the story. However, I thought it too depressing, especially given the orgasm she just experienced. I also had one draft concluding after the orgasm paragraph. Interestingly, and unintentionally on my part, a lot of feedback has asked about the follow-up story in which the viewing of the proofs leads to sex between the model and the photographer. I never intended for a continuation, and it certainly wouldn't follow the line suggested by some readers. But I digress. Yes, I agree that the end is abrupt. Perhaps the last paragraph should be dispensed with, but I felt that the proverbial after-sex cigarette had to be lit.

Again, I sincerely appreciate the effort you placed in your comments, and thank you for your praise.

C
 
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