My first submisson story.

[absorb]

I just had published my very first story ever written on Lit. Here is the link. I know there a few to many commas and I do use the characters name alot. It was my first time writing I did enjoy the story after I read it myself. I didn't have an editor or anything I did it on my own. I hope to get your thoughts and hope people like it besides the comma problem and the characters name mentioned a bit. Anyway here is the link:
http://www.literotica.com/s/vampire-ball

 

[Joe_T]

I think your story has potential, but dear god you need an editor.

 

[absorb]

I think your story has potential, but dear god you need an editor.

Thanks, for reading it and saying it has potential. I understand an editor is important. I just hadn't ever written anything before and am new to Lit. I was not sure whom to go to for editing purposes. I will do so the next story though.

 

[Wes_Ryder]

New one for me too

I just joined last week and posted a story I wrote for my wife. Looks like it's been read by a lot of people but has only received a few votes. I'm not looking for a Pulitzer, but some feedback from the veterans would be great.

Thanks in advance!

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-hot-and-authentic-salsa-recipe

 

[_Lynn_]

I just had published my very first story ever written on Lit. Here is the link. I know there a few to many commas and I do use the characters name alot. It was my first time writing I did enjoy the story after I read it myself. I didn't have an editor or anything I did it on my own. I hope to get your thoughts and hope people like it besides the comma problem and the characters name mentioned a bit. Anyway here is the link:
http://www.literotica.com/s/vampire-ball

Yes, you need an editor.

I will admit I wanted to stop reading after the first sentence. However, I struggled through so I could give feedback. But disregarding the errors wasn't easy. There's not really a plot to speak of and we don't learn much about the characters. The piece is dull and far from erotic. The story isn't a story. Instead you have a couple scenes. There isn't anything interesting to keep readers on the page. Dialogue will help a lot. Action will as well.

Keep writing but learn the basics of writing a story.

 

[_Lynn_]

I just joined last week and posted a story I wrote for my wife. Looks like it's been read by a lot of people but has only received a few votes. I'm not looking for a Pulitzer, but some feedback from the veterans would be great.

Thanks in advance!

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-hot-and-authentic-salsa-recipe

Your grammar and punctuation is bad. As with the previous story I commented on, I wanted to stop reading after the first sentence. I tried to finish the entire story but couldn't.

Somehow I didn't expect an EC story to focus on salsa on the stove. You lost me in the beginning. Cooking can be erotic, yes, but your piece doesn't show that. You have a scene, not a story. You don't have a plot and the characters are flat.

Learn proper punctuation and grammar. Add some action and put less focus on the mundane parts.

 

[absorb]

Yes, you need an editor.

I will admit I wanted to stop reading after the first sentence. However, I struggled through so I could give feedback. But disregarding the errors wasn't easy. There's not really a plot to speak of and we don't learn much about the characters. The piece is dull and far from erotic. The story isn't a story. Instead you have a couple scenes. There isn't anything interesting to keep readers on the page. Dialogue will help a lot. Action will as well.

Keep writing but learn the basics of writing a story.

I appreciate your time and the fact you responded. Have a good evening. I will take what you said into consideration.

 

[Wes_Ryder]

Your grammar and punctuation is bad. As with the previous story I commented on, I wanted to stop reading after the first sentence. I tried to finish the entire story but couldn't.

Somehow I didn't expect an EC story to focus on salsa on the stove. You lost me in the beginning. Cooking can be erotic, yes, but your piece doesn't show that. You have a scene, not a story. You don't have a plot and the characters are flat.

Learn proper punctuation and grammar. Add some action and put less focus on the mundane parts.

Fair enough, this was in fact a scene over a character based piece, I had not thought of it that way until you mentioned it. Maybe I watch too much plot-less porn!

That being said, I'll take your attack of my punctuation with a grain of salt. The beauty with writing is it can be an art, and it certainly doesn't always have to follow the rules. I normally write dark fiction which is influenced by writings of similar punctuation, by authors who make way more money than I do. Perhaps my style doesn't best transition to erotic fantasy, but I know for a fact the writing is not as bad as you make it out to be.

I appreciate the time you took for this, and despite the punctuation debate I will use your review to improve my stories for a wider audience. I take nothing personally

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I appreciate your time and the fact you responded. Have a good evening. I will take what you said into consideration.

Absorb, think before you speak. Mistress L, together with strange characters like sr and estragon, are top-notch editors and it is silly to have a hissy fit when they do you the courtesy of responding.

Wes_Ryder, ignoring your confusion about tenses, we are looking for a story (you know, "plot") and an opening unending sequence of cooking jalepeno chillillies that drags interminably is not going to attract a bundle of readers.

Both of you (whilst these threads would get more comments in Story Feedback) should think about the very good advice given.

There is a fundamental difference between having an erotic encounter you want to share and being able to convert that into a story with pathos and edge-of -the-seat excitement. As Lynn says, a story needs a bit of tension and surprise - and oodles of dialogue.

Both of you are writing for yourselves and not erotic fiction. Go back and re-read ML's critique

 

[sr71plt]

I thought absorb responded quite well. Certainly no "hissy fit" to be seen.

On Wes_Ryder, though, there aren't any different conventions for punctuation of "dark" fiction than for any other fiction. Some writers do take liberties with punctuation, but until/unless they have demonstrated that they are masters of the written word and are purposely taking liberties, the logical conclusion is that they just don't know how to properly use punctuation.

 

[Wes_Ryder]

Thank you all for the feedback, truly. If my reply was seen as a "hissy fit" then once again my punctuation has failed me! But I have to admit an opening line to constructive criticism like "you're punctuation and grammar is just bad" is a bit blunt, at least lube me up a bit first. After all, I'm a hobbyist not writing for the NY Times!

Regardless, I'm here to improve on my writing as a hobby and the day I take criticism to heart is the day I should probably stop doing it. I will work with these suggestions to better myself.

Also, the most helpful comment in all of this feedback was by elfin with "you are writing for yourselves and not erotic fiction." That made perfect sense to me.

Look forward to bettering myself. Thank you again.

Wes

 

[_Lynn_]

Fair enough, this was in fact a scene over a character based piece, I had not thought of it that way until you mentioned it. Maybe I watch too much plot-less porn!

That being said, I'll take your attack of my punctuation with a grain of salt. The beauty with writing is it can be an art, and it certainly doesn't always have to follow the rules. I normally write dark fiction which is influenced by writings of similar punctuation, by authors who make way more money than I do. Perhaps my style doesn't best transition to erotic fantasy, but I know for a fact the writing is not as bad as you make it out to be.

I appreciate the time you took for this, and despite the punctuation debate I will use your review to improve my stories for a wider audience. I take nothing personally

If I 'attacked' your punctuation, I wouldn't have stopped at saying it was bad.

This is yours:

"No, I just didn't know what it was" she said while stealing the spoon from the bowl and trying a taste of the fresh salsa.

"Wow babe" she said as she tasted it, "you need to open up a restaurant or something" and she reached for another spoonful.

"Thank you, but you should probably save some for the others" Rick grinned as he made his way around the island.

That little bit has missing commas and periods as well as run-on sentences, for starters. In addition, you have the female MC doing the same action in two sentences in a row.

Following the basic rules of grammar and punctuation helps make a story more enjoyable to read and shows the author cares about his/her work. If you're writing for yourself, then fine, do as you choose. However, you posted your story on Lit and then asked for feedback. That opens your work to the opinions of others.

 

[Wes_Ryder]

i loved it

Thanks brother!

- Lynn, you certainly are hard on us newcomers. You made your point a while ago, I'll work on it. Either that or I'll quit and take up yoga. More ass, less punctuation.

 

[_Lynn_]

Thanks brother!

- Lynn, you certainly are hard on us newcomers. You made your point a while ago, I'll work on it. Either that or I'll quit and take up yoga. More ass, less punctuation.

Nah, I'm not hard on you at all. Honest, yes. But if I said you did an awesome job, you wouldn't strive to improve. And we can all improve.

 

[Wes_Ryder]

Nah, I'm not hard on you at all. Honest, yes. But if I said you did an awesome job, you wouldn't strive to improve. And we can all improve.

Thank you Lynn. Great, now I want to stay up writing again all night!

 

[Wes_Ryder]

I mean, now I want to stay up all night writing again!

 

[_Lynn_]

I mean, now I want to stay up all night writing again!

Remember punctuation, take time to form a plot, and make your characters interesting enough to keep the readers on the page until the end. Have fun!

 

[sr71plt]

With the missing dialogue punctuation that LM has pointed to, it's a little surprising your story passed into the story list. This appears to be a particular bugaboo of the site editor and we frequently have reports of stories rejected with no other apparent problem than this.

 

[SultryBreakfast]

I think your story has potential, but dear god you need an editor.

I agree. I find it is best to have 2 pairs of eyes to look over work. Even 3 if you can.