My First Submission

[Xanaphia]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=487172

Okay so this is my first submission, and I was hoping some authors can give me some criticisms and suggestions for future works. I am very self-conscious at the thought of having my work critiqued, so please be gentle with me. Thanks in advance!

 

[Lien_Geller]

Hope this helps!

Okay so I’m a pretty new author myself so don’t take this as gospel but here’s my two cents.

First thing that strikes me is that half of the story is summed up in brackets at the start. What the hell? Can you imagine if Tolkien had said (Ok so there are these nine guys, four hobbits, an elf, two men, a dwarf and a wizard. Hobbits are like little gnomey things that like to smoke weed and drink but the wizard’s got them all going on this quest to throw a ring into a volcano. It’s a really bad ring. Meanwhile this other wizard has made these badass ogre type things that are trying to kill them all. One of the men was a douche for a bit but it was ok because he died saving two of the hobbits. The nine of them split up and that’s where we’re at now. Enjoy!) Then had just started with the Two Towers?

If you’ve got a story to tell then tell it, don’t just summarise it.

The next part suffers from a lack of introduction to the characters. This is especially notable where the two men take the woman with or without her permission. Am I supposed to think they’re dashing rogues or thuggish rapists? I have no idea. I’ve just been thrown in the deep end.

The sex itself is well told with good changes in position that adds variation but it’s altogether too brief to set my imagination on fire. Also there is an over reliance on description of action rather than description of setting and character. I have no clue what any of these characters look like and without the opening bracketed description you could take this story and plonk it in any category. There’s nothing fantastical about the sex. I’m not saying it’s time to introduce some dragon bestiality here but you say she’s a sorceress? So why not introduce something like the room freezing over as her lust starts to absorb the heat of their surroundings? I know from my brief experience in writing that what’s in your head isn’t always what your reader goes away with. Check that you’ve got everything you want to put across down properly.

I’ve never done any kind of creative writing course and have only my experience in reading several tonnes of books and my own dabbling in writing to guide my criticism. I know how terrifying it is to put your work out there since it’s a little piece of you and opening that to any kind of critique is a brave thing. Also bear in mind that my personal tastes come into play since I enjoy being teased for a while and I like building up a sense of empathy with characters in stories before the sex begins. Many people don’t and criticisms of my stories usually revolve around some variation of “For fuck sake will you shut up about the shade of her hair and get her on her bloody back already?!”

So bear in mind that everyone’s different and I’m not tearing your story apart here. There’s heat there and my advice going into the future if you’re interested would be the following:

Don’t be afraid of telling your complete story. If something has happened before the story begins that’s relevant then include it! It gives a chance to establish setting and character before getting down to the sweet and sticky bits.

Add more description! Don’t spend pages describing a teapot or the corner of your character’s eye but basic outlines of what characters look like are pretty essential in getting the reader immersed in them. Also don’t forget that there are more senses than sight! Erotica is a medium where you can explore things like a persons smell, feel and taste much more freely so enjoy yourself!

Finally keep at it! Who cares what I think? If you love to write and enjoy reading your stories then get ‘em out there. Chances are loads of people will enjoy Twin Lust. Hell I’m a cold hearted bastard who hates almost everything and I didn’t think it was half bad! Anyways I hope this has been constructive and helpful for you and look forward to seeing more of your stuff on Lit.

Lien Geller

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi Xanaphia and congrats on a first post. Don’t fret, all writers have thin skins and we are mortified if a critic calls one of our literary babies pig-ugly (they often do).

I think Lien is right on the money but, being me, I’ll add my bit anyway. The synopsis saps all life from the story.

If you added, “Then they had a threesome with anal sex” to the synopsis then you cover the whole story. To my mind, you carelessly toss away at least three precious plotlines in the synopsis which could have given you three chapters:

Set in a late renaissance fantasy time period, Silaqui is a half-elven sorceress who joined a local militia group at the request of twin brothers Raziel and Abel. Mutual attraction leads to sexual tension as the trio trains and works together. – This is your opener that gives you a chance to sketch out your characters, describe their setting and generally explain what’s going down and really explore the sexual tension.

What is a late renaissance time period? Why is there a need for a militia group and who are they? Are Raziel and Abel magical, elves or what? Where are they?

On a particular mission a week or so before this story takes place, the Three are scout a possible location of the enemy camp. They are spotted and Silaqui is shot, forcing Raziel and Abel to take drastic measure to preserve her life. – Who is the enemy? This is classic action – a chance to have a bit of excitement, possibly sex and leave the chapter as she is possibly dying.

After saving her and nursing her back to health, Abel seeks some "compensation" for their efforts. - Again, Lien is right, you don’t develop the characters so we poor schmucks, the readers, don’t know whether we care what happens.

Generally, I feel that description of people and locations should be kept to the minimum needed in erotic fiction, except . . . ‘fantasy’. You see the whole picture in your head but unless you explain in writing we don’t get that mental picture. What do they look like? What’s the tribal structure? Climate, location, etc.

I write this because you have whetted my appetite and I want to know more. For chapter 2, I really think you need to take some time to convey the setting and the people. I read your bio and see where you’re coming from, but the humiliation and non-consent must become full of sexual desire and passion to succeed on Lit.

Please write more.

Elle

 

[shareman2010]

perfect

Hi Xanaphia and congrats on a first post. Don’t fret, all writers have thin skins and we are mortified if a critic calls one of our literary babies pig-ugly (they often do).

I think Lien is right on the money but, being me, I’ll add my bit anyway. The synopsis saps all life from the story.

If you added, “Then they had a threesome with anal sex” to the synopsis then you cover the whole story. To my mind, you carelessly toss away at least three precious plotlines in the synopsis which could have given you three chapters:

Set in a late renaissance fantasy time period, Silaqui is a half-elven sorceress who joined a local militia group at the request of twin brothers Raziel and Abel. Mutual attraction leads to sexual tension as the trio trains and works together. – This is your opener that gives you a chance to sketch out your characters, describe their setting and generally explain what’s going down and really explore the sexual tension.

What is a late renaissance time period? Why is there a need for a militia group and who are they? Are Raziel and Abel magical, elves or what? Where are they?

On a particular mission a week or so before this story takes place, the Three are scout a possible location of the enemy camp. They are spotted and Silaqui is shot, forcing Raziel and Abel to take drastic measure to preserve her life. – Who is the enemy? This is classic action – a chance to have a bit of excitement, possibly sex and leave the chapter as she is possibly dying.

After saving her and nursing her back to health, Abel seeks some "compensation" for their efforts. - Again, Lien is right, you don’t develop the characters so we poor schmucks, the readers, don’t know whether we care what happens.

Generally, I feel that description of people and locations should be kept to the minimum needed in erotic fiction, except . . . ‘fantasy’. You see the whole picture in your head but unless you explain in writing we don’t get that mental picture. What do they look like? What’s the tribal structure? Climate, location, etc.

I write this because you have whetted my appetite and I want to know more. For chapter 2, I really think you need to take some time to convey the setting and the people. I read your bio and see where you’re coming from, but the humiliation and non-consent must become full of sexual desire and passion to succeed on Lit.

Please write more.

Elle

you said all things !

 

[Xanaphia]

Thanks a bunch for the suggestions, I really appreciate it. ^^

 

[jiskitten]

One more teensy thing

I agree with the responses you've already received. If the information you presented in your synopsis is vital, find another method to unveil it as you craft the story. One additional observation I made was the your use of dialogue. When possible, try to pull it out and let it stand on its on two feet. If it's important enough to say, and all dialogue should be, then it's important enough to be given the spotlight. Try not to drown your character's words in too much description, setting or narrative.

Hope this helps & keep writing!!



JisKi

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=487022