My first submission to lit-non erotic poem

[AmericanWench]

www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=106874

 

[WickedEve]

Comments

First, I'm sorry for your loss, if indeed this is about your life. You give good examples of how a woman tries to cope with life after tragedy. Then the poem has a twist of sorts when the woman's needs are revealed. The part about Master seems to come out of left field. I think it needs to be developed more. You have some strong material to work with here. I hope you'll accept suggestions from the poets on the board, and possibly consider revising if you receive some constructive comments that you feel are helpful.

 

[OT]

Although I'm uncomfortable reading pieces about such a loss, I thought it was well written. As for the master-twist at the end -- here again it made me a bit uncomfortable mixing an image of loss with an sexual image, but it sort of worked.

You managed to cram a lot of emotion into a very small piece -- bad things happen, Life goes on, our outsides are not always representative of our insides, yearning for the master to just take control of your life for a while.

I'm not sure I could suggest anything specific for this piece, other than maybe trying to make it less prose-like. Writing is about communication and you succeeded in that department. You conveyed some very strong emotions and images. To make it more poetic though, you could maybe leave more to the reader's imagination. For example, yearning to go home and kneel before a Master is a strong image. Going on to say "knowing the decisions are his, and that I am his" is telling the reader what a master is.

Another example is in the first section would be to go with the quotes from others "She is so strong", etc, then transition to "I close the door and crumple to the floor ..." Cut the part that explicitly says "How helpless I feel".

Being new around here, one of the things we boldly assume is that if you post a link you want feedback on the writing. Take what you can use and leave the rest.

I'm not an expert, just a reader with an opinion.

 

[Cloudbrst9]

Originally posted by AmericanWench [

I read your poem, and decided to comment on it, but I'm definitely not an expert on poetry.

Unlike Eve, I find the Master a very revealing part of the person written about, real or not. The seemingly strong person really needing great support for what is almost too much to bear alone, and the seeming fact that there is much aloneness here in the person written about, the lack of support. I think this is a wonderful telling of what may happen often, though in a different way than most women might like to admit to (the Master part). There are times when all of us wish we could rely on someone else, I'm sure. Life can be very demanding.

Unlike OT, I like all of the emotions you've given, the depth, the completeness of the human capacity, capability, the deep needs, desires, of someone to rely on at a time like this, or even more.

If I had anything to say about it as "poetry," I would say that it is more like an extremely well written short story more than a poem, what some call prose poetry, but that is all being redefined as we go along.

Byron wrote a long poem about the human grief, loss, in "The Prisoner of Chillon," but if you have access to it, you may find that it is not suited to your telling. How to say what you said any better may be in resetting it in a more poetic way, but what that is, I can't say. I loved the writing though.

cb9

 

[AmericanWench]

Thank yoyu

Thank you for comments and suggestions on my poem.

I wrote it a while back, and it is on my webiste, which is D/s in nature, that is why the D/s, master content is in there. I suppose it does seem more natural being on the website, than it does on it's own...

In any event thanks for all of the comments!

AmericanWench