My first story...

[secretdesire]

I promise not to be on here pimping for feedback with every story I may submit in the future. But since this is my first one, I'd love it if any of you could tell me what you think.

Before submitting, I reread it a few times, but having just skimmed it now on-line, I already found a few mistakes/omitted words (grrrrrrr!). So, don't worry about pointing out obvious typos like that. I'll know next time to be more careful with my editing and/or maybe get another writer to give it a read through before I submit.

The main things I'd like to know are:
1) Is it written well?
2) Is there enough story/plot?
3) How good or bad is my character development?
4) Is it, um, hot?
5) Does it feel genuine? In other words, was there a feeling of real emotion? Was it believable?

And anything else that comes to mind (suggestions, criticisms, etc.). I would appreciate any feedback anyone wants to give, good or bad. Don't worry about hurting my feelings... seriously.


Here's the link:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=49098
It's an "Erotic Coupling" story.

Thanks so much.

 

[jon.hayworth]

I found it hard to believe I was reading a story by a new author, the story was well written, spellchecked and edited - I only noticed one missing word.

A program worth getting is READ PLEASE 2002 that is availiable as a freeware download from Zednet. Wildsweetone recomended it and I have been using it over the last week.

You paste your text and it reads it back to you - well worth having for finding missing words etc.

My only criticism of the story line is. - That first kiss came out of nowhere. The jump from an old non-sexual friend to the sex was a bit of a jump, but then we all have to telescope things. Maybe if he had been an old High School boyfriend it would have clicked better.

Overall it was great!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jon

 

[ladyphoenix]

secretdesire's new story

Wow.

Hon, all I can say is, KEEP WRITING. A fantastic first story!! You managed to take a plot that is generally a little overused, and make it fresh and interesting...a great feat!

I agree that your grammar and structure were nearly flawless, and by the end of the story I was even willing to forgive you the old "holding onto her like she's his lifesaver and he's in the middle of the ocean" metaphor.

If I had a complaint it MIGHT be that for a first romp they did just about ever position possible with no breaks but hey, that would only be IF I had a complaint.

BRAVA!!!!!

 

[secretdesire]

Thanks so much for the feedback. I really do appreciate the comments and encouragement. I'm not actually new to writing, just new to writing erotica. But I've already got a few other story ideas, so I'm sure this won't be my last submission.

Jon - You're right about that first kiss. I had intended it to be more of a friendly peck (or at least appear to be that), but I guess I didn't make it clear enough. The thing I found the hardest about writing the story was trying to balance the story/build-up with the sex. I wanted to have enough story in there to make the sex mean something, but not so much story as to lose readers looking for sex.

ladyphoenix - LOL. I wasn't sure if I'd get away with the cheesy "life ring" remark. I wanted to have some sort of romantic culmination to their session, though, so I went for it anyway

 

[CharlieG]

A brilliant first effort at erotica. It made me hard as a rock, and I only regret my wife isn't home at this moment! All of us have memories of high school friends who never made it to the level of a lover. My life won't be complete until I at least kiss Lois W, for example. (Not really, but you get the idea.)

Keep it up, and your readership will keep it up (or wet) with you!

Charlie

 

[Ukin]

I too read the story, found it very well written, believable too. Keep writing.

 

[secretdesire]

Thanks for reading my story, Charlie and Ukin. I appreciate the feedback!

I've actually resubmutted a new edit of it, fixing a few grammatical problems and reworking a few paragraphs. Some of the changes I made were based directly on feedback and now I think it's even better. So thanks for the input everyone!

 

[NoJo]

Nostalgic Passion

Really great stuff!!

The main things I'd like to know are:
1) Is it written well?
2) Is there enough story/plot?
3) How good or bad is my character development?
4) Is it, um, hot?
5) Does it feel genuine? In other words, was there a feeling of real emotion? Was it believable?

1) It read really well! Very easy to read, clear, simple almost conversational style. The words did not get in teh way of the narrative.
2) Well, that's a matter of taste. I didn't fell that I was kept guessing all that much -- maybe I like a bit more tension and ambiguity of mood.
3) I think the woman's personality was suggested very well -- with subtlety. The man's charcter was a little less 3-d, maybe.
4) Let me put it this way: I got somewhat jammed under my desk for quite a few minutes afterwards!
5) Her emotions and thoughts were more genuine, even though she was more passive. You were obviously more "inside" her than him. I guess that's because the fantasy is "Secret Admirer for years", not "Love requited after years".

 

[secretdesire]

Re: Nostalgic Passion

Thanks so much for the feedback, Sub Joe! Someone else mentoined to me exactly the same thing about the male character being, more or less, your run of the mill cardboard cut-out. And it's true. I didn't put much effort into him (well, until the sex, anyway ). It's definitely a one-sided story from the female perspective. When I was re-editing the story recently (the re-edit isn't posted yet), I contemplated giving Roy more depth, but then decided to just leave it alone on this one. I'm going to try to create a more balanced characterization in on my next story, though.

 

[NoJo]

I don't think that all characters need to be fleshed out -- sometimes it weakens the story to do so. I have the same "problem" with my stories, by the way. I'd really like it if you could read my latest submission, Shutdown and Restart, (plug plug) which has been put in Lesbian Sex, even though I think of it as a romance. Out of 3,000 words, only about 500 is sex. I get a lot of criticism for being too elliptical and unclear -- I'd be really interested in your views on it -- maybe going through the 5 points you requested for your own story?

Joe

 

[secretdesire]

"Shutdown and Restart"

Sub-Joe:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=49675

You know, I don't usually read lesbian stories, but I have to admit, I liked this one quite a bit. Maybe it's because it wasn't just about two women getting it on; it was more a story of 2 people falling for each other. I think you did a great job of bringing Jodie and Nadia together. I mean, I half expected Nadi to cop a feel at their first meeting, when she reached under the desk. So, having that not happen and actually having Jodie be the one to first exibit some interest was a pleasant surprise. Also, the fact that you threw in a line that hinted at Jodie having at least experimented with homosexuality before made the initial attraction more believable in hindsight. Definitiely some solid story telling.

Those two main charcters were very well defined. I really felt like I could picture them both and understand who they were. Even the other guy at the office was easy to picture. About the only character lacking depth was Peter, and it's actually that section of the story where you lost me a bit. I don't mean I didn't know what was going on, I mean the story just lost some steam. Clearly that section was intended to have less weight since the focus of the story was Jodie and Nadia's relationship. But I guess I wanted something more in there. That whole Peter section was just a little too chopped up, with that initial jump from being with Nadia to being engaged to Peter being especially abrupt. Also, the relationship with Peter never had a solid enough start for me to care when it was ending or to feel Jodie's sadness and loneliness (prompting her to think of the comfort of Nadia).

The way you brought Jodie and Nadia back together again, however, was very clever. I really liked that the way the whole thing came full circle. It was a journey of sorts--not just a "here's what happened"--and I really love that in a story. Endings can be so tricky and I think you nailed it perfectly.

Your writing style is outstanding, too. The whole thing flowed very nicely and was both easy and enjoyable to read (that's a BIG plus). I have no complaints about your grammar, either. So, aside from that one section of the story, I thought it was a really good read. Next time I hop on here, I'll probably go back and read your others.

 

[Firebuggie]

I quite enjoyed your story, Nostalgic Passion. The story flowed freely and the characterization was fairly clear. I did notice several extra words or missing words however. By all means, keep submitting and I wish you well in this new endeavor.

 

[NoJo]

Secret Desire

Secret, thanks for the incisive criticism. Rereading it after what you wrote, I see you're right about my story. I think I was a bit ambitious -- I wanted to stay under 3,000 words so it got a little rushed in places and Peter (Mr Sensible) ended up being a bit sketchy.

 

[Tsypheth]

I just wanted to take the time to applaud the work of a fellow new lit.com author! It is obvious from your story that you are far from inexperienced as a writer. You have an excellent grasp on the elements that most influence me - description and characterization. I'd say that you made the transition to the erotica genre quite well. Hope that you'll be onboard for the long haul - I'll look forward to reading further stories.

-Tsypheth-