My first story

[Candy_Apple]

This is the first ever story I've written and I was wondering if I could get some positive feedback as well as useful criticism.
I'm also working on a lesbian story at the moment.
Thanks!
Go here:
My stories

 

[Impetus]

Hmmm....lessee.

Well, it was definitely hot, which is not an easy thing to do, so in that much, at least, you were success. And, lets face it, that's the primary thrust of what we're trying to do here, right?

The one major suggestion that I'd make is that I hit some cognitive dissonance between the tense you were using and the kind of story you were telling. When the main character is talking like: "I will this" and "You will that", there needs to be a sense of tension, because that's what the writing style leads itself too. In your story, the scene is different than that. It's a story about sex and passion and the like, but the tension gets lost somewhere in the middle, where the couple starts actually having sex and the female looses control. It's still hot, but if the girl is supposed to be turning her man on by telling him about all the things she wants to do to him, then she should be the one keeping the sexual tension high.

Other than that, though, you seem to have some real tallent for writing. Keep it up.

-I

 

[judeegdon]

It hit the right note with me

I think the story is pretty good. I like the story in stylistic terms; the tense you use gives it a sort of immediacy which, frankly, is a bit of a turn on.

I guess if your next story is going to be in the same style, I would try and include more detail, decribe sensations etc. Otherwise (especially as you don't do much scene-setting) you could find that your stories will start to be too similar to each other.

 

[CandyApple]

My next story is going to be completely different. From the storyteller's point of view.. Rather than 1st person
That story actually started off as a letter to my boyfriend, but I decided to embelish a little and put it on the net!
Thanks for all the help