My First Story
- Thread starter Todd
- Start date
Merelan
Lady's Love
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2000
- Posts
- 10,812
I responded on the other thread. but will do so again here.
I have seen a bit of your writing style before. In the thread we started and had fun with on srp. "Up" for another one?
Anyways... the story. Soft, romantic and sweet. Ended kinda quick though. Is there more?
I have seen a bit of your writing style before. In the thread we started and had fun with on srp. "Up" for another one?
Anyways... the story. Soft, romantic and sweet. Ended kinda quick though. Is there more?
Persephone
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2001
- Posts
- 104
I wonder...
...why you would want to participate in a contest you obviously hold in such contempt?
...why you would want to participate in a contest you obviously hold in such contempt?
Persephone
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2001
- Posts
- 104
Regardless?
I read your story, Todd,I don't think it's gonna count as "evidence," and the only thing it proves is that Deborah and Madame Pandora are MUCH better writers.
I read your story, Todd,I don't think it's gonna count as "evidence," and the only thing it proves is that Deborah and Madame Pandora are MUCH better writers.
Madame Pandora
Deliciously Aware of Impending Sins
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2000
- Posts
- 1,627
Girls...girls....
Ladies,
You must always remember to take our Todd with a grain of salt. Don't let him fluster you or rile you.
Remember those kids in school who kept saying "no it isn't" no matter how many times you proved you were right? The longer you say "Yes it is" the more they get off on the argument.
Keep in perspective who you are arguing with. He's harmless and he has a good side. You just have to overlook the rest of it.
Let him have his delusions. Let him "prove" his theories. If you take away his crayons he might crawl off and start to open the kitchen cabinets and swallow some Draino or something and that would make us feel terrible.
You keep writing, Todd. That's it. Good boy.
MP
Ladies,
You must always remember to take our Todd with a grain of salt. Don't let him fluster you or rile you.
Remember those kids in school who kept saying "no it isn't" no matter how many times you proved you were right? The longer you say "Yes it is" the more they get off on the argument.
Keep in perspective who you are arguing with. He's harmless and he has a good side. You just have to overlook the rest of it.
Let him have his delusions. Let him "prove" his theories. If you take away his crayons he might crawl off and start to open the kitchen cabinets and swallow some Draino or something and that would make us feel terrible.
You keep writing, Todd. That's it. Good boy.
MP
Persephone
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2001
- Posts
- 104
Madame Pandora...
...I defer to your superior insight. I'll let the little guy alone.
...I defer to your superior insight. I'll let the little guy alone.
Actually, I didn't vote on the story, since it was a first attempt I figured you wanted some feedback so that you could improve on your writing.
I thought the story was sweet in its own way although some of it stretched the imagination to almost the breaking point. Yhe schooling that you would have to go through to become a biochemical engineer, a specialist in genetics and a medical doctor, not to mention a surgeon would have the love of your life dead and buried before you could clone her.
But there was some honest emotion to it and while I still don't understand why you and your lady love had to go underground afterwards. It was a good first attempt. I don't think I've ever allowed my first attempt to be published.
Cat~~
I thought the story was sweet in its own way although some of it stretched the imagination to almost the breaking point. Yhe schooling that you would have to go through to become a biochemical engineer, a specialist in genetics and a medical doctor, not to mention a surgeon would have the love of your life dead and buried before you could clone her.
But there was some honest emotion to it and while I still don't understand why you and your lady love had to go underground afterwards. It was a good first attempt. I don't think I've ever allowed my first attempt to be published.
Cat~~
Thank you KerrieOKeefe & CAT~~
That is the type of feed back I require, how else am I to grow or even think of growing without it. I admit you will never find huge ole words that require dictionaries or plot lines that require a cliff's notes version, but I can develope a fuller story nonetheless with feedback.
That is the type of feed back I require, how else am I to grow or even think of growing without it. I admit you will never find huge ole words that require dictionaries or plot lines that require a cliff's notes version, but I can develope a fuller story nonetheless with feedback.
Sateema Lunasi
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2001
- Posts
- 892
Hello Todd,
I just read your story and here is my totally honest take on it.
I like the concept. I think you should take it further, maybe even try and rewrite it. You should keep writing, no matter how the story is reviewed. The story had a sweetness to it, which is very touching. Now the problems that I see with it are these:
1. The story read a little like a high schooler's diary. That sounds harsh, but please don't think it that way. I mean to help, not to put down. You need more description in the story. I think that perhaps if your switched point of view to third person, this might help a little.
2. The characters have thin personalitites. Make them a bit stronger, a hit thicker and you will get past that. It is a mistake that I believe ALL writers make.
3. It is too short. I am the QUEEN of writing stories that are too damned short so don't feel alone.
I hope I helped a little. By the way, I will come out of the closet and tell you that I voted your story a "2"
On my scale, a "3" is average and your story was a LITLLE below average. Just a little though. Keep writing please.
Best regards,
Sateema
I just read your story and here is my totally honest take on it.
I like the concept. I think you should take it further, maybe even try and rewrite it. You should keep writing, no matter how the story is reviewed. The story had a sweetness to it, which is very touching. Now the problems that I see with it are these:
1. The story read a little like a high schooler's diary. That sounds harsh, but please don't think it that way. I mean to help, not to put down. You need more description in the story. I think that perhaps if your switched point of view to third person, this might help a little.
2. The characters have thin personalitites. Make them a bit stronger, a hit thicker and you will get past that. It is a mistake that I believe ALL writers make.
3. It is too short. I am the QUEEN of writing stories that are too damned short so don't feel alone.
I hope I helped a little. By the way, I will come out of the closet and tell you that I voted your story a "2"
On my scale, a "3" is average and your story was a LITLLE below average. Just a little though. Keep writing please.
Best regards,
Sateema
Sateema Lunasi said:Hello Todd,
I just read your story and here is my totally honest take on it.
I like the concept. I think you should take it further, maybe even try and rewrite it. You should keep writing, no matter how the story is reviewed. The story had a sweetness to it, which is very touching. Now the problems that I see with it are these:
1. The story read a little like a high schooler's diary. That sounds harsh, but please don't think it that way. I mean to help, not to put down. You need more description in the story. I think that perhaps if your switched point of view to third person, this might help a little.
Third person I can do. Nope not thinking that your putting me down, its what I need.
2. The characters have thin personalitites. Make them a bit stronger, a hit thicker and you will get past that. It is a mistake that I believe ALL writers make.
Personality development good idea.
3. It is too short. I am the QUEEN of writing stories that are too damned short so don't feel alone.
Working on something loonger though I was told that two pages was a good lentgh for stories so that sthe lengh that one was. Can I be your king
I hope I helped a little. By the way, I will come out of the closet and tell you that I voted your story a "2"
I don't mind an honest 2 one bit, I rather encourage honest low scores than a serious of of 5 1's all voted withing a 3 sec time period from the same IP number if you know what i mean
On my scale, a "3" is average and your story was a LITLLE below average. Just a little though. Keep writing please.
Best regards,
Sateema
KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2000
- Posts
- 25,603
I've never been an elite cliche before.
Your story wasn't about sex, so it's not going to go over real well with this crowd. It was about what you want to happen, you and her, happily ever after. You bent the rules of reality and credulity to make what you wanted to happen, well, happen. That's why you're having such a poor showing to start off with. You wrote from the heart without much planning, and you need some research as well. Write about what you know, not what you don't know.
I'm sorry to say this, but your mechanics really didn't work well. The grammar and punctuation need some work sweetie. Really they do.
I would suggest you plan your story so that when you are writing it you know where it's going. That way characters and pacing keep up with you. Plan your characters as well, give them thoughts, feelings, and a history. Characters either have chemistry or they don't. You can force them to do what you want them to, but it kind of ruins your story when you do. Remember, you are writing fiction.
Your story wasn't about sex, so it's not going to go over real well with this crowd. It was about what you want to happen, you and her, happily ever after. You bent the rules of reality and credulity to make what you wanted to happen, well, happen. That's why you're having such a poor showing to start off with. You wrote from the heart without much planning, and you need some research as well. Write about what you know, not what you don't know.
I'm sorry to say this, but your mechanics really didn't work well. The grammar and punctuation need some work sweetie. Really they do.
I would suggest you plan your story so that when you are writing it you know where it's going. That way characters and pacing keep up with you. Plan your characters as well, give them thoughts, feelings, and a history. Characters either have chemistry or they don't. You can force them to do what you want them to, but it kind of ruins your story when you do. Remember, you are writing fiction.
cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2001
- Posts
- 8,786
What exceptionally useful and well-considered feedback has been posted here. I'm impressed by the kindness and restraint with which it was offered. I doubt i'll ever be brave enough to ask for feedback in a public forum but if i did, i'd feel lucky to recieve the same brand of unsparing honesty.
Kudos to the few who offer such useful public criticism on behalf of the many who watch and learn from the shadows.
Kudos to the few who offer such useful public criticism on behalf of the many who watch and learn from the shadows.
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