My First Story!

[TwoStepImprov]

[deleted by author]

[Deleted by author]

 

[Maeven_quinn]

Hello everyone! Recently, the first chapter of my story was published. I've been working on the complete story for about a year now, meaning there's lots more of this story to come.

Here's a link: https://www.literotica.com/s/sydneys-favorite-ch-01

This story means a lot to me because it's perhaps one of my greatest fantasies. Obviously, I do not condone making someone a slave or wish slavery upon anyone. If you enjoy what you read, please feel free to leave a comment, favorite it, share it or give some feedback! I'm fairly new to erotic writing and any tips and advice is greatly appreciated!

Thank you very much. Hope you check it out

I read the story and enjoyed the set up. It's nice to see a male as a sex slave for the moment.

My only critique is I dislike present tense narration in stories. Some authors say this "brings you into the moment" and it certainly can do that if used well. I still think its short comings override that minimal benefit.

 

[NotWise]

It was a short, easy read, and there were no writing problems that kicked me out. For me, it was utterly unbelievable. There was nothing erotic, and nothing to interest me, so I think I can say unequivocally that I'm not in your audience.

 

[Jada59]

Should read "van's doors" instead of "vans doors". Writing it in first person didn't work for me. And... I'm not your audience either. Could not see it happening.

 

[TwoStepImprov]

(deleted)

 

[TwoStepImprov]

It was a short, easy read, and there were no writing problems that kicked me out. For me, it was utterly unbelievable. There was nothing erotic, and nothing to interest me, so I think I can say unequivocally that I'm not in your audience.

Thank you for your feedback. I apologize that there was nothing erotic in the chapter that appealed or interested you. It's definitely something I will keep in mind as I continue to work on this story. Regardless, I appreciate you taking the time to check out my work and leave feedback. It means a lot.

 

[TwoStepImprov]

Should read "van's doors" instead of "vans doors". Writing it in first person didn't work for me. And... I'm not your audience either. Could not see it happening.

Thank you for your feedback. I'm sorry my story didn't interest you, but I understand that it isn't for everyone. Thank you for catching the grammatical error as well. I'm going to have to look out for more of those in the future. Regardless, thank you for taking the time to read my story and leave feedback. It means a lot.

 

[Emirus]

Good beginning for a novice writer

The idea of a male sex sex slave isn’t new. I’ve read other stories in which the female is dominant, the male is captive, and an auction is involved. I would guess you have got your inspiration from stories such as those. So it depends on what angle you have put on the story to make it yours.

With the first chapter being so short you may lose potential future readers and I would suggest subsequent chapters be between 7,000 to 9,000 words equating to two to three Lit pages. If future chapters are only the same length you should join chapters together but I can’t give you any more advice on that because I don’t know the length of the entire story. You could have put more detail into the chapter and still ended up in the same place.

There’s no sex in this chapter but that doesn’t mean it’s not erotic. Sex is in the written word whereas eroticism is in the mind. If you haven’t submitted the next chapter already you need to do so even if it is only one page. You have to keep the interest of the reader. If a reader likes a story well enough they will find the first chapter and begin reading because they want to know how their relationship evolves.

I read a fifteen chapter story of about 170,000 words. I came across it when the eighth chapter was submitted, liked it enough to find the first chapter, and caught up to date. I’m sure many readers have had the same experience.


Everything on here is fantasy. You don’t need to say you don’t condone slavery. If the mention of a sex slave, man or woman, was unacceptable there would be a lot of stories removed.

 

[TwoStepImprov]

The idea of a male sex sex slave isn’t new. I’ve read other stories in which the female is dominant, the male is captive, and an auction is involved. I would guess you have got your inspiration from stories such as those. So it depends on what angle you have put on the story to make it yours.

With the first chapter being so short you may lose potential future readers and I would suggest subsequent chapters be between 7,000 to 9,000 words equating to two to three Lit pages. If future chapters are only the same length you should join chapters together but I can’t give you any more advice on that because I don’t know the length of the entire story. You could have put more detail into the chapter and still ended up in the same place.

There’s no sex in this chapter but that doesn’t mean it’s not erotic. Sex is in the written word whereas eroticism is in the mind. If you haven’t submitted the next chapter already you need to do so even if it is only one page. You have to keep the interest of the reader. If a reader likes a story well enough they will find the first chapter and begin reading because they want to know how their relationship evolves.

I read a fifteen chapter story of about 170,000 words. I came across it when the eighth chapter was submitted, liked it enough to find the first chapter, and caught up to date. I’m sure many readers have had the same experience.


Everything on here is fantasy. You don’t need to say you don’t condone slavery. If the mention of a sex slave, man or woman, was unacceptable there would be a lot of stories removed.

Firstly, thank you very much for taking the time to give me such thorough feedback. It really means a lot.

Length is definitely something I'm struggling with. It's likely that I'll condense the chapters to make the story fit in with the other writing I see here. You're definitely right. It's very much on the short side and that can cause people to lose interest. I've only recently gotten the freedom to work on this story full time because classes ended about a month ago and won't start again until fall.

My story definitely draws a lot from other stories about sex slavery. I haven't seen many about a male slave though, so I'll definitely dig a lot deeper to find more to read.

Considering the feedback I've gotten so far, I might remove the current version of this story and re-work it to make it longer and more erotic. We'll see though.

Thank you for your feedback. It really does mean a lot.

 

[SimonDoom]

I think you have the set up of a good idea and your writing, but for a few quirks here and there, is fine. A few things:


1. Format dialogue correctly and consistently.

"Hey cutie." She says. Is not correct. It should be "Hey cutie," she says. You do it correctly sometimes, but incorrectly often. Really work on consistency in how you handle dialogue.

2. My chief critique of the story is that I have no idea who Aaron is, so I don't care much about what he's going through. The eroticism of this story depends almost entirely on what's going on inside Aaron's head -- the mixture of fear, uncertainty, arousal, sex, submission, etc. For the story to be truly erotic you have to tell us what is going on inside Aaron's head at all times, and you don't do that. If you did that, it would draw out the story and make it much more erotic.

3. Why is he a virgin? He's a highschool graduate and he's been dating his current girlfriend for a year. So why would he be a virgin? That needs to be discussed explained, and it must be something he thinks about as the story progresses. Was he about to lose his virginity with Hannah?

4. It might push the boundaries of plausibility, but some element of enjoyable or at least arousing sexual activity should be introduced. As it is, he's just afraid (as he should be). Perhaps one of the girls teases him, or gives him a handjob to check out his equipment, and he can't help but get aroused and come for her. That would help move the story beyond just being an account of a kidnapping/crime and toward something more erotic.

I can see you haven't written chapter 2 yet. My recommendation for chapter 2 would be to dive hard into Aaron's thoughts and feelings and work more erotic sensations into the story. Keep up the tension between fear and arousal but remember that the tension and conflict are inside him and you have to show us that. In a way, it matters less WHAT happens and more HOW he feels about it.

Good luck.