My first story

[Kim34DD]

Hi I wrote my first story at the weekend. I'd really love any feedback on it. It's quite a short one I'd love to do more if people thought I was good at it. I know it's a fetish one but I'll be doing normal ones from now on. Just started with this one. https://www.literotica.com/s/footjob-fun

 

[Jd192235]

Well written

Overall well written Kim. I do have a few thoughts if you want pm me

 

[Kim34DD]

Overall well written Kim. I do have a few thoughts if you want pm me

done thanks

 

[Texastuffbbc]

done thanks

Very thoughtful and yes it has so much more potential, but the concept is good.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

The main issue I saw would be fairly simple to fix in your future work. I felt a bit like the proportions of the story were off. I'm just using "proportions" because I'm not sure what to call it. It's sort of like pacing, but not quite.

The story you were telling felt to me like it was progressing normally for a short story, up until the point you got the characters home. You introduced them and then provided a setting with the party. I was expecting something to happen at the party, since it was a big part of your story, but they pretty much went their separate ways once they got there.

The ending seemed sudden. I think that could be fixed by giving it more relationship to the earlier events in the story. I didn't really understand what the party had to do with what happened later, other than to provide alcohol. Maybe you could have him catching glances of her feet over and over again at the party. I think it would probably be helpful to demonstrate some attraction between the characters before they get home. That way it wouldn't feel like they basically ride-shared and then came home and all of a sudden, boom, foot job.

I know this one's already published, but maybe you can use the idea of relating the parts of your story to each other in your next one.

I thought the strongest part of your story was the description of the party. The bit about her breast size was a little out of nowhere, but the rest of it gave me the feeling of the party. I had a clear mental image of it. It was the sort of thing where the reader can say, "Yeah, I've been to parties just like that." It created a sense of place. I think that if you can create settings like that, you have a good place to start, no matter what you choose to write about .

As to whether you write another one, I think you ought to go for it. You should do it regardless of what anyone says. First of all, you wanted to write, so write. If someone doesn't like the way you talk, you're not going to stop talking, right? Same with writing. Second, writing more is the only way to get better.. When you write stories, you have to solve problems to make the story work. Every time you solve one of those problems, you get a little better. You could write your stories and not publish them, but then you wouldn't get any feedback, and that also helps. Third, I think you can be sure that there will be people who like your story. There is someone somewhere who has been dying to read about a foot job from a co-ed cousin, and now it's Christmas for that person.

 

[MohanSingh]

I was disappointed. The DD's barely got a mention in the story.

 

[Kim34DD]

The main issue I saw would be fairly simple to fix in your future work. I felt a bit like the proportions of the story were off. I'm just using "proportions" because I'm not sure what to call it. It's sort of like pacing, but not quite.

The story you were telling felt to me like it was progressing normally for a short story, up until the point you got the characters home. You introduced them and then provided a setting with the party. I was expecting something to happen at the party, since it was a big part of your story, but they pretty much went their separate ways once they got there.

The ending seemed sudden. I think that could be fixed by giving it more relationship to the earlier events in the story. I didn't really understand what the party had to do with what happened later, other than to provide alcohol. Maybe you could have him catching glances of her feet over and over again at the party. I think it would probably be helpful to demonstrate some attraction between the characters before they get home. That way it wouldn't feel like they basically ride-shared and then came home and all of a sudden, boom, foot job.

I know this one's already published, but maybe you can use the idea of relating the parts of your story to each other in your next one.

I thought the strongest part of your story was the description of the party. The bit about her breast size was a little out of nowhere, but the rest of it gave me the feeling of the party. I had a clear mental image of it. It was the sort of thing where the reader can say, "Yeah, I've been to parties just like that." It created a sense of place. I think that if you can create settings like that, you have a good place to start, no matter what you choose to write about .

As to whether you write another one, I think you ought to go for it. You should do it regardless of what anyone says. First of all, you wanted to write, so write. If someone doesn't like the way you talk, you're not going to stop talking, right? Same with writing. Second, writing more is the only way to get better.. When you write stories, you have to solve problems to make the story work. Every time you solve one of those problems, you get a little better. You could write your stories and not publish them, but then you wouldn't get any feedback, and that also helps. Third, I think you can be sure that there will be people who like your story. There is someone somewhere who has been dying to read about a foot job from a co-ed cousin, and now it's Christmas for that person.

Thanks so much for the feedback! Wow you put an amazing amount of thought into it (probably more than I did with the story) Lol. Yeah I understand I ended it abruptly. I wanted to leave the reader wanting more. As it was my first time, I didn't really know whether to jump straight into the footjob, or to build the scene first. I definitely should have described some of the things that happened at this party. Love your idea of him catching lots of glances of her feet at the party! Please PM me!!

 

[Adrian69702006]

It was well written and enjoyable. Stories don't have to be long in order to be enjoyable. I enjoyed it tremendously and I'm sure your confidence will develop over time.

 

[GroverLang]

Short sentences.

I won’t go into great detail because Nyx has covered so much. There are the usual punctuation errors etc which are common not just with new writers but many who have written dozens of stories. Something I’m sure you’ll work on the more you write.

The main point I would make at this time is your sentences are too short. The writing doesn’t flow. It’s very staccato and needs to be smoother. When a story comprises short sentences it makes the person reading go faster which can give a wrong impression of what the writer intended. But that doesn’t mean you have to deliberately write long sentences. It’s a balancing act. Many short sentences can be made better by joining them together. Sometimes adding the word “and” can be a simple solution. Read your story aloud to yourself and you’ll get the idea.

This is also the case with your second story but I realise you were already committed to it being posted before you were able to act on any advice. Never be in a hurry to submit a story until you are 99% happy with it. You should never be 100% because then you become complacent.

Be patient and don’t try and cure everything immediately. Relax.

 

[Kim34DD]

Thanks so much for all the feedback. I'm tempted to write one more story but not sure whether to or not

 

[Adrian69702006]

Thanks so much for all the feedback. I'm tempted to write one more story but not sure whether to or not

Well if you have the time, I'd say go for it. Lockdown or not, I currently have too many projects on to manage anything beyond the odd story.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Hi I wrote my first story at the weekend. I'd really love any feedback on it. It's quite a short one I'd love to do more if people thought I was good at it. I know it's a fetish one but I'll be doing normal ones from now on. Just started with this one. https://www.literotica.com/s/footjob-fun

Write as many fetish stories as you wish. I know I do.

And if you are tempted to write one more story, go for it. If you're lucky, the more you write the more ideas you will come up with.

 

[Kim34DD]

Thanks so much for the encouragement

 

[kromen]

Nice start. Keep it up.

 

[Chlobo]

Hi I wrote my first story at the weekend. I'd really love any feedback on it. It's quite a short one I'd love to do more if people thought I was good at it. I know it's a fetish one but I'll be doing normal ones from now on. Just started with this one. https://www.literotica.com/s/footjob-fun

I liked it, I thought it was cute and unique and liked the use of drunkenness. It was a shame when it came to such an abrupt end, but it works as a short story.

 

[Kim34DD]

Thanks a lot

 

[SexyShel]

If you have the time then do more stories. I have just got back into doing a couple more stories after a number of years, basically with lockdown I have a bit of spare time.

Possibly use real life situations which you have been in as the basis of a story, I find those easier to do than imagining a whole plot from scratch.

PS I have sent you a message.

Shel

 

[OttawaGuy50s]

Comments

Hi I wrote my first story at the weekend. I'd really love any feedback on it. It's quite a short one I'd love to do more if people thought I was good at it. I know it's a fetish one but I'll be doing normal ones from now on. Just started with this one. https://www.literotica.com/s/footjob-fun

Hi Kim,

I have some constructive feedback if you care to PM me.

S.

 

[GoofyRob]

To start with, were the girls both cousins or just were they cousins? What does that add to the story?