my first story

[enderfling]

Hey all- first time posting here as well as this is my first story, so I'd love to get some feedback on what you all think!

https://www.literotica.com/s/sex-drugs-and-an-unexpected-threesome

 

[Bramblethorn]

Hey all- first time posting here as well as this is my first story, so I'd love to get some feedback on what you all think!

https://www.literotica.com/s/sex-drugs-and-an-unexpected-threesome

I think it's been posted to the wrong category (Letters and Transcripts); it ought to be in Nonconsent/Reluctance, and getting to an unexpected rape scene was a turnoff for me :-/ So I can't say much about the story side of things.

A couple of grammatical issues. I'd suggest reading up on how to punctuate speech, and watch for random tense shifts:

A few years ago I was dating a very lovely young lady, for the sake of this story we will call her Carolyn.
...
Carolyn and I have been dating for a few months. We've had plenty of sex, but it's mostly vanilla
...
We immediately jumped onto the internet
...
A few minutes passed and the girls finally come out of the bathroom...Lydia and I make small talk, and a few moments later the bedroom door opens and there stands Carolyn

The story switches tense quite a few times for no obvious reason, which gets annoying for a reader.

 

[myindeeds]

A couple of grammatical issues. I'd suggest reading up on how to punctuate speech, and watch for random tense shifts:



The story switches tense quite a few times for no obvious reason, which gets annoying for a reader.

Agreed.

And on a more personal level, I don't like the style of this story at all. It's not a story as much as it is a list of accomplishments.

It took me a few moments to really understand what was happening: my 10/10 girlfriend wants to bring another girl into the bedroom. We immediately jumped onto the internet, making ads on craigslist, reddit, tumblr... anywhere we could, looking for a girl to bring into our sexual play. After meeting a few girls that didn't meet Carolyn's standards (they had to be skinny, shaved, cute in the face, basically 9/10 or better), she began looking through her Facebook friends list for girls. It only took a few minutes before she found one she liked, a girl named Lydia.

I don't get the feeling that these characters can be imagined. Hi Enderfling. I am an 8/10. Does this dress look good on me? What do you mean you can't tell? Well, mister, just wait until I unleash my 2/10 personality on you. Sorry for belabouring the point which is "show me the story unfolding." If as a result the length of your story blows out 250%, so be it.

Find an editor and make an effort to make these characters seem real. And don't do it with exposition: "she was blonde, tall, adjective, adjective, adjective, ... ." Do it through real characterisation in action and reaction. So how can you say Carolyn has huge breasts? Because the protagonist can fit his head in one of the bra cups. How can you say she is short? Because she needs help in the kitchen to reach the pots and pans (added bonus - he helps her, she cooks). Etc.

 

[DreamCloud]

And on a more personal level, I don't like the style of this story at all. It's not a story as much as it is a list of accomplishments.

I have to agree. I disliked the MC and Carolyn immediately. I felt sorry for the ex-girlfriend that got crapped on by the both of them. Her story might be more interesting.