My first story

[Bodie]

Guys,

Okay, I posted my first story. I'd be pleased to hear anyones feedback, publically or privately.

I'm not looking for compliments; but I am looking to learn.

Thanks in advance,
Bodie

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=66165

 

[sirhugs]

Bodie:

A very ambitious first story. And amazingly well-crafted. I assume this is not your first time as a writer.

I personally thought it was too long, and could have been broken into chapters, or sequels. I like sequel stories, and find my attention wanders if a story goes more than 2 pages ( with rare exceptions). Others have different opinions of course.

I thought the detailed backstory at the beginning was too much , given you don't go anywhere in the plot with the bakery angle. Perhaps a whole story involving her work or uniform would work- it appeals both to food fetish, and uniform fetish ( both of which I have).

I was unclear how you know she has a tanned body under the baker's smock. That broke my focus.

I liked the quick move to dialogue, but then 10 more paragraphs scroll past with no more talking. A response to her question would have helped, and some other dialogue so the reader experiences the story rather than being told it. Instead, there is another 2 paragraphs of physical description. You picture paint well, but the lack of action is , frankly, boring. Too much of a good thing. You need to edit more harshly. did you fall in love with your words? Words are our children, but we must kill a few so the others have room to dance.

A wonderfully petite five feet two, she retained the girlish frame of her teens, whilst adding the slender curves of a young woman.

I may be mistaken, but at this point in the story, isn't she stil a teen, or so close this makes no sense? Even if I'm wrong, the question arises, breaking my focus.

Her breasts, a 34C,

the "a" is ungrammatical.

Full and heavy, firm and proudly upturned.

A non sentence, and seems contradictory to me- I never think of heavy full breasts as upturning. Maybe just me, but once again as reader, I stop and think instead of reading.

Her bottom is small and firm, with cheeks that have a plumpish, fleshy quality,

how can it be both " firm" and " plumpish"- do you mean " full"? And " fleshy" adds nothing- it is flesh.

Need I wonder how the suggestion of under 18 sex got past the editors? Respect the rule in future stories, please.

It was our first holiday together as man and wife. We’d been married for two months now, but because of the cost of the wedding, couldn’t afford the exotic honeymoon we’d planned. She is only 18, I’m 22, and we both came from poor families, and so we agreed it could wait.

Tense shift. A no no. Past or Present, not both in one paragraph, or here, sentence.

The place we stopped at was remote, with no one around for miles. Or so we thought. It wasn’t until Lesley was reclined on the bonnet of our car, her blouse open, breasts exposed, her jeans and pants around one ankle, and me thrusting frantically between her legs in hot pursuit of an orgasm, that we heard the Jaguar car pull alongside us.

I felt cheated here. You jumped to her being naked too fast.

The paragraph after that is a muddle. I find the word " horrified" sticks out, not sure why. You tense shift again ( " wandering"). I think the idea of eyes wandering bewtween the legs is an odd choice of language. Your use of the term " fuck off" is jarring in this context. You introduce your excitement to abruptly. And the, you are in mid-fuck, without having told us that before ( I saw her up on the bonnet in plain view, you not yet having started).

In the next paragraph , you have her bra being pushed up to expose her breasts, but , how did it get there? I thought her breasts were being sucked.

then, out of nowhere, comes her exhibitionism/flirtatiousness. I would have introduced this in the paragraph about the relationship. But, earlier, you said it was " otherwise perfect". How can that be consistent?

Then, you do wonderful dialogue. The verbal exchange is brisk and realistic. This illustrates my point about the effect of using dialogue. I learn more here than elsewhere, and get interested in the characters. One line bothered me, here though, when Les says:

“Don’t worry. I’m the one that’s gonna pin you down next time.

the shift from her fury seems abrupt.

The next section is fine.

Every now and then reaching under the table to grab my cock through my jeans and kissing my neck, whispering breathily in my ear about what she intended us to do in our room.

non sentence. I also found it out of step with the line after :

The man shouldn’t have bothered me; but he did.

quick fix- " despite this, the man watching bothered me."

Once you get into the sex scenes, you really seem to hit your stride. The dialogue flows smoothly, I found few grammar errors ( if they are there, I was too interested to notice).

The under 18 sex with Dad is inappropriate. It seems unnecessary as well.

After a while, I got the sense you were trying to squeeeze every sexual activity possible in one story. I was waiting for John to bring the donkey in. It lost realism.

You write sex and dialogue well. Next story, try less description, and a simpler plot. Use your strengths.

 

[sirhugs]

A suggestion

If you don't think I'm totally full of shit above, here's an idea. Take that great opening paragraph. Edit it harshly. Then , do a nice simple food fetish/voyeur scene. Lesley asks Richard to meet her at the bakery one morning early. It's her turn to fire up the ovens for the morning, but then there's a lull till others arrive, and the empty bakery spooks her. He complies, of course. He sees some flour on her cheek. It won't rub off, she asks him to lick it off. Sex ensues, and lasts until the boss arrives...

Try using at least 50% dialogue. If that's too hard, 30%.

 

[Pookie]

I think you did a great job with your first story. I do have a question for the forum mods about the following:

Need I wonder how the suggestion of under 18 sex got past the editors? Respect the rule in future stories, please.

"Our two-year relationship was both passionate and tempestuous. Yet only one incident marred for both of us an otherwise perfect romance. Early in our dating, I had spent a night with a girl, following a drunken party with friends. My stupid, unforgivable act of infidelity was immediately discovered by Lesley, who angrily dumped me and promptly organised a holiday in Spain with her friends. I later discovered that she had slept with one of the hotel pool attendants. It evened-up the score, I guess. But I learned my lesson. After many nights of talking, and crying, we were soon back together again, and very much in love. "

I don't personally see this as a problem. There is no description of underage sex going on. Am I to understand that even the mention of sex before age 18 is incorrect? How far are we allowed to go as authors if this is true. If I write a story and even "mention" that a character had sex before age 18 going to be a problem with violating the age 18 rule?

The under 18 sex with Dad is inappropriate. It seems unnecessary as well.

I thought it added intensity to the moment. I have a friend who has dealt with this in her life. It really hit home with me as very realistic and fell right in line with Leslie's abrupt changes. I don't see where it is inappropriate either (see my last question/comment).

Sirhugs: Not trying to be disagreeable, but I just don't see a problem with mentioning that characters had sex before age 18. If he had actually described the sex as a "sex scene", then I would agree.

Clarification from Laurel maybe???

 

[sirhugs]

The rule is simply stated, thus ambiguous:

You may not post sexually explicit pictures or stories featuring anyone under 18 years old.

I read the scenes as "featuring" Lesley under 18. Laurel has posted elsewhere interpreting this as improper. The limit on under 18 is supposed to be background , in non sexual contexts. I have seen moderators specifically warn against "trips down memory lane."

so , yes, if I'm right, saying someone had sex under 18 violates the hypocritical laws we must obety to keep Lit alive.

I agree comment from Laurel or a mod would be helpful. I confronted this issue in my incest story " Lust in the Loft". in my first draft, the cousin ran away from home at 16, which meant the narrator had sexual fantasies of her at that age, and, when i added the mention that she had sex with narrator's Dad before running away, I changed it.

I agree the reminescence about the sex with Dad filled in Lesley's motivation, but I thought it added to the " all things Lit" jumble of sex acts too much.

 

[sirhugs]

Here's what I might have done

This reflects my bias for shorter segments in posted stories, but , to accomodate pookie's point about the assist the story about dad adds to the character, i might have divided this into 5 chapters or parts as follows:

1. Up to the exhibitionism on the road.
2. the first scene with Chris, stooping before Margaret enters. Have Chris sneak out.
3. Lesley tells richard about Dad ( except it happened just after she turned 18). this excites richard. they have their best sex ever. The next night, they go back to the Anchor , hoping to meet
4. Chris. who returns to the room again. this time, Margaret and John join in.

Of course, my real part 1 would be the bakery scene

 

[Pookie]

sirhugs

Thanks for replying. I hope that there will be some clarification to this. This is not directed at you as you are just relaying the info as given to you.

To Laurel or Mods:

I can understand limiting the DESCRIPTION of sex as a "sex scene" to a certain age (18 here at Literotica). What the actual age can be is debatable, but since it is a rule, it is not debatable as far as posting goes.

Here is the rule from the FAQ:
2. No sexual activity involving underage persons will be considered. For the purposes of this site, the minimum legal age is 18.

Is what Bodie wrote a violation of this rule? There is no "sexual activity" going on with characters under 18. There is only a "recognition" that sex did occur before age 18.

Let me ask the question this way. What if the following statement was in a story:

"When she was sixteen years old, she lost her virginity when raped by an adult counselor at summer camp . This event had a traumatic affect on her life and her ability to deal with men in later years."

No other references made to this time period or the sex that occurred. The only mention is where, when, who and the affect this incident had on her life. Is this a violation of the rule? Many adult relationship problems are the result of situations that occurred to an individual before age 18. If written in the context of how it affected someone, would that not be within the intention of the rule as stated in the FAQ?

Bodie:
I truely apologize for hijacking your thread. But I thought this would definately be of interest to you as well.

 

[sirhugs]

back to bodie's story...

On the Author's hangout, as well, I think, on this forum, a lot of top guns think you can't do both a " character driven " and "lot driven " story in a short story. Bodie does both. If they are right, that is why a novel or series would give him the structure and room he needs.

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Bodie,

I'm going to have to be a bore here, and simply agree with everything that has already been said.

I read the first paragraph and thought, WOW! It really blew me away, but then the next few just had me flapping in the wind.

Don't get me wrong, you write very well, but you have simply fallen in the 'telling instead of showing' trap.

Slowly and conscientiously completing my order, she quietly responded to my friendly and teasing comments as if we were the only two people in the shop.

It's kind of funny, but something small that did draw my attention was the number of adverbs you used. Maybe I noticed this more because the wife's name was Lesley. Adverbs aren't really an author's friend. Use them only when you have to. When I was first given this advice I thought, but how can I replace these? Well when I get stuck, I go to my dictionary and check the meaning of the word, and that always helps me with a fuller description.

Ok, how about something like this perhaps?

Taking her time she took great care in completing my order . (Now here instead of 'she quietly responded'... how about showing the reader?)

Too shy to speak, she handed me my order with a coy smile.

"Nobody wraps buns like you do," I teased, fixated by her beautiful eyes.

Blushing and stifling a little giggle she lowered her lashes, but she never turned away.

*******

You get my drift now?

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day now.

Alex (fem)

Now sir hugs.

'how can it be both " firm" and " plumpish"- do you mean " full"? And " fleshy" adds nothing- it is flesh.

Aw... give me a break here, my butt is plumpish, but I still like to think it's kind of firm! Well sort of...

You have a great day too.

Alex

 

[Bodie]

Thank you guys....

A big thank you to those who took the time to read my story and respond. I'd like to reply to sirhugs first.

It is the first ever piece of fiction I've written, so I'm actually quite encouraged by the responses made here, or those sent privately. And no: I don't think you're full of shit. What you said was expressed in a fair-minded way, and I actually agreed with most of the points you made. Like I said in my first mail: I'm here to improve my writing.

To divide into chapters? I addressed my uncertainty on this in an earlier thread, in authors hangout. The responses I got there supported how I felt personally. Unlike you, I get turned-off by chapters, so went with how I felt, rightly or wrongly.

Backstory/opening: fully agree with you. I read whispers comments in another thread here (I think the 10 commandments) about drowning in backstory. I thought, "Oh shit, I'm in for it now!" When I reread my opening, I realised it could have been handled better. The same with the physical description of Lesley: I could have incorporated it into the story and filtered details in throughout. Although I did want the reader to feel, early on, the depth of adoration Richard felt for Lesley. He does cut her a lot of slack throughout, after all.

As for Lesley's physical description: I'll gladly allow the bragis to rescue me on the description of Lesley's butt. As for her breasts: I'm just describing how they looked in real life!

Tense-shift: yep, hands-up to that one.

The bonnet scene: this to me was not about the sex, hence I blasted through it. It was about how power and control is taken away from Lesley, and her response to that. Had I chapterized, then yes, I may have expanded. But I was also conscious of story length and so kept the sex functional. It's there only to serve the story: to provide the motivation for Lesley's later actions.

The shifts in Lesley's behaviour are sudden and violent. They are intended to appear so. This all accords, I hope, with what is revealed in the shower scene. I included a few pointers: her disappearance to Spain; description as a Princess or bag of cats; and ultimately, her actions in the guest house. Her reactions to Richards behaviours of infidelity on the first occasion, and imposed control (almost rape) on the second, are hopefully understandable when the reader knows why she behaves this way. She is still only 18, and so is only beginning to come to terms with the events of her childhood.

When she says she's gonna pin him down, this is meant as a sign that, at some level, a seed of revenge has been sown. And she later does pin him down, mentally if not physically. Maybe this works; maybe not.

Now, the under-18 issue. I think hugs and pookie, you are both right, for different reasons. I realise I may have misinterpreted the 18 rule. (And if Laurel or anyone else rules that scene to be inappropriate, I will of course edit it immediately.) But like you say Pookie, far from being irrelevant, I think the dad molestation is key. It is the powerful events of Lesley's childhood that help shape who she is and why she behaves as she does. I have met a few girls (professionally) who have been unfortunate enough to experience such terrible assaults, and I have seen the sad consequences.

Lesley reveals this in the shower scene. The water washes away not only the events of the night thus far, but also serves as a kind of baptism, referring to the events of her life up to that point. Only then does she begin to regain control and bring a sense of order and closure to the story. But, as importantly, she is able to do so by her own actions. She is no longer controlled, but takes control: of events, and, by entension, her own destiny. At the end of the story, she is sleeping in a foetal position, inplying a rebirth. Again, maybe this works, maybe could have been handled better. But none of this is possible without some reference to her early childhood.

Finally, on a more positive note: thanks for your encouragement on story and dialogue. To be honest, my grammar and descriptions may be clunky because I read relatively few books. My grammar check pulled out so many incomplete sentences you wouldn't believe. Or maybe you would. I submitted without any editorial advice from any third party. I did this deliberately, for obvious reasons. But I am now seeing the value of outside input!!

But my interests, and maybe my abilities, lie more with writing for films. I feel more comfortable writing dialogue, and enjoy writing those scenes. I'll see how the feedback continues.

Thanks again for your input, hugs. Please feel free to come back with any further advice.

All the best,
Bodie

 

[Bodie]

thanks bragis

Hi Alex,

Thank you so much for your reply. It was both helpful and encouraging. I didn't expect to get everything right the first time; but nor did I expect some of the positive comments I've reveived either, so thanks again.

You're right about my need to focus on editing my story closely. Or learning how to write correctly may be easier!! I've read about the novice falling into the "telling not showing" trap, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised I did the same!

As for adverbs: I just had to edit several from the last paragraph! LOL. But I'm thinking about it now, right? Your examples were both clear and helpful. I now know what I should be doing, and you'll always be there on my shoulder to remind me!

Thanks again, Alex, and you have a good day too.
Bodie

 

[Bodie]

phew, what a hornets nest!

Hi pookie,

Sheesh, what trouble did I cause? Thank you for making the points you have. If the rules on Lit are as clear as hugs feels, and I transgressed them, then so be it. It was not intentional, and I'll abide by any decisions made. I don't know who checked my story, but obviously it wasn't a problem for them.

Maybe in the rule cited by hugs, the events recalled weren't considered "sexually explicit"? I dunno. I'm not opening that can of worms again, when it seems to have quietened down. It will be ruled-on or it won't. As a newbie, I'm very happy to abide by Lit's decision on the matter.

You also made many encouraging comments in your private feedback, Pookie, which I'd like to publically thank you for here. I think we agree on the fact that Lesley's backstory events are key to this story, however expressed. Without them, her actions appear nonsensical at best, and downright mean at worst.

Like you said in your mail: just note the key themes that emerge. Aside from the age issue, certain things are emerging and I take great encouragement from them. And no, you didn't hijack my thread, silly! The issues raised here are interesting, helpful and necessary for me to consider in my future work.

Thanks again, pookie.

Have a good one,
Bodie

 

[Bodie]

thanks bragis

Sorry, reposted in error!

 

[sirhugs]

Alex (fem)

Now sir hugs.

'how can it be both " firm" and " plumpish"- do you mean " full"? And " fleshy" adds nothing- it is flesh.

Aw... give me a break here, my butt is plumpish, but I still like to think it's kind of firm! Well sort of...

You have a great day too.

Alex [/B]

got a pic, just to show, rather than tell?