My first story was just published!

[LilyWaters]

Hi everyone,

My first story on the site was just published and I am happy and excited and a bit nervous about it! Would love thoughts and feedback. It's about a shy girl at a party who ends up in a guest bedroom with a handsome stranger.

One thing I'd love to know in particular; there is the risk of being discovered by the other guests (they aren't), but it's there as an erotic charge for the characters in the story. I thought that "Erotic Couplings" was the best category for it rather than "Exhibitionist/Voyeur" because although it's part of the story, it's not the main focus - just a little icing on the cake. Is that the right call? Or is it better to include it in the other category because there are elements of exhibitionism in it?

Any feedback welcomed and appreciated.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-guest-room-3

 

[NotWise]

Hi everyone,

My first story on the site was just published and I am happy and excited and a bit nervous about it! Would love thoughts and feedback. It's about a shy girl at a party who ends up in a guest bedroom with a handsome stranger.

One thing I'd love to know in particular; there is the risk of being discovered by the other guests (they aren't), but it's there as an erotic charge for the characters in the story. I thought that "Erotic Couplings" was the best category for it rather than "Exhibitionist/Voyeur" because although it's part of the story, it's not the main focus - just a little icing on the cake. Is that the right call? Or is it better to include it in the other category because there are elements of exhibitionism in it?

Any feedback welcomed and appreciated.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-guest-room-3

My first story here had some of the same elements: sex in a guest room at a party, and a risk of exposure. I also put my story in Erotic Coupling. I wouldn't put a story in E&V unless exhibitionism or voyeurism were a main theme.

I haven't read anything but the opening of your story, so I can't really comment on content.

 

[RoperTrace]

Wow, this is an outstanding first submission. No reason to feel nervous about it. I'm happy to have left an early or maybe first comment. p.s.- I loved the fear of being discovered angle as well.

 

[astuffedshirt_perv]

It is good! 5*. EC was the right category I think. It's not really E&V. However, a few nits:
The impetus of the story is the sex-deprived super horny MC has sworn off one-night stands because 'no sex is better than bad sex'. However, throughout the party she seems to be pining for a one-night stand. To the point that the 'bad sex' she recounted would likely have been good enough sex.
Second, seems like he forgot to dispose of the condom and just zipped up. Awfully rude to just drop on Jenny's carpet Lol

 

[LilyWaters]

It is good! 5*. EC was the right category I think. It's not really E&V. However, a few nits:
The impetus of the story is the sex-deprived super horny MC has sworn off one-night stands because 'no sex is better than bad sex'. However, throughout the party she seems to be pining for a one-night stand. To the point that the 'bad sex' she recounted would likely have been good enough sex.
Second, seems like he forgot to dispose of the condom and just zipped up. Awfully rude to just drop on Jenny's carpet Lol

Ha! I wasn't sure what people would think of that detail of the used condom dangling from his fingers, so I thought I'd just discreetly leave it out - but you caught it! LOL - I should have known I couldn't get away with that.

 

[LilyWaters]

My first story here had some of the same elements: sex in a guest room at a party, and a risk of exposure. I also put my story in Erotic Coupling. I wouldn't put a story in E&V unless exhibitionism or voyeurism were a main theme.

I haven't read anything but the opening of your story, so I can't really comment on content.

Ok thank you, I'm glad to hear that. I haven't had a chance to venture that far afield on the site, so I wasn't sure. I appreciate it!

 

[LilyWaters]

Wow, this is an outstanding first submission. No reason to feel nervous about it. I'm happy to have left an early or maybe first comment. p.s.- I loved the fear of being discovered angle as well.

Oh my goodness, THANK YOU!! I really appreciate it.

 

[AMYJB1972]

I really enjoyed your story. Loved the way you put us, the reader, into the mindest of the main character. At least i can really relate to her.

It is so hard to finish and then have the courage to get it published, well done. I hope we all get to read more of your work in the future.

 

[Specula]

Hi everyone,

My first story on the site was just published and I am happy and excited and a bit nervous about it! Would love thoughts and feedback. It's about a shy girl at a party who ends up in a guest bedroom with a handsome stranger.

One thing I'd love to know in particular; there is the risk of being discovered by the other guests (they aren't), but it's there as an erotic charge for the characters in the story. I thought that "Erotic Couplings" was the best category for it rather than "Exhibitionist/Voyeur" because although it's part of the story, it's not the main focus - just a little icing on the cake. Is that the right call? Or is it better to include it in the other category because there are elements of exhibitionism in it?

Any feedback welcomed and appreciated.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-guest-room-3

congratulations, Lily!

 

[LilyWaters]

I really enjoyed your story. Loved the way you put us, the reader, into the mindest of the main character. At least i can really relate to her.

It is so hard to finish and then have the courage to get it published, well done. I hope we all get to read more of your work in the future.

Oh, thank you. That is so kind.

 

[Specula]

The story is well told and it is convincing. Good for you!

 

[Specula]

And hey, a fellow canuck!

 

[LilyWaters]

Wow, this is an outstanding first submission. No reason to feel nervous about it. I'm happy to have left an early or maybe first comment. p.s.- I loved the fear of being discovered angle as well.

I can't see your comment? I guess maybe they just take a while to appear. Nonetheless, I think it will be my first comment! *beaming*

 

[NotWise]

I can't see your comment? I guess maybe they just take a while to appear. Nonetheless, I think it will be my first comment! *beaming*

Comments have to be cleared by the site before they appear. As near as I can tell, that only happens a few times a day.

 

[LilyWaters]

And hey, a fellow canuck!

Hey hey, fellow Canuck!! Thank you so much.

 

[LilyWaters]

Comments have to be cleared by the site before they appear. As near as I can tell, that only happens a few times a day.

Oh, of course, that makes sense. Thank you.

 

[WinsomeWeb]

I just randomly happened to come across this last night actually, and I enjoyed it. I think it's very good. There's a good build-up, it's well structured, it's erotic, and it's all perfectly believable.

There aren't really a whole lot of suggestions I feel I can make, as I think it's just that well-rounded. The one thing that comes to mind though, would be offering a little bit more characterization for David. I think both Lily and David are characterized well enough--Lily as a shy and self-conscious woman, and David as confident and self-assured--but I think David could have used a finer example in his dealing with other people.

In the romancing of Lily and in the sex, we see his confidence very much on display, and I think that's well done, but I think a better sense of his confidence could have also been built up through interactions with other people before we got into the guest room. Other than Lily, we only see him explicitly interact with Jenny and the blonde (Jenny very superficially and the blonde very abstractly), and I think that could have been a good place to demonstrate his more refined self-assuredness without being "a bro".

When he enters the party and he's greeting people, I think you could have pushed the characterization a little bit further by describing what the specific things were that he did or said which made him seem "open and charming" to Lily. Other than just saying how confidently he walks into the party, how does he do it? What does his confidence look like to Lily? And this furthermore cycles back to characterizing Lily when we see what she explicitly finds charming and confident. Obviously, you can't detail every encounter or it would throw the whole pacing of the story off, but with just one or two very specific examples of how David interacts with other people at a party, I feel you could have even more strongly built up the character of this man.

But that's a very minor, niggling thing; it isn't even something that's wrong with the story, I just thought the story would have been a little stronger with a more solid character beat for David early on.

Great job, though! Best of luck to you.

 

[LilyWaters]

I just randomly happened to come across this last night actually, and I enjoyed it. I think it's very good. There's a good build-up, it's well structured, it's erotic, and it's all perfectly believable.

There aren't really a whole lot of suggestions I feel I can make, as I think it's just that well-rounded. The one thing that comes to mind though, would be offering a little bit more characterization for David. I think both Lily and David are characterized well enough--Lily as a shy and self-conscious woman, and David as confident and self-assured--but I think David could have used a finer example in his dealing with other people.

In the romancing of Lily and in the sex, we see his confidence very much on display, and I think that's well done, but I think a better sense of his confidence could have also been built up through interactions with other people before we got into the guest room. Other than Lily, we only see him explicitly interact with Jenny and the blonde (Jenny very superficially and the blonde very abstractly), and I think that could have been a good place to demonstrate his more refined self-assuredness without being "a bro".

When he enters the party and he's greeting people, I think you could have pushed the characterization a little bit further by describing what the specific things were that he did or said which made him seem "open and charming" to Lily. Other than just saying how confidently he walks into the party, how does he do it? What does his confidence look like to Lily? And this furthermore cycles back to characterizing Lily when we see what she explicitly finds charming and confident. Obviously, you can't detail every encounter or it would throw the whole pacing of the story off, but with just one or two very specific examples of how David interacts with other people at a party, I feel you could have even more strongly built up the character of this man.

But that's a very minor, niggling thing; it isn't even something that's wrong with the story, I just thought the story would have been a little stronger with a more solid character beat for David early on.

Great job, though! Best of luck to you.

Thank you SO MUCH for this thoughtful feedback. I really, really appreciate it. I was torn between adding more detail and going for less so that people could sort of superimpose their own fantasy onto David. I think what I have learned, though, from lurking around these boards for a few weeks is 1.) People appreciate more detail rather than less and 2.) Write whatever you want to write, without being overly concerned about pleasing a specific audience.

I love your idea of some specific examples of having him interact with other people; that's a perfect way to show rather than tell. I'll definitely take this advice on board for my next story. Thank you again!

 

[RoperTrace]

I can't see your comment? I guess maybe they just take a while to appear. Nonetheless, I think it will be my first comment! *beaming*

It finally showed up, thought maybe I forgot to hit the submit button.

 

[LilyWaters]

It finally showed up, thought maybe I forgot to hit the submit button.

I saw it!!! Thank you so much.

 

[AngstIgnored]

That was a fun read, I rather enjoyed it. The only issue I have with it is not the story, but the editing.

The way the dialogue is laid out in places is a little disruptive to the immersion of the reader. What I mean by that is that you sometimes have character A say something, then a response, or internal thought from B, on the same line or in the same paragraph without a break. When writing dialogue, it's very helpful to keep the actions, words and thoughts of each character separated from each other. That way, the reader doesn't have to scan back to try and figure out who is thinking, saying or doing something in response to the other character.

 

[LilyWaters]

That was a fun read, I rather enjoyed it. The only issue I have with it is not the story, but the editing.

The way the dialogue is laid out in places is a little disruptive to the immersion of the reader. What I mean by that is that you sometimes have character A say something, then a response, or internal thought from B, on the same line or in the same paragraph without a break. When writing dialogue, it's very helpful to keep the actions, words and thoughts of each character separated from each other. That way, the reader doesn't have to scan back to try and figure out who is thinking, saying or doing something in response to the other character.

Oh, thank you - I really appreciate this. I'll take a closer look at it in my next story.

 

[PBAnnie]

I just got done with it and enjoyed it very much.

5*.


I'm looking forward to what you might come up with for the "Amorous Goods" challenge.

 

[nobodyridesforfree]

Hello,
Nice flow for a short! Agree that EC is the home for this.
Sent you some critique and tips.
Can't wait to see what you have in store.

 

[Pad_Foot]

Will we get to follow them home?

Will she let him explore all the places her toys have explored ?

She has so much to share !!

Thank you