My First Story (Threesome)

[Bardsong]

My first Lit submission is now active, and I would appreciate constructive feedback. That doesn't mean that I only want positive comments, it just means that if you don't like the story please tell me why you don't like it. If you post outright abusive comments that do not contribute to the creative process, I may or may not attempt to explode your head with my mind.*

Author: Bardsong
Story: Beth's Birthday Threesome
Catetory: Group Sex

http://www.literotica.com/s/beths-birthday-threesome



*Author's Note: My attempts at psychokinetic head explosion have so far been unsuccessful. However, I am practicing every day...and do you really want to risk it?

 

[sethp]

Great story! I thoroughly enjoyed it! Thanks for posting it!

Feedback would be: There were some awkward weird paragraph breaks, like mid-sentence for one of them. The other comment would be...not to include dialogue from two people in the same sentence-paragraph? I'd always thought that was a solid rule but I could be wrong. You wrote it in a way that wasn't confusing though, so it didn't detract from the story.

 

[MaxSebastian]

I liked it, a good fun little piece with some good interplay between the characters and you have a good easy-to-read style that certainly bodes well for your future as a writer!

I particularly liked some of the humour between the characters, which I think always helps a reader to connect with them.

In terms of some constructive feedback, I would warn that the sex scenes (particularly early on) can seem a little to like merely a list of actions,. In the story as a whole, you could have breathed a little more into the feelings behind what is going on, the psychology. Particularly in a first threesome type story, you've got a prime opportunity to explore the nervous tension that must exist between the characters as boundaries are crossed and so on.

When writing speech, you're using alternatives to "said" far too often. "I interjected", "Beth Chided", "I whispered", "She whined" etc. It might seem to you that it's being imaginative, but readers are used to the word "said" in Western fiction, and so you can't really overuse it. A lot of the time, you don't need a speech modifier at all ("Fuck," I cursed). If you overdo it, it just looks like you're trawling a thesaurus and reeks of the amateurish.

Your paragraphs get a little long, in my opinion. Perhaps it's a personal thing, but it's not only much easier to read shorter paragraphs on the internet, but it is my belief that it helps keep the pace of the story going, particularly where there's a lot of action as in your sex scenes.

Just a few thoughts, but generally great - keep it up!

Max