I just had my first story posted, and I'd love some feedback on it. I'd like to keep posting more, but I'm eager to see where I can approve upon my writing. Here's the link...
The First Time
The First Time
My First Story, Seeking Feedback
- Thread starter JZL
- Start date
MaxSebastian
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2001
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- 536
Well, firstly, you can write - so there's a start - phew! Nothing more difficult than writing constructive feedback on someone with no hope whatsoever. Well, maybe auto-fellatio. But that's another story...
You can write well, you have a good voice and a style that keeps the eye flowing nicely without any major shockers (apart from, perhaps: I let out one, final yell, "AHHHHHH!!!!" My cock continues to cum while I'm lying on top of you. - lot of people don't like too much of the noises written out like that, and this sounds like your cock is some kind of separate parasitic organism attached to your groin.)
But there are some major short-comings in terms of point of view, character and plot.
Firstly, you've chosen to write in the second person here - this is going to alienate half your potential readership. Unless you've specifically written it for females, of course. Personally, I never quite get into a story that keeps telling me my pussy is oozing everywhere, I mean I just can't identify with that.
And writing in the second person allows you to fairly easily write stories without any character whatsoever. You've not created any characters here, it's just an anonymous couple. You've put enough description in so we know what's happening, but you're not using all five senses and these guys could be anyone. It could be two sumo wrestlers going at it (do they have female sumo wrestlers?) or even two pirates. Who are these guys?
There's no plot, of course, and as you'll notice, these things are all interlinked. If you hunt around for a plot, it will invariably give you a thwacking good excuse to put some relevant characters in it. It's a story, so give us some story! Not only do we not particularly care about the characters, we don't care about what happens to them because there's no plot to grab our interest early on. And from your point of view as the writer, there's nothing there to build your fan base. You want them to remember the story afterwards - at least long enough to want to read your stories in future.
So give them that spark of interest that will make them remember. Something out of the ordinary, perhaps, something to make your writing stand head-and-shoulders above the crowd.
We've all heard about the dog that bites the postman, what about a postman that goes around biting dogs? (Note: this is a metaphor, I'm not encouraging stories on bestiality).
Look around at what other writers do, both here and outside. Read and pay attention to what you're reading in this respect. There are some handy essays in the "how to" section, too.
Character and plot - get some of these, and your writing could well become something genuinely memorable.
All the best!
Max
You can write well, you have a good voice and a style that keeps the eye flowing nicely without any major shockers (apart from, perhaps: I let out one, final yell, "AHHHHHH!!!!" My cock continues to cum while I'm lying on top of you. - lot of people don't like too much of the noises written out like that, and this sounds like your cock is some kind of separate parasitic organism attached to your groin.)
But there are some major short-comings in terms of point of view, character and plot.
Firstly, you've chosen to write in the second person here - this is going to alienate half your potential readership. Unless you've specifically written it for females, of course. Personally, I never quite get into a story that keeps telling me my pussy is oozing everywhere, I mean I just can't identify with that.
And writing in the second person allows you to fairly easily write stories without any character whatsoever. You've not created any characters here, it's just an anonymous couple. You've put enough description in so we know what's happening, but you're not using all five senses and these guys could be anyone. It could be two sumo wrestlers going at it (do they have female sumo wrestlers?) or even two pirates. Who are these guys?
There's no plot, of course, and as you'll notice, these things are all interlinked. If you hunt around for a plot, it will invariably give you a thwacking good excuse to put some relevant characters in it. It's a story, so give us some story! Not only do we not particularly care about the characters, we don't care about what happens to them because there's no plot to grab our interest early on. And from your point of view as the writer, there's nothing there to build your fan base. You want them to remember the story afterwards - at least long enough to want to read your stories in future.
So give them that spark of interest that will make them remember. Something out of the ordinary, perhaps, something to make your writing stand head-and-shoulders above the crowd.
We've all heard about the dog that bites the postman, what about a postman that goes around biting dogs? (Note: this is a metaphor, I'm not encouraging stories on bestiality).
Look around at what other writers do, both here and outside. Read and pay attention to what you're reading in this respect. There are some handy essays in the "how to" section, too.
Character and plot - get some of these, and your writing could well become something genuinely memorable.
All the best!
Max
Rainbow Skin
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2002
- Posts
- 514
I agree with that. You know how to write the details of a thing, there are no illiteracies or infelicities.
But the entire characterization is He and She. Place unknown - some kind of room. The entire plot is 'They have sex'. All this covers about 90% of Literotica stories, and 99.99% if we loosen He and She to include He and He, R.O.U.S. and Wookiee, etc.
Write about something. Doesn't have to be unusual, but it has to be there. As you're submitting to Literotica rather than Lady's Home Argus there'll be sex in it, at some point. At that point in your story you describe the nipple-biting and all the rest that covers that stage. But the sex segment is no substitute for thinking of a story.
But the entire characterization is He and She. Place unknown - some kind of room. The entire plot is 'They have sex'. All this covers about 90% of Literotica stories, and 99.99% if we loosen He and She to include He and He, R.O.U.S. and Wookiee, etc.
Write about something. Doesn't have to be unusual, but it has to be there. As you're submitting to Literotica rather than Lady's Home Argus there'll be sex in it, at some point. At that point in your story you describe the nipple-biting and all the rest that covers that stage. But the sex segment is no substitute for thinking of a story.
Thank you both for your opinions and suggestions. I know you're right about the lack of a plot and a storyline, and I'll definitely work on correcting that; although writing in the second person --which is my preferred style-- does at times make that difficult. I also agree with you about the noises. I didn't like it when I originally put it in and really can't explain why I left it other than it must have been a brain fart.
There is a reason why I write in the second person. As you mentioned, I write my stories specifically for a female audience. They're intended to make any girl who reads them feel like she is the subject and the inspiration. This also explains the lack of character development and personal description, because too much of either risks painting too detailed a portrait, and thereby preventing a random female from identifying herself as the persona in the story.
Still, with all that having been said, I'm sure I can find a way to incorporate a storyline and better character development without risking the intention of the writing. Again, thank you for the suggestions. They're much appreciated.
There is a reason why I write in the second person. As you mentioned, I write my stories specifically for a female audience. They're intended to make any girl who reads them feel like she is the subject and the inspiration. This also explains the lack of character development and personal description, because too much of either risks painting too detailed a portrait, and thereby preventing a random female from identifying herself as the persona in the story.
Still, with all that having been said, I'm sure I can find a way to incorporate a storyline and better character development without risking the intention of the writing. Again, thank you for the suggestions. They're much appreciated.
the cowboy
Virgin
- Joined
- May 22, 2002
- Posts
- 5
story feedback
Like Rainbow said the majorityt of the stories on this site are with nameless, faceless entities. Do yourself and the VOTING readers a favor. PLace yourself in the story and set the stage.
I think of it as a movie and try to describe everything I can. Do that and your stories will kick ass and your ratings will reflect that.
One other thing. Your stories should live and die by your feedback. Take suggestions and comments into account every time you write a story.
Gotta run, The Cowboy
Like Rainbow said the majorityt of the stories on this site are with nameless, faceless entities. Do yourself and the VOTING readers a favor. PLace yourself in the story and set the stage.
I think of it as a movie and try to describe everything I can. Do that and your stories will kick ass and your ratings will reflect that.
One other thing. Your stories should live and die by your feedback. Take suggestions and comments into account every time you write a story.
Gotta run, The Cowboy
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