My first story -- please, be brutal

[han1911999]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=102858

As the title indicates...be as brutal as you need to, I welcome any feedback I can get. han1911999@yahoo.com is my e-mail address if you want to drop me a line.

Thanks in advance

 

[gauchecritic]

[As the title indicates...be as brutal as you need to.
Thanks in advance

Put this fucking thread on the bastard Story Feedback board.

Brutal enough?

Gauche

Seriously, you'll get more replies that way.

 

[MathGirl]

Re: Re: My first story -- please, be brutal

Put this fucking thread on the bastard Story Feedback board.
Seriously, you'll get more replies that way.

Dear Han,
I wouldn't have put it quite the way Gauchie did, but he's right.
MG

 

[jfinn]

Re: Re: My first story -- please, be brutal

Put this fucking thread on the bastard Story Feedback board.

Brutal enough?

Gauche

Seriously, you'll get more replies that way.

Oh dear, Gauche forgot the smilies again. But like MG said, he's right, all we do here is natter on about very little. The serious readers don't hang out at the Hangout, the look at the Story Feedback board for material. You did put a link up though so I took a quick look.

Have to be honest, incest really isn't my thing so as far as the plot goes I have to say I haven't read enough of this kind to give you an informed opinion. It read fast though and I didn't see any big mistakes or holes. I might suggest a little more explanation of Mike and his mom's relationship and how it got to that point (like what brought this on besides a bug bite?) but perhaps you're planning on dealing with that later.

You use a nice clean style of writing. The dialogue seemed believable and as I mentioned before the pacing was good. One thing though that I didn't care for was your opening lines.

I suppose I'll begin with a little information: My name is Mike, I'm 18 years old, about 5'10", 140 pounds, soon to be a Junior in high school, and live alone with my Mom, Linda. She is a 46 year old, about 5'9", blond (the carpet doesn't match the drapes!) woman who wears a C-cup.

Vital statistics are never very interesting, and when they're given all in a lump like that it's going to cause a lot of experienced readers to hit the back button before they get to the good stuff. It's much better to wait a bit to use description and then to show not tell. (Like your carpet line, I thought that was cute.) Also size is something that's not really necessary. How would he even know that his mom's a C-cup unless he was rooting around in her underwear drawer? Which come to think of it might be a pretty good scene.

Other than those few things it's a good start and really nice first effort. Congratulations.

Jayne

 

[gauchecritic]

Brutality

The first paragraph is full of cliches and lists. Lose it or re-write it.

"I don't see anything." I said flatly, wondering if the Simpsons was going to be a repeat or not.

Brilliant effect for non-concern.

I couldn't see any reason for the redness, no apparent bite mark or stinger anywhere. I reached out and rubbed the spot, hoping to get an idea of what caused it. As I circled the flesh with my finger tips I peeked upward, toward the thatch of hair at the junction of my mother's legs. Continuing to inspect the spot, I stole quick glances upward, but to my dismay could not make out much, even with the advantage of kneeling behind her. She could see my eyes from where we were, as there was a mirror in front of her, allowing to see me kneeling behind her. I couldn't peek for long.

This is far too complex a paragraph and needs breaking up. The sudden desire to see the bush instead of The Simpsons is too quick.

maybe it was ant

Missing word.

"At least the pain has gone away, thanks for looking at it sweetheart." With that I stood up as she dropped the hem of the towel to cover herself once again. My cock was throbbing by now

Why? Because you tried to have peek? Not enough tension or build upto merit a hard on really.

* * * I woke the next day with a hard-on

So what happened in between? Did you go to bed and touch yourself thinking of your mom? Did the incident dwell with you for most of the night? Did Marge's blue hair make you think of your mom's bush?
In the movie industry this would be a jump-cut. These are used to either confuse or jar. It doesn't work here. Don't do it again unless you mean to.

sensing the rock hard erection I was now concealing.

Sensing is a vague feeling, not something I'd associate with having a hard-on.

"It hurts just as much – it helped when you rubbed it." I was a bit confused – why couldn't she rub it herself? What the hell, I thought, I might as well take a look at it.

Oh stop it. You're lusting after your mom and she gives you a verbal cue that she is for you and it confuses you? I think not.

"Mmm...that's nice." I smiled as she

If this is your mom's remark then it looks odd because the next action is yourself smiling. Doesn't work right. Split it up.

"No problem Mom, I hate to see you in suffer."

? (Lose the 'in')

* * * It was Friday,

Look, I've already told you about jump-cuts and you've gone and done it again. (Not quite so bad this time, but still.)

program

I don't care if you are American this isn't how you spell programme.

"Good night baby." She said, leaning down to my face, and connecting her full lips to mine, but quickly pulling away, smiling and swaying out of the den. My cock was raging in my pants. I waited a half-hour and then popped in my favorite porn tape, stroking out a quick cum before going to bed myself.

I awoke at about 11.30 the next day, a Saturday.

Last warning.

I'll spare you the details of the game

You seem to be sparing the reader lots of details which we would really quite like to know and not about the game.

"The previous ones have disappeared", she smiled, "but there is a new one! Even higher on my leg!: I put on a sad face, but inside was jumping for joy,

If the exclamations are there in order to make the sentences exclaimed find another way of doing it. Maybe something like "The previous ones have disappeared", she smiled, "but there is a new one", her eyes grew bigger, "Even higher on my leg" She squeaked.

Her tits were flying around under her slip,

That must have been a sight to see. It made me laugh instead of throb.

As she came down, I took the liberty to bring my fingers up to my mouth and taste the sweetest thing ever, savoring her juices and enjoying the site of her post-orgasmic writhing.

You 'took the liberty'? After fingering your own mother to orgasm you 'took the liberty'? I suppose it is precisely correct but isn't proper here.

To be continued...Find out what is causing the red spots, and the developing relationship hits some bumps in the road.

This is my first erotic story, and would appreciate feedback. I doubt I will continue the series if I don't get some feedback – so if you want to see the next chapter, send me some comments!

My first reaction is "Fuck off" I'm sure plenty of other readers don't respond well to threats or inducements of this kind either.

Actually I quite liked the story and could see the mother as a giggly schoolgirl type mom, well into teasing. But the main thing your story lacked was exactly that: teasing. Or tension or build up.

Gauche

 

[KillerMuffin]

Ya know, if ya'll keep giving feedback here, people are going to keep asking for feedback here.

It's just one of those things. You don't tell someone to go get feedback elsewhere and then say here's some feedback anyway.

You know how baby birds are here. They demand feedback all the time, then they get out of asking for more by playing that stupid "I don't know anything about writing!" card. Blah.

Fair warning. I'm an in a seriously pissy mood and by fucking gawd I'm taking it out on someone who doesn't deserve it.

Bunch of selfish gawd damned mother fucking pricks is what they are. All they care about is taking and taking and taking. They want us to read their stories and give them feedback but fuck an A if they'll do the same. They don't care to get to know anyone on the boards as human beings. They don't even read the boards. They just care about taking and taking and taking. All they want is feedback and readers. There's no concern for anyone but themselves.

Well fuck 'em and the fuckin horse they fuckin rode in on.

YOUR STORY SUCKS YOU LOSER! <-- That is the feedback I'm planning on offering to anyone and everyone who comes to this forum and has the joss to think I seriously give a flying fuck about a two-bit hopped up selfish bastard who never gives anything in return for sated demands. I'm not even going to read stories first. Why bother? They're all the fucking same. Tab A takes Slot B in three sentences and Slot B orgasms when he bangs her cervix. Oh my fucking gawd do we just do completely away with reality or what.

YOU WANT FEEDBACK NUMBNUTZ? GIVE SOME FIRST! BE A WINNER SAY NO TO DRUGS!

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I am irate. Irate. Irate. Irate. Irate. Irate. I couldn't be more irate unless someone intentionally wounded my computer on me.

 

[Dirty Slut]

I think what Muffin is politely saying is...

In plain language, this is an author's hangout, not a reader's, or an editor's, or an agent's, or a publisher's hangout. That being the case please only post what is relevant to authors here. We have our own feedback to worry about. LOL

DS

 

[Quiet_Cool]

Ya know, if ya'll keep giving feedback here, people are going to keep asking for feedback here.

It's just one of those things. You don't tell someone to go get feedback elsewhere and then say here's some feedback anyway.

You know how baby birds are here. They demand feedback all the time, then they get out of asking for more by playing that stupid "I don't know anything about writing!" card. Blah.

Fair warning. I'm an in a seriously pissy mood and by fucking gawd I'm taking it out on someone who doesn't deserve it.

Bunch of selfish gawd damned mother fucking pricks is what they are. All they care about is taking and taking and taking. They want us to read their stories and give them feedback but fuck an A if they'll do the same. They don't care to get to know anyone on the boards as human beings. They don't even read the boards. They just care about taking and taking and taking. All they want is feedback and readers. There's no concern for anyone but themselves.

Well fuck 'em and the fuckin horse they fuckin rode in on.

YOUR STORY SUCKS YOU LOSER! <-- That is the feedback I'm planning on offering to anyone and everyone who comes to this forum and has the joss to think I seriously give a flying fuck about a two-bit hopped up selfish bastard who never gives anything in return for sated demands. I'm not even going to read stories first. Why bother? They're all the fucking same. Tab A takes Slot B in three sentences and Slot B orgasms when he bangs her cervix. Oh my fucking gawd do we just do completely away with reality or what.

YOU WANT FEEDBACK NUMBNUTZ? GIVE SOME FIRST! BE A WINNER SAY NO TO DRUGS!

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I am irate. Irate. Irate. Irate. Irate. Irate. I couldn't be more irate unless someone intentionally wounded my computer on me.

Seraphically Disinclined, huh?

No shit...

 

[Gabriel_Lee]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=102858

As the title indicates...be as brutal as you need to, I welcome any feedback I can get. han1911999@yahoo.com is my e-mail address if you want to drop me a line.

Thanks in advance

Dear Han

I'm afraid you have caught us on a bad day. Post it on the Story Feedback Board and then come back and shake hands. Don't mind KM, I think she's American.

GL

 

[MathGirl]

Wonders never cease

Seraphically Disinclined, huh?No shit...

Dear QC,
Yeah, hard to believe, isn't it?
MG

 

[gauchecritic]

Re: Re: My first story -- please, be brutal

Dear Han

Don't mind KM, I think she's American.

GL

What a marvelous excuse.

Gauche

 

[Jenny _S]

Re: Re: Re: My first story -- please, be brutal

What a marvelous excuse.

Gauche

You have to excuse we Americans, gauchecritic. We are a nation are retarded.

 

[Dirty Slut]

You have to excuse we Americans, gauchecritic. We are a nation are retarded.

We must be after all of that lend/lease crap that we never ask repayment for, eh. Oh and let us not forget the war to end all wars about two royals screwing europe into a war that we had to go over there, and finish. Or even our impudence at seeking to do things our own way around 1776 without so much as a kiss my ass like those scotish rouges did under William Wallace all over a little petty freedom issue, eh. Talk about retarded, huh.

DS

 

[gauchecritic]

We must be after all of that lend/lease crap that we never ask repayment for, eh. Oh and let us not forget the war to end all wars about two royals screwing europe into a war that we had to go over there, and finish. Or even our impudence at seeking to do things our own way around 1776 without so much as a kiss my ass like those scotish rouges did under William Wallace all over a little petty freedom issue, eh. Talk about retarded, huh.

DS

Not going there.

Gauche

 

[Gabriel_Lee]

Not going there.

Gauche

Wise. Best not to turn over too many stones. Notice how that suddenly flared up? And that was just one American striking off another. It's good that they have plenty of space. Must be difficult in cities though.

Light the blue touchpaper and run.

 

[Dirty Slut]

I apologize if my candor rankles...

But my father was sent over seas to fight for the freedom of another country that spits on his grave, his courage, his loyalty, and our honor without any reply from us. It wasn't our freedom he was fighting for, but theirs. I guess freedom doesn't mean as much to others as it does to us though. End apology.

DS.

 

[Gabriel_Lee]

No need to apologize, DS. No need.

The wheel of the world turns for us all.

GL

 

[oggbashan]

Re: I apologize if my candor rankles...

But my father was sent over seas to fight for the freedom of another country that spits on his grave, his courage, his loyalty, and our honor without any reply from us. It wasn't our freedom he was fighting for, but theirs. I guess freedom doesn't mean as much to others as it does to us though. End apology.

DS.

I think that it was freedom not just for England, and Europe, but for the world he fought for. That fight still continues.

Many of us in this country value and appreciate the sacrifice of the US, Canada, USSR, Australia, New Zealand and the other allies who fought WW1, WW2, Korea and other wars. The UK is still fighting beside the US.

Og

 

[TheEarl]

We must be after all of that lend/lease crap that we never ask repayment for, eh. Oh and let us not forget the war to end all wars about two royals screwing europe into a war that we had to go over there, and finish. Or even our impudence at seeking to do things our own way around 1776 without so much as a kiss my ass like those scotish rouges did under William Wallace all over a little petty freedom issue, eh. Talk about retarded, huh.

DS

I suppose England has a lot to thank America for. Like the usury during WW1 when the USA took advantage of England's war to bankrupt the British Empire. And then used that financial leverage to screw with English foreign policy. Like when England and France were two hours away from solving a crisis in the gulf over the Suez canal and the USA screwed our economy over. Or when the US tried to give the British soil of Hong Kong to Chiang Kai Chek without even asking. Or when the US refused to support us against Argentina in the Falklands.

And let's not forget the endless boasting about 'rescuing us in two world wars' when the USA had minimal involvement in both. The first was fought mostly by British, Canadian and ANZAC troops and the second was unquestionably won by the Russians.

In fact, as allies, America has landed England in more shit than any other country. So I wouldn't be too quick to brag about how great you are to us.

[/pet peeve]

The Earl

 

[Quiet_Cool]

Re: Re: Re: Re: My first story -- please, be brutal

You have to excuse we Americans, gauchecritic. We are a nation are retarded.

It's true. We are all thankful to be part of the McJob program. I'll be the first to confess. I intentionally drool on everyone's fries...

 

[oggbashan]

I suppose England has a lot to thank America for. Like the usury during WW1 when the USA took advantage of England's war to bankrupt the British Empire. And then used that financial leverage to screw with English foreign policy. Like when England and France were two hours away from solving a crisis in the gulf over the Suez canal and the USA screwed our economy over. Or when the US tried to give the British soil of Hong Kong to Chiang Kai Chek without even asking. Or when the US refused to support us against Argentina in the Falklands.

And let's not forget the endless boasting about 'rescuing us in two world wars' when the USA had minimal involvement in both. The first was fought mostly by British, Canadian and ANZAC troops and the second was unquestionably won by the Russians.

In fact, as allies, America has landed England in more shit than any other country. So I wouldn't be too quick to brag about how great you are to us.

[/pet peeve]

The Earl

I can't agree with The Earl on this.

WW1 was not "England's War".

Suez: Britain and France tried to screw the US into supporting them and were upset when they didn't. It was a disaster of our own making.

Falklands: US support was too obvious to everyone else but the UK.

WW1: If the US hadn't taken part the war wouldn't have ended for years. Germany only sought the armistice because they knew that many more US armies were on the way.

WWII: The US fought in Europe and the Pacific: The Russians had nothing to do with the Pacific war until the last few weeks. The last British only battle of WWII was El Alamein. Everything after that including Sicily, Italy, Southern France and D-Day would have been impossible without the US. East Anglia is full of memorials to the US airmen who died bombing Germany.

The Pacific War was a hard fought campaign with tremendous losses. But for the atomic bombs the defeat of Japan would have cost Britain and the US and their allies hundreds of thousands of lives.

This country owes its existence to the sacrifice of its Allies including the US. Western Europe owes its freedoms to the Allies including the US. China and the Far East owes as much to the US as Western Europe does.

Og

 

[TheEarl]

I can't agree with The Earl on this.

WW1 was not "England's War".

Suez: Britain and France tried to screw the US into supporting them and were upset when they didn't. It was a disaster of our own making.

Falklands: US support was too obvious to everyone else but the UK.

WW1: If the US hadn't taken part the war wouldn't have ended for years. Germany only sought the armistice because they knew that many more US armies were on the way.

WWII: The US fought in Europe and the Pacific: The Russians had nothing to do with the Pacific war until the last few weeks. The last British only battle of WWII was El Alamein. Everything after that including Sicily, Italy, Southern France and D-Day would have been impossible without the US. East Anglia is full of memorials to the US airmen who died bombing Germany.

The Pacific War was a hard fought campaign with tremendous losses. But for the atomic bombs the defeat of Japan would have cost Britain and the US and their allies hundreds of thousands of lives.

This country owes its existence to the sacrifice of its Allies including the US. Western Europe owes its freedoms to the Allies including the US. China and the Far East owes as much to the US as Western Europe does.

Og

Suez: France and England were two hours away from Russian supported Cairo when the USA decided to side with the Russians and called in their loans, crashing both the pound and the franc. It was made abundantly clear that unless they pulled back, the USA would crash their economies permanently and bankrupt them by insisting on immediate repayment.

Falklands: The best we got out of the US was non-involvement. Their peace plan was for a gradual move to joint suzerity over the islands and they offered this deal to Argentina without asking England.

Germany folded in WW1, because the English and French troops had broken through the German trench lines and were advancing on German soil. The German government ordered the German navy to leave from Kiel and attack the British fleet. The German navy took one look at the British fleet and mutinied. A British blockade of the port caused starvation, fuelling the rebellion and bringing down the German government. American soldiers only actually reached the front line in 1918 and arrived to help push forward the break rather than create it. I wouldn't call that saving our arses.

WW2: The Americans fought in the Pacific bravely yes and Japan would not have been taken without America. But the intimation is that the USA came over here and saved us. The legions diverted to the Russian front and the defences of Stalingrad, Leningrad and Moscow actually saved us; if Germany had taken just one of those cities, then no amount of US troops would have helped.

Interesting note: Out of the 18 beaches in D-day, the US were allocated only two, both of which they failed to take on time. They missed artillery positions with their airstrike, refused the offer of British amphibious tanks which would have been able to take out machine gun nests and required the help of the British army to take one of thsoe beaches. Don't believe Saving Private Ryan.

I am certainly not saying that the US did not help at all and I'm certainly not saying that they didn't have a huge influence. But the insinuation that they 'saved our arses' and that we should be grateful to them for how nice they are to us sticks in my throat.

The Earl

 

[Guest]

revisionist history is so painful

Earl-

Your age is showing, dear. What you have posted is revisionist history.

I didn't respond to your first post because I just didn't see the need. Your second post goes too far. My great uncle was at D-Day and the Battle of the Bulge. He came back a shattered man who never recovered himself.

b

 

[TheEarl]

BK: I'm not posting revisionist history at all: this is all factually correct. I am sorry that your uncle was in either of those battles, but it actually has nothing to do with my point.

The USA fought these wars, they played a hefty part in them, yes. But it annoys me when people talk about the USA as though they were the be all and end all of the world. Without them we probably would have lost WW2 and maybe WW1, they were finely balanced as it was. But to speak as though England was 'saved' by the USA and talk of how we should be 'grateful' to a country that has a long history of fucking us over vis-a-vis foreign policy galls me.

The Earl

 

[cahab]

Britain Vs. America

Can we just not, please?