My First Story, Part 2

[Jack_D_79]

Part one can be found here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=427260

Any feedback would be welcome!

Sheila slowly slipped her hands inside my shorts and gripped the base of my cock with her thumb and forefinger while weighing my balls with her free fingers. She let out an almost primal sigh, and then took her hand out. She stood up and sat on the heavy oak coffee table directly in front of me. Her legs were now wide open, and I could see her beautiful shaven cunt. She removed her robe and sat there, totally naked.

Only now did I appreciate what a sexy lady she was. Enormous breasts (which I later discovered to be 36FF) which only sagged slightly - not bad for a 45 year old mother of 3, a roundish belly, and a face that had wickedness all over it.

"Jack," she said, "I want you to use me, treat me like a slut. Can you do that?"

Like I was going to refuse.

"So first, a treat for you." she said.

And with that one hand moved down to her cunt and she began to finger fuck herself, while her other hand roamed over her breasts, occasionally bringing her enormous dark nipples up to her mouth for her to suck on. This was too much.

Within a minute my cock was out and in my hand, while I masturbated furiously. It was no good, if this carried on I was going to cum without even having laid a finger on her. I decided to do what she wanted. I took control.

"Stop." I said abruptly. She did as I said. "Kneel in front of me, and suck my cock."

Obediently, she got on her knees and without any preamble, swallowed me whole, gagging on my cock as she did. I looked down and saw that she was still fingering her wet cunt. Almost without warning she removed her mouth from my cock and beckoned me to slide forward slightly. I did so, wondering what she had in mind. I spread my legs a bit more and within seconds her tongue was flicking around my anus. This was too much for her it seemed. She began to orgasm violently but she kept her tongue inside my arsehole as she did. Once her orgasm had subsided she sank to the floor.

She wasn't getting away with it that easily.

I picked her up and told her to ride me there on the sofa. She did as she was told, legs still quivering after her orgasm. She slid down on to my cock and began to ride me slowly, her beautiful tits in my face, my hands reaching round and gripping her chubby arse. Without warning I spanked her. Very hard. She squealed in delight. Interesting...

I told her to get off and to bend over the end of the sofa. How I hadn't cum by now was a miracle, but I was about to change that. I entered her from behind and fucked her roughly, pulling her hair back and spanking that big arse. She was crying out in delight and she wanted more. I decided to chance my arm and gently inserted a finger into her arse. She groaned in delight and begged for my cock to replace my finger. I was happy to oblige.

I slid my cock into her inviting arse and proceeded to fuck it for all I was worth, spanking her at the same time.

"I'm your whore Jack, fuck me hard, treat me like a slut" She said in between moans of pleasure as she orgasmed time and again. I had never been with a woman who had cum so many times when being fucked. I loved it.

That kind of talk almost did for me. I could feel my balls tighten and had to pull out

I wanted to cum over her massive tits, and wanted her to cum as I did so.

I pushed her on to her back and told her to finger her cunt. As she did I began to finger her arse, first one finger, then two, then a third. As I did this she was licking my balls, covered in her own juices. I began to wank my cock, as I squatted over her face so she could take my balls into her mouth and suck on them. She then repeated her earlier trick, and began to tongue fuck my anus. That pushed me over the edge and My cock exploded, cum going all over her enormous tits. She screamed with pleasure as she too hit orgasm.

I collapsed beside her she she first licked her tits, then her fingers and then my now aching cock clean.

I looked at the time.

"Fucking hell, its one 1am."

"The night is still young." She said with an exaggerated mock innocence.

"And I'm here for another 3 days." Came my reply.

"Well, I have a window in my schedule if you do." Sheila whispered.

I didn't need to check my diary.

To be continued....

 

[starscape]

Hi Jack,

I read what you pasted below, but not Ch. 01, so my comments should be taken with that in mind. Also, as a fairly new writer of erotica, I am far from an expert, so I offer my impressions for what it's worth.

Upon first read, I did not see tons of mechanical errors. You varied your sentence length for variety, which made it flow pretty nicely, and your grammar was good overall. As a reader this is important to me, because when a story is poorly constructed it greatly interferes with my enjoyment. I did see a few areas which need a little work.

First, your punctuation, particularly when writing dialogue, is inconsistent. For example, what you wrote here is correct:

"Jack," she said, "I want you to use me, treat me like a slut. Can you do that?"

But then you switch to:

"So first, a treat for you." she said.

"I'm your whore Jack, fuck me hard, treat me like a slut" She said in between moans of pleasure as she orgasmed time and again. I had never been with a woman who had cum so many times when being fucked. I loved it.

When dialogue is structured this way, there should be a comma rather than a period before the closing quotation mark and the dialogue tag:

"So first, a treat for you," she said.

"I'm your whore Jack, fuck me hard, treat me like a slut," she said in between moans of pleasure as she orgasmed time and again.

There are more but you get the idea.

Another thing I noticed is that you started a lot of paragraphs with "I" or "I'm", which got a little repetitious. Try to vary your sentences a bit. For example:

I slid my cock into her inviting arse and proceeded to fuck it for all I was worth, spanking her at the same time.

I pushed her on to her back and told her to finger her cunt.

could be changed to:

Sliding my cock into her inviting arse, I proceeded to fuck it for all I was worth, spanking her at the same time.

Pushing her onto her back, I told her to finger her cunt.

I found this sentence awkwardly worded:

I collapsed beside her she she first licked her tits, then her fingers and then my now aching cock clean.

It could be rewritten something like:

Collapsing beside her, I watched while she licked her tits and fingers clean before doing the same to my now-aching cock.

There are a few other minor items, but these stuck out the most for me.

Okay, now that we have the mechanics out of the way, on to the story.

The first thing I noticed is that you must read the first chapter in order to understand who these people are and why they are fucking. It was a bit jarring to me as a reader that there was absolutely no setup. If an author wants me to read the other chapters of their story, they need to hook me in, entice me, with what I'm reading now; personally, I don't like being "told" I must start at the beginning in order for the action to make any sort of sense.

What you have going for you is that this chapter is quite short, so perhaps others won't mind clicking back and starting with the first. For me, diving in like this right off the bat makes it very difficult to become aroused. I need at least a little bit of seduction, even if it's only a couple of paragraphs.

Then I reached the second paragraph:

Enormous breasts (which I later discovered to be 36FF) which only sagged slightly

Bra size tells me virtually nothing, and I'm a woman. It would have been better for me as a reader had you described her enormous breasts. Are they heavy and swinging? What color is her skin? How are they shaped? Describe her nipples. What color are they? Are they as big as saucers? Are they hard, and if so, do they protrude? A number of these things mean "enormous", they are just a bit more specific. Make us see her. Based on what I read, I could not picture her in my mind except as a cartoonishly top-heavy figure who is otherwise featureless.

My second issue is with the whole notion of her massive mammaries "only sagging slightly". Ahem. No woman with breasts that size is going to have "slightly sagging" breasts! I don't care if she's 18 years old; breasts that huge are fucking heavy and the laws of gravity dictate they are gonna hang! I understand this is a fantasy, but to my mind there has to be some degree of plausibility here.

As far as the action itself, for me it read a bit like a playbook rather than a sex scene. "I did this. Then I did this. She did this, and then she did this."

How did he feel with his cock between her lips? Was her mouth warm, hot, wet? How did it feel when her tongue teased the sensitive head of his cock? How did her tongue feel as it explored his asshole? How did it feel as he slowly stretched her tight, reluctant hole wide to accommodate his cock? What did she do in response? Did she tremble as he worked his way in, her skin flushed and damp with sweat? What did she say? How did her pussy smell? What did her skin taste like? I know you didn't say this stuff, but I wish you had!

Remember, we have five senses; use them. I think this is especially important in a story this short, because you don't have a lot of space to make an impact. I'm afraid I didn't find it particularly arousing. I didn't care about the characters (and I'm not saying "like them" or anything like that; I just didn't know who the hell they were and why they were fucking and why she wanted to be dominated.). I couldn't put myself in their position, but I didn't feel like a voyeur either. This scene didn't come alive for me, and since it is a stroke story I think that's the whole point. If you want people to become aroused or masturbate when reading your story they need, IMO, to believe the fantasy, or at least picture it in their head. But then maybe that's just me.

You do some things quite well. For the most part, your grammar is pretty good, which puts you ahead of a lot of people! Nothing makes me back click faster than a bunch of spelling and grammar errors and poorly-constructed sentences; I spend too much time editing the piece in my head to enjoy it as a reader.

To me, your narrator had a voice. He seemed to have a sense of humor, a cheekiness, if you will. I would have liked to see a bit more of his personality. Sheila, on the other hand, was much more ambiguous for me.

I also thought your ending was pretty good. You mentioned he was there for three days and it made me wonder why he was there. Was he on vacation? A business trip? Did he know this woman before, or is she someone he just met? It also promised more was to come, and I don't mean by the "to be continued" tag. I just wish you would have given me a little something like this at the beginning to give me a reason to keep reading.

All right. That's enough. I think this critique is longer than your story!

Good luck to you, and keep writing!