My first story on Literotica

[Kurtuk_Caddington]

Its called Another Blond, and it has a really low score!
I'd like to understand people's thoughts on it; could readers please comment here?

Thank you

Kurtuk Caddington

 

[Chicklet]

Some Thoughts

Okay, I didn't read your whole story because my head hurts. I will try to remember to come back and look through it later, alright? Here are a couple thoughts I had on it, though.

A lot of times when I open a story, especially a first story by an author I've never seen, I just skim through it. The lines that catch my eye are always the dialogue - if I get into the dialogue, I read the whole story.

Your dialogue is plentiful, but has a few glitches:

“Oh Hiii Cindi!” She sang-out.

I understand that you're trying to write like people talk. This woman, ms henderson, is dragging out the word, but it doesn't work. I try the simple rule of writing things out how they're supposed to be written, and then in the text part explaining how she or he said it.

Then, sang-out. The hyphen doesn't need to be there. "Sang out" is just fine.

I skimmed through your whole story, and if I had come across it on the regular pages I probably wouldn't have bothered voting, let alone giving it a low score. Change the dialogue and I'll look at it again.

Chicklet

 

[Kurtuk_Caddington]

Thank you

 

[Hotcappucino]

Just to start off, the word "blond" is used for males and "blonde" for females when referring to either the person or the hair color.

One reason for your low scores, in my opinion, is the very bad punctuation. In almost every paragraph there is some sort of mistake, usually an incorrect usage of commas. There are also quite a few capitalization errors and many places where you split compound words in two.

As far as commas go, you put them in places where they don't belong and omit them from places where they do, making for very difficult reading. Here are a few examples:

“Yes, right in the city; I can’t take the subway home change, and come back.” I flushed again, not knowing why I put it like that. She and Steven had cars, and lived right in the city. My ears felt hot, blood rushing the lobes, the large heavy ear hoops Steven liked so much, burning as they brushed my cheeks.

should be

“Yes, right in the city; I can’t take the subway home, change, and come back.” I flushed again, not knowing why I put it like that. She and Steven had cars and lived right in the city. My ears felt hot, blood rushing to the lobes, the large heavy ear hoops Steven liked so much burning as they brushed my cheeks.

“Oh don’t worry about that, Cindi --you are looking wonderful!” She smiled again, almost helpfully, showing her perfect white teeth. The pearls on her neck, rested delicately on her collar bones.

should be

“Oh don’t worry about that, Cindi, you look wonderful!” She smiled again, showing her perfect white teeth. The pearls on her neck rested delicately on her collar bones.

“Oh thank you Ms. Henderson.” I stopped not knowing how to go on; God Steven had dumped her only two weeks before, after that big fight they had in his office, and here I was almost giggling with her in the rest-room, as I primped for my third date with him.

Should be:

“Oh, thank you, Ms. Henderson.” I stopped, not knowing how to go on; God, Steven had dumped her only two weeks before, after that big fight they had in his office, and here I was almost giggling with her in the restroom as I primped for my third date with him.

As a first step, I would strongly encourage you to go back and reread your story several times until you catch and correct all of the punctuation errors. Then I'd work on your phrasing. The storyline is very good -- I enjoyed the twist at the end -- but the bad punctuation and phrasing is getting in the way.

 

[Kurtuk_Caddington]

Thanks again. Is that it?
I thought readers would seen through the comas! I'll try to repost it, after someone corrects them for me. I can't, as it turns out -- it isn't laziness.

Sorry to have bothered you all, but thank you both for replying.

 

[Chicklet]

Sorry to have bothered you all, but thank you both for replying.

Bothered me? I have 8000+ votes here on lit...responding to queries/requests like this is practically my full time job = )