My first story... Non erotic

[Blkhearted1]

First Story Here

Any feedback would be appreciated. It's a non erotic story <waits for the gaps to die down> but, I am hoping someone will give it a read anyway.

Thank you!

~Blkhearted1~

 

[Octavian]

Feedback as requested

blkhearted1

I am not sure this story will attract that much attention here on Literotica which is a shame because it is a touching little tale. I benefited from reading it twice and it is short enough to do so.

It was IMHO very well written although there were a couple of typos, 'excepting' when you meant 'accepting' is an example.

The opening sentences are good but I don't think you got the most out of them.

She sat, quietly watching the flower fairies open the early morning flowers. There was no rush to their work, no sense of distress. They exuded from their very beings the total confidence that everything would go as planned.

I might have written it like so:

She sat there quietly watching the flower fairies opening the early morning flowers. (It was an ongoing task so you want the action to be continuous) They were busy but there was no sense of urgency about them. (I don't think you actually meant 'distress'.) On the contrary they exuded a calmness, a calmness that was derived from their confidence that everything always went according to plan.

This is only my opinion blkhearted 1 and feel free to disagree with it if you want.
Hope it helps

Octavian

 

[Blkhearted1]

Re: Feedback as requested

blkhearted1
This is only my opinion blkhearted 1 and feel free to disagree with it if you want.
Hope it helps

Octavian

Octavian,
Thank you so much for giving your feedback! I should have spent more time proof reading it. At times my mind knows what I mean but my fingers completely misunderstand!
Not sure if you can edit after you submit a story but, I will see what I can do.
I am glad you enjoyed it!

Again, thank you.

 

[hiddenself]

I actually liked the idea. A lot! And the way you told it. It was clean and relatively tight, and had a good measure of mystery.

As Octavian mentioned, it would benefit from better editing. I would add the need to tighten up some of the descriptions and the melodramatic flare.

For example, 400 layoffs is a lot for a single person to handle face-to-face. I don't think it's done that way in practice. And it has to be a huge company. That's not the impression I got from reading between the lines. The story would work equally well with 5 layoffs.

Then, the guy barging in and shooting her is kinda Hollywood (= bad, in my book). Might she not have been depressed (at least, that't the impression that I get from the early paragraphs) and decide to kill herself after the layoffs?

I did not get a good sense of what the man's connection with her was. His strong emotional reactions seemed unexplained and exaggerated at times ("He had a special job, and he owed it all to her. As hot tears..." He was so moved because he had a "special job"? What kind of job? No emotional desire?) His character was a little too undeveloped.

Overall, good but not perfect, but quite enjoyable.

hs

 

[Octavian]

The man's connection

hiddenself

When you read it twice it becomes clear.
The man is a male flower fairy. He is watching her watching the other fairies. (I can't believe I am writing this!)

Octavian
Who is not a fairy!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Well, I read the story before I read the feedbacka nd I didn't know what the hell was going on. She's watching fairies, some guy follows her somewhere because her job is more interesting than his. Some "she" (Carol? Her secretary?) fires a bunch of people and does a good job. Some guy comes in and shoots her. Someone planted flowers for someoine.

Okay, that's a little reductio ad absurdum, but not quite. The story's very confusing, very dense, and most of all, very internal; very subjective. And because it's so dubjective, we're never sure what's actually going on and what's just internal imagining like the fairies.

It's another show-us don't tell-us thing. We're told everything that happens. We're shown very little, and what we are shown is lacking detail and focus so it gets lost in the subjectivity.

Really, the first time through I thought she was imagining the guy with the gun. I still don't know if he was the "he" from the start of the story or an employee or what. I guess he's a flower fairy? Huh?

This would be hard to pull off in any case I think. Telling stories tends to make them sound like fairy tales after a while, and I think that's what you were aiming for. But it makes the story very fuzzy and unclear, at least to me. I'm still not sure what happened.

---dr.M.

 

[honeysucklerose]

Once I sifted through who was who as much as I could I was able to enjoy it a bit more. I liked the story though it could be improved. The faeries make it surreal (this is ok with me) and her stalker is certainly mysterious. The end is a sad twist but such darkness can bring us back to reality in a startling way. I was expecting him to approach her. I like surprizes.

It was a short story (which I tend to like) but it could use a little more clarity as to who was talking to her and where he is coming from. I thought it was him talking to her at first.

I could have used a bit more set-up as to her job and was kind of curious about just who he was as well. I agree firing 400 people face to face is a bit improbable. I think most firms would send out a letter.

Technically --

Too many commas. Break it up into sentences, make it flow or use a semi-colon.

Overall it was a little hard to read but I did read it twice because I liked the flavor enough to try and figure out what exactly the taste was.

I'm still not quite sure whether it was bitter or sweet.

 

[Blkhearted1]

Everyone, I thank you!!!

I realize it was a bit on the vague side, which is what I was going for... but, apparently I wen to far.

I agree about the number of employees (though, I have lived through it being done), I had a lower number orginally and someone suggested that one... <beats friend about the head and shoulders>. I will be lowering it.

As for the technical <,> I will take out some of the commas.

I am very happy that most of you felt it was good enough to go through twice (I need to work on the once read through with the same response!) to figure out the blurry parts.

I went out to dinner and 118 people had read it, I just came back to find the number had jumped up to 196... Must be the weekend!

I have another, NON erotic story I am thinking of putting up, I believe this time, I will run it by this board BEFORE I post it!

I really appreciate you all taking the time to jot down how you felt.

Bright Blessings!