Thefraserman
Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 28, 2002
- Posts
- 44
My first story needs a critique, and/or improvement ideas
- Thread starter Thefraserman
- Start date
the_bragis
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2002
- Posts
- 389
You got feedback...
Hi Thefraserman,
Oh boy! Isn't this just the way every red-blooded male would love to make a quick fifty bucks?
It's a hot little story, pure fantasy of course ... ~little giggle~
This is what I noted as I read:
Your introduction wasn't necessary. Minors shouldn't be viewing this site at all. Most of the stories here are fictional, and if they are not, then it's good to note it.
Sandy Taylor awoke from a deep sleep. It was 7:30 AM on a Saturday morning when she realised that she had the day off.
Purists would say, don't use numbers. i.e. It was seven thirty Saturday morning...
Sandy was a 5 foot 7 Brunette, skinny, with measurements of 36-24-38DD
'Skinny' ain't sexy, and 38DD sounds kind of sterile. How about: Sandy was a very slim brunette, with full ripe breasts... lovely big tits... hot knockers, or something similar? Your story has a hot and raunchy feel about it, you want to keep that running all though it.
As she always slept naked, she got out of bed and jumped into the shower.
This felt kind of awkward to me. How about: She climbed out of bed, and stepped straight into the shower, undressing was unnecessary. She always sleep naked.
Feeling the water stimulate her nipples into an erect state, she moaned slightly and pinched each one. Removing the showerhead...
Oh yes! Yes! It's not just the shower that gets hot and steamy from here!
She washed her hair, and got out. As she began to dry her hair, the phone rang.
Be careful not to repeat yourself. She washed her hair, and got out. As she began to dry it, the phone rang.
she thought to herself
I used to do this all the time, until someone pointed out to me that thoughts are always to one's self.
I’m horny, and I need your services.
Arrr... Music to everyman's ears.
rubber friend
I kind of like that one, I hope you won't mind if I use it myself sometime?
No, I’m in control here. She shoved Dave to the floor, he loved that, and sat on his cock a little bit, then slammed herself down fully. Sandy rode him like a wild stallion, up and down, for what seemed like eternity. Eternal pleasure for the both of them.
I'm sorry, but I had a few problems with this paragraph. 'No, I'm in control here', I think should have been in inverted comas. 'Sat on on his cock a little bit...', is weak, I would have appreciated a much stronger and colourful description of what was going on here. Sweaty bouncy tits, wet warm pussies, hard throbbing cocks, etc. You get the idea? Sandy rode him like a wild stallion? Sandy is a female.
Those are my thoughts. Please bear in mind I am not an expert or an editor, these are just my personal opinions.
I enjoyed your story, and I wish you all the best with your future literary efforts.
Have a great day now,
Alex (fem)
Hi Thefraserman,
Oh boy! Isn't this just the way every red-blooded male would love to make a quick fifty bucks?
It's a hot little story, pure fantasy of course ... ~little giggle~
This is what I noted as I read:
Your introduction wasn't necessary. Minors shouldn't be viewing this site at all. Most of the stories here are fictional, and if they are not, then it's good to note it.
Sandy Taylor awoke from a deep sleep. It was 7:30 AM on a Saturday morning when she realised that she had the day off.
Purists would say, don't use numbers. i.e. It was seven thirty Saturday morning...
Sandy was a 5 foot 7 Brunette, skinny, with measurements of 36-24-38DD
'Skinny' ain't sexy, and 38DD sounds kind of sterile. How about: Sandy was a very slim brunette, with full ripe breasts... lovely big tits... hot knockers, or something similar? Your story has a hot and raunchy feel about it, you want to keep that running all though it.
As she always slept naked, she got out of bed and jumped into the shower.
This felt kind of awkward to me. How about: She climbed out of bed, and stepped straight into the shower, undressing was unnecessary. She always sleep naked.
Feeling the water stimulate her nipples into an erect state, she moaned slightly and pinched each one. Removing the showerhead...
Oh yes! Yes! It's not just the shower that gets hot and steamy from here!
She washed her hair, and got out. As she began to dry her hair, the phone rang.
Be careful not to repeat yourself. She washed her hair, and got out. As she began to dry it, the phone rang.
she thought to herself
I used to do this all the time, until someone pointed out to me that thoughts are always to one's self.
I’m horny, and I need your services.
Arrr... Music to everyman's ears.
rubber friend
I kind of like that one, I hope you won't mind if I use it myself sometime?
No, I’m in control here. She shoved Dave to the floor, he loved that, and sat on his cock a little bit, then slammed herself down fully. Sandy rode him like a wild stallion, up and down, for what seemed like eternity. Eternal pleasure for the both of them.
I'm sorry, but I had a few problems with this paragraph. 'No, I'm in control here', I think should have been in inverted comas. 'Sat on on his cock a little bit...', is weak, I would have appreciated a much stronger and colourful description of what was going on here. Sweaty bouncy tits, wet warm pussies, hard throbbing cocks, etc. You get the idea? Sandy rode him like a wild stallion? Sandy is a female.
Those are my thoughts. Please bear in mind I am not an expert or an editor, these are just my personal opinions.
I enjoyed your story, and I wish you all the best with your future literary efforts.
Have a great day now,
Alex (fem)
Last edited:
Thefraserman
Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 28, 2002
- Posts
- 44
Thanks!
Thank you for the response!
Since it was my first story I ever completed,(I've started a few but they never got finished for various reasons) the majority of the errors in grammar, and the like get fixed, but the few I over looked, thank you for pointing them out.
For my next few stories I will get it checked out word for word sentence by sentence.
Thanks again!
Thank you for the response!
Since it was my first story I ever completed,(I've started a few but they never got finished for various reasons) the majority of the errors in grammar, and the like get fixed, but the few I over looked, thank you for pointing them out.
For my next few stories I will get it checked out word for word sentence by sentence.
Thanks again!
