My first story - need feedback and editor

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Aug 7, 2006
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This is my first story that I'd like to post to Lit in "Erotic Couplings". I'd like some feedback, comments, suggestions, etc. The inspiration for it came from a friend stuck on a plane that was delayed, and emailed a request to me to send some erotica to pass the time.

FLIGHT DELAY (just a working title)

You’re sitting at the airport bar, drink in hand, when you hear the click of high heels pass behind you. You turn slightly following the sound, and see an attractive woman in red stiletto pumps, a black leather miniskirt, and a black silk halter top. Her legs are at least a mile long, shapely….a vision of them wrapping around your waist as you bury yourself in her suddenly appears vividly in your mind. You look away, but keep her in your peripheral vision as she sits on a bar chair a few feet away and orders a martini. You watch her breasts rise and fall as she sighs---she takes a sip of drink, sighs again. Her nipples are showing thru the fabric; you rub your fingertips together unconsciously, thinking about how they’d feel, and the way you’d play with them, turning them into hard pebbles of arousal before sucking and licking them, how they’d taste…..you find your boxer briefs are getting uncomfortable, and you shift your position to hide the growing bulge. Your eyes slowly travel up and down those legs, and as you look up again, you discover she’s on to you….she has a small smile on her face…..busted! She tilts her head to the side a little, and says “Your flight delayed too?” You nod. She gets up (her skirt slides up a little more, revealing even more expanse of silky thigh, before falling back down as she stands up) and she moves to a seat closer to you. She sits down, and you notice that her halter top is slit down the front…as she sits and turns slightly to face you, you can catch a glimpse of her cleavage and the side of her breast – confirming no bra under the halter. After the usual name exchange, small talk of the flight delay and decided inconvenience, and another round of drinks……every time she’s shifted her position, you’ve been rewarded by tantalizing flashes of thigh as her skirt rides higher, and the side of each breast as her silky top slides against her skin, and a bonus of hardening nipples (thank god for overhead air conditioning vents and the friction of fabric on skin). You idly wonder if she’s doing it on purpose, but find you don’t care if she is….you’ve got nothing to lose while waiting for your flight, and this sure beats the gate waiting area for scenery.

You’re both a bit drunk by now……she looks you in the eye and says “By chance, do you know where the restrooms are?” You point down a narrow hallway. “They’re a good distance down there.” She excuses herself and walks down the hallway towards the ladies…..you finish your drink, and order another round for the 2 of you…..after some time, when she hasn’t returned, you need to make your own stop……..you walk down the same hallway (it leads to the men’s room as well), and as you pass the ladies’ room door, it opens, and a hand reaches out and grabs your arm and pulls you through. You’re so surprised you don’t react right away, making it easy for her to get you in the room with her and shut and lock the door behind you. She leans against you, pressing you against the door with her body…..her head tilts and her lips slowly approach yours…..you’re no fool, and you put your hands in her hair and pull her to you, kissing her hard. She breaks the kiss first, and breathing heavily, she says “I want you….now.” Her hands reach for your pants, unbuckling the belt, unbuttoning and unzipping your fly….her hand slides inside and you feel her hand on your raging erection. She takes it in her hand and slowly and firmly strokes it….easing your pants and briefs down….she sinks to her knees in front of you and with a look up into your eyes, reaches out with her tongue and flicks the swollen head……her tongue is hot, wet, a little rough, and feels so damn good as she proceeds to use it……..well. Her hand is stroking your shaft as she licks up and down; and just when you think you’ll go crazy, she opens her lips and slides her mouth around you….you just about lose it right then, but a firm squeeze from her hand slows things down for you. Oh god, her mouth feels so good, her tongue running along the underside as she sucks on it. She looks up into your eyes as her head travels up and down; she’s enjoying this almost as much as you are.

You’re close, so close, when she slowly slides her mouth up, swirls her tongue around the head, and takes her mouth off with a smile. Without saying a word or taking her hand from your erection, she gets to her feet and turns sideways. You raise her skirt and pull the seat of her damp panties to the side. Sliding a finger between the lips, you feel her heat and wetness; you run your finger along the folds and slip it into her….she grabs your finger with her muscles, thigh parting to allow your hand freer access. “Fuck me – now” she says. She braces her hands on the sink as you turn her so she’s facing away from you, and bend her over. Holding her hips, you thrust into her – she’s so wet it’s easy – and as she pushes back, you sink to the hilt inside her tightness…..wet, hot, and oh so tight….she begins to move herself along your cock, you slide one hand up and through the slit in her halter to cup her breast and tease her nipple as you slide in and out….she’s squeezing you as she pushes back onto you. Her legs part more and she arches her back so she can better fuck you; and you put one hand on her breast to keep fingering her hard nipple and one hand on her waist right above her hips and thrust harder into her. Sliding in and out, her hips pushing back to meet your thrusts, grinding a little as you sink to the hilt and hold it there for a quick moment. Both of you are panting, trying to keep quiet as you fuck, your balls hitting her clit as you thrust in and out rapidly, the impending orgasm building between the 2 of you. Suddenly she throws her head back even more, and your mutual groans grow long and guttural as the mutual orgasm begins, with a few final deep thrusts you unload inside her as her orgasmic spasms grab and squeeze around you, milking your juices from you as hers gush around you. A few moments later, you separate, and adjust your clothing back to its proper appearance. She gives you a slow kiss on the cheek, and opens the door. You both take a quick look down the hall (the coast is clear!) and ease out of the ladies room, down the hall to the bar. She gives you a small satisfied smile, turns and walks to the bar to take a large sip of her waiting martini. She gives a small “mmm” as she sets the glass down and walks away towards the far end of the terminal. You smile, shake your head in semi-disbelief, finish your own drink and walk towards the opposite terminal to check the board for flight updates.
©dakotadenise47
 
I started to read this and, I'm sorry, but I gave up for two reasons. Firstly because it's written in the second person so I immediately felt as if I shouldn't be reading it (it reads as if it's destined for someone else) and secondly because of the size of the paragraphs.

If it were mine I would re-write it like this:

Sitting at the airport bar with a measure of Scotch in hand, I heard the provocative click of high heels pass behind me. Unable to ignore the sound, I turned slightly and saw an attractive woman in red stiletto pumps, a black leather miniskirt and a black silk halter top pass by.

It was her legs that drew me to her. They were long and shapely and I had a sudden vision of them wrapped around my waist as I buried myself in her beautiful body. Conscious of my blatant stare, I looked away, but kept her in my peripheral vision as she took a seat on a bar chair a few feet away and ordered a martini. I couldn't help but watch her breasts rise and fall, the nipples showing through the fabric, the way she sighed heavily as she sipped her drink.

Covertly glancing at her, I rubbed my fingertips together, imagining the feel of her hard nipples, wanting to play with them before sucking and licking them, wondering how they would taste...

The arousal made my boxers suddenly uncomfortable and I shifted my position to hide the growing bulge. My eyes slowly traveled up and down those legs, and as I glanced at her again, I realised she was on to me, a small smile playing about her face.

“Your flight delayed too?”

I nodded and watched as she stood (that skirt sliding up and revealing even more expanse of silky thigh) and took a seat nearer to me.

Up closer, I noticed that her halter top was slit down the front and as she sat and turned to face me I caught a glimpse of her cleavage and the side of her breasts, confirming that she wore no bra.

We exchanged names and small talk of the flight delay, the inconvenience softened by another round of drinks. Every time she shifted her position I was rewarded by tantalizing flashes of thigh as her skirt rode higher. The silky halter slid smoothly against her skin, exposing the sides of her breasts, and the fierce air-conditioning and friction of the material all contributed to the hardenng of her nipples.

I idly wondered if she was doing it on purpose, but found that I didn't care either way - I had nothing to lose while waiting for the flight, and this sure
beat the scenery at the boarding gate.



Don't forget this is just my view and it can easily be adapted back to present tense. It would be nice to have some background of your character too, such as why he's at the airport, where he's going...


Hope this helped,
janiexx
 
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I agree with a lot of what janiexx said. The story seemed a little short to me, and the paragraphs were a bit long. speaking from past experience, the powers that be at Literotica are a lot less likely to reject your story if your paragraphs are shorter. The paragraphs in my first story were really long too, and I had to re-write it before they accepted it. Also I would have liked to see some more character development as well. I'm also not a big fan of second person stories. They're ok, but I prefer a first or third person perspective. Still I know that a lot of other people enjoy that kind of perspective, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Still, I did like the story a lot, so keep writing. You definately have a real style, and I thought the descriptions were really good.

trombonus
 
Those are some good points. Note that you have a number of huge, long sentences and a couple of run-on sentences. Also you need to learn how to punctuate for quotations - that's an error you make consistantly. I believe KillerMuffin has a really good article in the Writers Resource Forum that will help you. Finally, you use the elypsis (is that spelled right) consistantly with FOUR dots not THREE.

So much for the technical writing part. The other part of this is that, I never really know who these people are. You need to do some character development so the reader can identify with your major players. He saw her sit at a bar chair and saw her boobs raise and fall as she breathed isn't reall character development. It's like your characters are in the background, so to speak. Your characters are DISCRIBED. Let them talk and tell the reader who they are, how they think. Do they have an accent? Where's she going? Where's she coming from? These same questions should be answered for him too.

Hope this helps. You have a good start. Now you need to go back an rewrite this and make it great. You can do it. And if you need help, just pm me. I don't bite. <wink>

JJ:kiss:
 
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