My first story is published - YAY!!!!

[SweetNatasha]

Hello all,

I am very excited that my first story has been published! It's an exhib story about a couple's sexy day at the beach.

Any feedback or thoughts would be very greatly appreciated.

Thanks everyone!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=501240

Natasha

 

[WarmNwet]

Well done!

Got my juices flowing! Thank you!

 

[pellso27]

now you can post some naughty pics

 

[cajun764]

a very sexy story.....

 

[cumaholic21]

great story

 

[harding]

Excellent

Just read the story, and have to say for a first submission here it's excellent.

But you have been writing a while, yeah?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Sweet Natasha, a great stroke story; doubly so for being your debut. You deserve the score you’ve got and the great comments. I hope you write another piece soon. From the comments here already, I think you have a fan club.

IMHO, you should resist pleas to write a sequel. This was neatly encapsulated and had a full story arc. The temptation to write a barbecue follow-up would take something from the infectious joy of this story. No reason not to have a barbecue story, but a stand-alone story might be better.

Others may disagree, but I wasn’t keen on the frequent switches of POV between Kim and Martin. This is clearly Kim’s adventure and Martin is more a catalyst than a protagonist. Rather than Martin thinking;

Nevertheless, it was that quality itself that drove Martin to wish he could see Kim with her guard down and looking slutty and wanton.

It might be even more erotic if you turned it around so Kim knew what Martin was thinking but, despite wanting to get her clothes off, felt constrained. Gives you a chance to make the bikini top episode more tense, and others.

I think you should consider the structure of the story a tad more to decide whose ego/id is driving the narrative. Kim is a strong enough protag to carry the story without needing Martin’s thoughts.

You’re not brilliant with punctuation and overlong paragraphs, but that’s minor stuff.

In a story like this, why not let Martin get his points across in dialogue rather than direct POV. Here Kim is clearly the star of the show.

It’s not often a woman writes a great female voyeur story but I think you have.


Bestest, Elle

 

[SweetNatasha]

Just read the story, and have to say for a first submission here it's excellent.

But you have been writing a while, yeah?

Yes I have, sooner or later it's what I want to do professionally.

Thanks for the comments

 

[SweetNatasha]

Thanks everyone for the great feedback it really is appreciated.

Elle, thanks for the awesome feedback. I am absolutely crap with grammar unfortunately, I just really don't get it, it's a problem I've had all of my life, I struggled so much with it at school

If anyone has suggestions for a thin, I stress thin, book on grammar I would be eternally grateful!

In my mind this story is complete, as you say it has a full arc. I've gotten a lot of suggestions for what should happen next, but I don't think I could make Kim believable in a group sex scenario - if only because it's what I think she would do. Maybe I will get some inspiration for a sequel, but for now I have other stories to tell with other characters which I am working on.

Thanks for the comments on POV and protagonyst/catalyst, you've really got me thinking there. Does anyone else have thoughts on it?

The switching POV is kind of experimental for me, and in this story I really wanted to explore the isolation between the two characters and the different ways they think about the same situation.

Tasha

 

[PacoFear]

Tasha,

If you're looking for grammar advice AND thin, I think it's tough to beat the classic Strunk & White Elements of Style. You can pick one up on Amazon for about US $10.

-PF

 

[SweetNatasha]

Awesome! It's on the way

 

[CinnamonNYI]

Great story..... cant wait to see more work from you Thanks for sharing

 

[bashfullyshameless]

Rock On With Your Bad Self

Natasha,

This story rocks. You are an EXCELLENT writer and I would absolutely love to see more of your stuff here.

I would agree with Elfin that you could potentially do a bit better with commas and in breaking up the paragraphs, but you're really not very bad on either point at all. I wouldn't have really considered grammatical mechanics had someone else not brought it up. Yes, there are issues. No, they don't really detract from enjoying the story.

With breaking up the paragraphs -- sometimes they just come out big & that's just the way it goes. However, when you find one getting that big, consider if there's any point in the paragraph where things shift over to a slightly different idea, or if perhaps you could *create* that shift for the purposes of splitting up the paragraph. Alternately, you've got dual viewpoints here; you could probably work in a shift in viewpoint in order to bust up those paragraphs.

The one thing that didn't work for me was Martin waking up Kim the way he did and then not *immediately* finding a way to explain himself. He may have felt inhibited about that, but if he was that certain he had to make such a dick move, he realistically would've been in a real focused hurry to explain & apologize. It was a bit of a stretch for me that Kim blew it off as quickly as she did. Just seemed kind of juvenile on the face of it; Martin wasn't being a dick, and was in fact being caring/thoughtful, but I wasn't sure Kim could really know that.

Positives: Holy shit, you really know how to paint a picture with words, particularly regarding someone's body. I wish I could do this so well. I found myself leering like a total pervert at Kim in my own imagination, and that's entirely your fault.

These characters are entirely likable, and that's really important in developing a reader's investment in the story. The fact that they're so fascinated with one another is endearing and exciting. Any guy would want a lover as indulgent as Kim, and it's really nice to see that Martin's generally considerate & looking out for her even while he's swept away by his own lusty thoughts. I adore erotica that has genuinely loving characters; cheater stories have their place, but I really love the stuff that manages to be hot without anyone really getting hurt.

You do well with scenery while still moving the action/plot along. You pace very well. Leaving ambiguity to what the other guys saw was totally the right choice.

Thoughts/Suggestions: Just how tight are the two? The one thing I didn't really feel established was just how solid a couple they are. Is it a relatively new relationship? Is it true love, or just dating with good history? Clearly they've been together a little while, but knowing where they stand makes for better context.

You will likely get a lot of suggestions. (Kim should hook up with the other guys while Martin watches! Kim should dump him for the other two guys together! Martin should sleep with his mom! Martin's incestuous mother should turn out to be a WEREWOLF!) Run with them if you like them, but do NOT feel pressured. You've got GREAT instincts. Go with those first.

Thank you for sharing!

 

[bashfullyshameless]

Also, on PoV.: It's totally up to you. The main trick is to make sure you can keep clear for the reader who they're following at a given time if you're going to shift around. Any given choice here can work out fine. My only suggestion is that you pick one for a given story and stick with it.

I thought the shift between the two here really worked, because it helped establish trust in each character for the *reader*. Having a single PoV would've potentially left me wondering about the non-PoV character's motives. That's a fine story choice, too, but I'm kind of glad I saw both sides here.

 

[SweetNatasha]

Thanks bashfully for the really detailed feedback, not to mention how enthusiastucally positive it was. I LIKE the idea of an incestuous wereworlf story! LOL

Thanks for the POV feedback - I've been thinking about it, and I am really glad that it's been commented on. I could have easily started to use it too much in future stories, but for this story I think my insticts were right. For me at least, in this story, each character's story is slightly different. I can see how it would be annoying in other stories though, so I will be careful if/when I use the technique again.

So you feel that dropping something in like, "... in the few months since they'd met ..." would have improved the story? I tend to try to leave anything out which isn't necessary, on the priniciple that it restricts the imagination of the reader; and I actually feel that this is one of those points - they are new enough that Martin is shy about sharing, but strong enough that he can do it, and connected enough that Kim wants to do it for him. There are so many variables there that I wouldn't want to put a date on it. I think that people may never be tight enough in their relationship to do that and some could be there very quickly. Is there another way to establish this kind of context?

These characters have very much grown real to me writing the story and there are things that they won't do, regardless of what I want to write - I don't think they are into group sex, so if there is a barbecue story that's not where it will go. It will be up to them. Weird, I know. But that's okay, I know I am

Let me just thank you again for the awesome feedback

 

[FSUBasketball]

SweetNatasha:
Really enjoyed the story. Great creativity and imagination in the story. Loved it and look forward to more from you.