My first story is now up!!.. :)

[Zaudika]

Hey all, my first story just got posted, would love to hear some feedback on it. The link is below. =) Thanks.

Called, "Waiting By The Front Door"... I know the title is a bit lacking, but I couldn't think of any great ideas. =) It's a Dom/sub sexual relationship story.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=64967

 

[kristydoll]

Hi,

I always enjoy bdsm stories - even the tame ones *grins*

The "story" is nice, and with some tightening up, can be better. I noticed a lot of very long sentences that could have been broken up to make for easier reading.

Good job though for a first story - keep writing!

kristy

 

[the_bragis]

Hi Zaudika,

Yes, like kristydoll, I enjoy reading bdsm stories too. This is what I noted as I read yours:

It's a lovely idea for a story. It typifies the the loving side of a D/s relationship.

Yes, there are some extra long sentences there.

He had called about 30 minutes ago, informing her that he would be home soon and instead of her usual greeting, he wanted her naked, kneeling with her head down, hands clasped in front of her, when he returned home.

This is H O T hot, and it's a good opener, but like kristy says, it needs tightening.

He had called 30 minutes ago, informing her that he would be home soon. Instead of her usual greeting, he wanted her naked, kneeling, and with her hands clasped in front of her.

I would drop 'about' because I think bdsm stories have a better feel if they are sharp and precise I think it works better cut into two sentences also, and I cut a few 'extra' words out too. He would be home soon, is enough, her returned home just doubles up. I spotted a few sentences like this.

She watched out of the corner of her eye as the door swung open and he stepped ...


You have a lot of 'she's, try to break them down. Especially try not to begin too many sentences with 'she', as it can become repetitious.

Watching out of the corner of her eye, the door swung open and he stepped ...

“Look at me...” He said it in a stern voice, but softly.

“Look at me,” he said in a stern but soft voice. (Always use a comma after dialog.)

He had punished her severely ..

Details please.

“Undress me.”

This is simple and powerful! I like it!

'Site of him', should be 'sight'.

Continuing to suck, she pressed her tongue that was pierced against the underside of his cock so that her barbell rubbed consistently along the underside while she moved.

You know I've heard that a tongue stud is a hell of a turn on too, but try this:

Continuing to suck, she pressed her pierced tongue against his cock, the barbell rubbing consistently along the underside as she moved.

“I’m going to fix us some dinner,

A dom who cooks! Now this is my kind of man!

Overall this is a good little story.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex (fem)

Stories by Alex and Bragi

 

[Zaudika]

Thank you both, and to those who also do for the help and compliments on the story.
Alex - you're comments and thoughts were greatly helpful!!.. Thank you.. I wanted to make a few comments in answer to some of the things you said. First off, I like the ideas you gave for shortening the sentences. (yes, the barbell seems to be something they like a great deal, lol) ...... second, I was just going to mention that part of this story is taken from life experience. The Dom that cooks, it was pretty great. He's a chef outside of the home, and loves cooking. It was definitely always a benefit.
Thanks again to all,
Zaudika

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Great story. Again as already stated I only found a few typos and long sentences. Other than that a great read.
Wicked


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