my first story id appreciate some feedback

averyswild71

Virgin
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Feb 25, 2003
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Mandy:Dirty little rape bitch
as mandy sits alone in the big houe her first night of babysitting she feels a chill go down her spine when the phone rings.she hesitates but eventually answers it. she lets out a sigh of refief when she hears mrs roper on the other line calling to check if the kids are in bed.
mandy starts to relax when she suddenly hears a loud knock at the door 15 min after the call.but when she gets to the door nobody is there and as she turns to go back to the living room 2 large men are standing in the hallway wearing black masks.mandy is so frightened she opens her mouth to cry out but no sound emerges from her throat.the men close in on her so fast she doesnt comprehend the situation she is in.the larger man slaps her hard across the face knocking her to the ground while the other man grabs her hair wrapping it around his hand and drags her to the master bedroom. the larger man continues to slap her face and tell her shes going to pay for being a teasing slut as she begins to sob. the men seem to enjoy her plight so she tries to keep her fear to herself. the larger man whom the other refers to as mike pulls out this enourmous cock and comands
she open her mouth wide . mike then shoves his cock all the way in her mouth and comands she keep her mouth wide open so he can fuck her tight throat while the other man who is called tony holds mandy by her hair and pushes her head down on mikes cock. mandy can feel herself choking on mikes cock as its rammed over n over into her throat by tony. tony then pulls her off mikes cock and tells her to stroke it and beg him to fuck her mouth. mandy begs please fuck my mouth so tony shoves her face back on mikes cock as mike says take it all you snobby slut.
tony throws mandy onto the bed on her back with her head hanging over the edge and bends her in half so her feet are on his shoulders leaving her panty clad pussy totally exposed. tony pulls his cock out n says open up you filthy whore and shoves his cock so far into her mouth that his balls are resting on her face. mike climbs onto the bed standing over mandys pussy n begins to rip her panties off. then mike begins to slap her pussy so hard that mandy jumps.tony moans everytime mike slaps making mandys throat tighten around his cock as he says suck it bitch. mike then notices mandys pussy is getting wet. he says i just have to have some of this. as mike squats over mandys pussy tony cheers him on saying fuck the teasing whore give her what she wants. mike then slams his huge cock into mandys tight pussy causing mandy to scream onto tonys pussy the muffled sounds of her screaming and the tightening of her thorat are too much for tony as he yells swallow it bitch n cums deep in her throat. he leaves his cock in her mouth as she gags on his cum and tries to scream as mike tears her pussy up. finally after what seems like forever mike pulls his cock out and cums all over mandys face and they get up and leave her there full of cum . as they walk out the front door mrs roper is there and she asks if they got it on tape. they said they did and accepted her money and says as always a pleasure working for you mrs roper.
by Averys wild
 
Okay, I kinda skimmed over it, and here's what I found:

Sloppy punctuation and sloppy capitalization. There are some spelling gaffes--"refief" in the third sentence comes to mind--and there's even sloppy SPACEBAR use.

Yeah, I know it's your first story. Yeah, I know you're not a "serious" writer. Yeah, I know this isn't an "official" website. But honestly. If you can't be bothered to make your story READABLE, why should we bother to READ it? :(
 
Thats funny

That other reviewer of your story was a sourpuss i think. I thought it was very poor writing and shit, but the whole thing was funny: the plot, and the way you write, in the present tense and just the way you say things. Your bad writing is funny, basically. "The bigger of the two guys who the other referred to as chris" it's like a fucking police report. At one time you say that mandy is choking on tonys pussy too. I mean, I'm still laughing like a motherfucker just from reading all that stupid shit. "Mike fukcs her for what seems like forever" That's funny too. You have too much shit to learn to ever be totally respected at this, and you probably wont even turn people on because they'll be laughing too hard, but that's your thing, writing violent rape stories with very little skill. It's the funniest thing I've seen all day.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 
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