My first story, how bout some feedback?
- Thread starter xcoyote21
- Start date
Trudy_Antone
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 13, 2009
- Posts
- 278
xcoyote, you have to post a link or no-one can read it.
elfin_odalisque
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2004
- Posts
- 10,056
Despite what people say, I am really a nice person when you get to know me. Here's the link:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=447290
I'll go away and have a look while I've got a bit of time.
Welcome.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=447290
I'll go away and have a look while I've got a bit of time.
Welcome.
Last edited:
Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2009
- Posts
- 24,514
Feedback left.
This story has promise to be better if all the information wasnt crammed so tightly. Sorry to be brutal but I have to be honest.
_Lynn_
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2006
- Posts
- 49,494
I started to read it, but quit around the descriptions of the sister and mom.
Describing them isn't about their stats. Lose the height/weight/bra size/measurements/etc, and paint of picture of them.
The repetition of "I" beginnings for sentences becomes boring. Mix up words, rearrange sentences, put the reader into that scene.
Spell out the numbers.
Nothing in the first dozen paragraphs grabbed me to make me want to read more.
Describing them isn't about their stats. Lose the height/weight/bra size/measurements/etc, and paint of picture of them.
The repetition of "I" beginnings for sentences becomes boring. Mix up words, rearrange sentences, put the reader into that scene.
Spell out the numbers.
Nothing in the first dozen paragraphs grabbed me to make me want to read more.
BoundIncubus
Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2009
- Posts
- 67
Couch Fun with Mom -- Wrong Word
Evening,
Was just browsing through your stories and, while reading "Couch Fun with Mom", noticed the following sentence:
"So here's the scene....me in the living room lying on the couch. The only light shining in the room was from the kitchen, which was being me. Mom at the top of the stairs wanting to show off a new outfit. Can I get any more lucky than this? "
I think you meant "behind me" on that one.
On a non-related note, I'm impressed you used the correct version of "lie". We tend to use "laying" in colloquial speech, but "lying" is correct when referring to the act of resting.
Overall, your stories aren't bad, from what I've read, they just need a bit more descriptive elements; however, the way the short sentences paint the picture make them stand out pretty vividly. Keep up the good work.
Evening,
Was just browsing through your stories and, while reading "Couch Fun with Mom", noticed the following sentence:
"So here's the scene....me in the living room lying on the couch. The only light shining in the room was from the kitchen, which was being me. Mom at the top of the stairs wanting to show off a new outfit. Can I get any more lucky than this? "
I think you meant "behind me" on that one.
On a non-related note, I'm impressed you used the correct version of "lie". We tend to use "laying" in colloquial speech, but "lying" is correct when referring to the act of resting.
Overall, your stories aren't bad, from what I've read, they just need a bit more descriptive elements; however, the way the short sentences paint the picture make them stand out pretty vividly. Keep up the good work.
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