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My First Story Has been approved :)

Sweetpeeee

Sweetpeeee

Really Really Experienced
Joined
Sep 28, 2005
Posts
354
im really excited! already had two emails with really positive comments :D
 
rgraham666 said:
Congratulations, Sweetpeee.

It's a great feeling, isn't it?
Click to expand...


thank you and yeah it is :D

and thank you cloudy :D


i would love everyone's comment...good or bad
 
Very good first story. I haven't read any erotic stories in a long time. This one was a very refreshing reintroduction. This particular line really stirs:

Beth screams and pants with lust as Jake thrusts into her, right to the hilt.

That last little bit, right to the hlit, is an excellent image. I thought you had a great concept. Two voyers meeting up, shy at first from their mutual enjoyment. Accustomed to watching, not participating, then later becoming the exhibtionists. You set the mood up very nicely and accurately describe a very good shower scene. I say accurately because with all the tension you created, neither of them would have lasted very long. You had some wonderful imagery that really carried the story and allows for an excellent read.

It definately provides room for a finite finish. Either this story can continue, or another one can begin. I can see a sequal easily to this. I could even see you expanding this idea further. Allow the couple to mutually watch, as is their passion, another couple in a voyer's scenario while pleasing one another, then break that mold and fully embrace the exhibitionist aspect. You showed both glimpes in this story and I think both aspects can be solidified into two main stories.

The narative seems to favor Beth in the beginning of the story, shift to an almost nuetral aspect towards the middle, and then at the end Jake seems to be the focus. it's not a bad transition, but could it be more effective if only one character seems to be carrying the focus?

This is towards the end of your story:
He slips inside her, allowing her weight to press against him, driving him deep. He spins her around so her back is pressed against the outer wall, fucking her hard as the world watches.


How did Beth feel when he slipped inside of her? I know it may seem implied (obviously) showing Beth's reaction to this action draws a little bit more focus and empathy towards her. She becomes more relatable.

Beth melted into her wanton desire as Jake slipped inside of her. Allowing her weight to press against him, driving him deep, she drifted away into thoughts of pure delight and ecstacy. Her beating heart pounds furiously as she is spun around, back pressed against the outer wall. Beth smiles with a quiet delight knowing that the world is watching as she's being fucked.


I'm often times wordy, but I'm trying to show that her reactions can increase the pleasure of both the character, and the reader. It's all an opinion mind you. One you can take or leave. You don't even know me and have every right to quickly dismiss. That's just my two cents.

It was a great first story and very arousing. I'll admit that I should have read it here at school. Everytime I think I can read one of these stories objectively, I get thrust into the middle of hot, steamy action.
 
rikaaim said:
Very good first story. I haven't read any erotic stories in a long time. This one was a very refreshing reintroduction. This particular line really stirs:

Beth screams and pants with lust as Jake thrusts into her, right to the hilt.

That last little bit, right to the hlit, is an excellent image. I thought you had a great concept. Two voyers meeting up, shy at first from their mutual enjoyment. Accustomed to watching, not participating, then later becoming the exhibtionists. You set the mood up very nicely and accurately describe a very good shower scene. I say accurately because with all the tension you created, neither of them would have lasted very long. You had some wonderful imagery that really carried the story and allows for an excellent read.

It definately provides room for a finite finish. Either this story can continue, or another one can begin. I can see a sequal easily to this. I could even see you expanding this idea further. Allow the couple to mutually watch, as is their passion, another couple in a voyer's scenario while pleasing one another, then break that mold and fully embrace the exhibitionist aspect. You showed both glimpes in this story and I think both aspects can be solidified into two main stories.

The narative seems to favor Beth in the beginning of the story, shift to an almost nuetral aspect towards the middle, and then at the end Jake seems to be the focus. it's not a bad transition, but could it be more effective if only one character seems to be carrying the focus?

This is towards the end of your story:
He slips inside her, allowing her weight to press against him, driving him deep. He spins her around so her back is pressed against the outer wall, fucking her hard as the world watches.


How did Beth feel when he slipped inside of her? I know it may seem implied (obviously) showing Beth's reaction to this action draws a little bit more focus and empathy towards her. She becomes more relatable.

Beth melted into her wanton desire as Jake slipped inside of her. Allowing her weight to press against him, driving him deep, she drifted away into thoughts of pure delight and ecstacy. Her beating heart pounds furiously as she is spun around, back pressed against the outer wall. Beth smiles with a quiet delight knowing that the world is watching as she's being fucked.


I'm often times wordy, but I'm trying to show that her reactions can increase the pleasure of both the character, and the reader. It's all an opinion mind you. One you can take or leave. You don't even know me and have every right to quickly dismiss. That's just my two cents.

It was a great first story and very arousing. I'll admit that I should have read it here at school. Everytime I think I can read one of these stories objectively, I get thrust into the middle of hot, steamy action.
Click to expand...


well thank you for your comment and ideas...honestly i do appreciate everyone's comment whether they enjoyed it or not....i am not easily offended because i dont take myself seriously enough to let it bother me...but i find peoples comments interesting...so thank you :D
 
The story - Good, The ending should be more in line with the beginning, Beth's wistful glances on the life of the city.

The sex -- Just fine. not too gross, not too tame.

The grammar/spelling - pretty good, if not perfect. (stop using the word 'that')

My recommendation - keep writing.
 
kbate said:
The story - Good, The ending should be more in line with the beginning, Beth's wistful glances on the life of the city.

The sex -- Just fine. not too gross, not too tame.

The grammar/spelling - pretty good, if not perfect. (stop using the word 'that')

My recommendation - keep writing.
Click to expand...


thank you...although i should point out the story isnt actually over...that is just the first part ;) ...thank you for taking the time to comment...i really do appreciate your input :D
 
Another virginity lost. :nana:

Congrats sweetpeee.

I'll try to give it a read on the weekend.
 
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