My first story - feedback?

[HerFavouriteFool]

A friend of mine suggested that I give this a go, so I did! Would love to hear any feedback.

https://literotica.com/s/the-look-she-gave-me

 

[darwin1859]

You're a good writer. If this had been my cup of tea, I'd probably have enjoyed it. Some people want a long story with character development and plot, but I think there's a considerable audience for short pieces. Any feedback I could give would be about minor issues. Here's a mixture of praise and small suggestions:

• Some writers use narration too much. You narrate quite a bit but I thought you struck a good balance.
• I didn't see why you needed to affect an accent? Or whatever this was: "What dya need", he asked...
• Tags are important for many reasons, including signaling the kinks you will use. You have tags and I guess you picked some good ones. I might have added 'femdom'
• I would have used italics for the text message; although I just use a fairly standard dialog but with the sender in front, like this: Olivia: "Could you come up, please. I need something."
• But I also try to make it resemble informally punctuated text messages; so more like: Olivia: "could you come up please... i need something"
• Which brings us to my final point, I'm not sure why you didn't give them names. It didn't matter in this single scene with two characters, but after I noticed I was a little annoyed at the abstractness.