my first story...and yes this is only part 1

[green-eyed-angel]

I would love any feedback on my first story. I want to inform all you readers that I AM working on a part 2. Please feel free to let me know how you like; in addition if you have a suggestion on what you want to see in the next story I would welcome suggestions. Please note though I may or may nor use them but will take the suggestions and consider each. Thanks.

 

[HornyHenry]

Hi, Angel, and welcome

I read your story and enjoyed it.
It did leave me hanging a little, with the sudden ending. I think you should have finished it and included the whole night as one story, not two.

I liked the tension and anticipation. I wish I could make a woman masturbate from thinking about me. Maybe I have, who knows?

On the negative side, you need many more commas and periods, and your dashes are in the wrong places. And you misspelled breath as breathe at least twice. Please read and edit your stories and see how they sound just as they are written, not as they are in your head. This will make them much more enjoyable.

I liked your writing and it is good, overall. There are several good essays in the story writing help section that would help you improve. And, continue to read the forums and the stories and emulate the positive points of the better writers.

One more big problem!
Please include a link to your story or stories, either as a URL or hyperlink in your SIG line. This is especially important since they don't include the quick link to "STORIES" at the bottom of each forum page like they used to.
Manu, are you listening?
Here's the link to your story:
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=188580

 

[msboy8]

Thanks for the link HH.

Good first story. I Read, Voted and Commented on it. Thanks and keep writing.

 

[green-eyed-angel]

Chapter 2 is done and submitted

Chapter has just been submitted...hope you all enjoy this chapter...let's hust say i had a fun time writing this one and chapter 3 is almost done.

 

[spyro1123]

I read the first one and found it a little hard to follow. Not that i didnt understand it but some of your sentences were a little over complicated. It is a problem i have all the time when i write, i think the only solution is to go through and read it and try to see if there is a simpler way to say something that still coveys the same meaning.

Once she had given herself a pleasurable orgasm she would open her eyes to find herself all alone, like all the other nights previously. As she sighed, a tear trickled down her cheek. She rolled over to hug her pillow; she wondered who he really was, what he was really like, and everything about him. Thinking of such a mysterious man she found herself aroused again.

this is how i would edit it

Once she had a pleasurable orgasm, she would open her eyes to find herself all alone, just like every other night. As she sighed, a tear trickled down her cheek. She rolled over to hug her pillow, wondering who he was, what he was like, and everything about him. Thinking of her mysterious man she found herself aroused again.
We know from context that she is masturbating, so the whole "had given herself" isnt needed. The two 'all's at the end of that sentence seemed clumsy as i read it, as did the 'previously'. I dont think you really need all these reallys so i got rid of them. I also made the mystery man hers, since he is her fantacy at this point.

A lot of that is sylistic, and its the kind of thing i will rely on my editor heavily for, and then sometimes i will tell him to go to hell. It is good to have a variety of legnths and complexitys of sentences, dont go overboard with them.

The other thing you could use is to go through, and every time you see an adjective or adverb ask yourself if it drives the story forward or if it is just fluff.

As for plot i thought it was very nice, although we do spend so much time in her thoughts I sometimes have trouble telling what is actually going on at any one point.