My first story: A Summer Too Brief

[shevyone]

Hi All:

I am so excited. My first story has been posted. Have already received some positive feedback. Would love hearing from others as to what thy feel. Be frank, please. Tell me what you like , and what you find really bad...
Ciaio
Shevyone

 

[da_cats_pjs]

Hi All:

I am so excited. My first story has been posted. Have already received some positive feedback. Would love hearing from others as to what thy feel. Be frank, please. Tell me what you like , and what you find really bad...
Ciaio
Shevyone

Hi Shevyone,

I just posted my first story as well so I thought I'd read yours and try to give you some feedback. I know how nervous I have been about all of this.

Anyway, congrats on a good first story. A well written solid effort. Really my only issues are ones I know I have in my own writing, pacing and dialouge. The pacing in the sex is fine, actually very good, but you rush to get there. Its hard, at least for me, I know I want to give back details and set up the characters at the same time I know I need to hold interest, people are here for the saucy stuff afterall. So, there seems to be a stitled shift between the two, at least as I read it.

As for dialouge, Nikki's voice and presence just seemed off to me. While I love the idea of sweet vs. sassy, it only works for me when there are hints of it before, a well placed double entandre for instance. Also, she just doesn't speak like any 19 y.o. i know. For example, lark is a word I have never heard coming out of any of my younger friends mouths. Heck, I am 27 and can't day that I have ever used it.

That aside again, it was a good story and i did enjoy it. Keep writing!

 

[Guest]

would you mind posting a link so we can find it easily?

 

[Ray Dario]

For others here is the link to your Author's page

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=78816


Now for my critique: Please remember that what I say is my opinion only and I'm not the definitive expert.


This story was well written, it had a lot of erotic tension and very good description.

The characters were a little shallow. Nothing to set them apart from every other middle aged business man and perky cheerleader. The plot was very cliche' but still well done.

Two mechanical problems I saw. First the elipses near the start of the story. Elipses are for showing incomplete thoughts not pauses. Some of the grammer books are changing about this, but I think this is still the most widely accepted rule.

Thoughts don't belong in quotes. I've ranted about this on another thread and won't repeat that here, but suffice it to say, the grammer dudes say not to put thoughts in quotes.

Maybe it is European vs. American style but "insouciance" seemed like the wrong word in "she replied, with the insouciance of youth" It's secondary literal meaning is "lighthearted unconcern : NONCHALANCE" which might fit, but it's general connotation is darker than what I would have expected here.

The last item I'll pick on is dialog. There were several places that the dialog felt stiff and forced.

After about an hour, Nikki got up to leave. "Thank you very much Uncle Dave. I am sure I'll enjoy working with you."

"Sure Nikki. I'm also excited. It will be something new for me too," I replied. "And you don't have to call me Uncle. Dave will be fine."


I think it's the lack of contractions in their speech that made this sound stiff. Anyway it's something for you to think about.

Overall I enjoyed the story. I wished it had a stronger plot and better characters. I would have liked for the main character to have changed or learned something in the story, but in short erotica that is not always there.

Good writing, keep it up and I hope to see more submissions by you.

Ray

 

[SexyChele]

I think Ray summed up most of what I saw in the story as well.

I did like the story, and thought the effort was good. I think you tried to show what sort of characters Nikki and Dave were, but they might have gone beyond the stereotypical.

I won't go over what Ray has covered, but there were a couple of things that caught my eye. They were:

1. I didn't get the "uncle" connection. In the beginning of the story, you state Nikki is the daughter of a friend. Then you portray Nikki coming into the office and calling him "uncle". If you had meant that the friend had been so close that Nikke used to look on Dave as an uncle, then I think a simple statement to that effect would have cleared up that up.

2. There were some subtle shifts in tense. (Something I am notorious, unfortunately!) For instance, the line "I suddenly realized that I was quite enjoying talking to her." I would have phrased it, "I suddenly realized that I enjoyed talking to her." But I do have to say that, for the greater part of story, you stayed in tense.

3. There were some things that seemed obvious to me, and made me question the statement. Phrases such as, "...a short sleeveless halter top..." left me asking, "Aren't all halter tops sleeveless?" And, "She picked up two cold cans of Bud..." left me wondering, if the beer was in a refridgerator wouldn't they be cold? Small stuff, yes, and maybe a bit on the picky side.

4. There were a few mismatched pronouns - such as "I quickly pulled out my cock from my mouth." This is simply editing, and a reader will understand what you are saying, but I think it gives a polished sense to the story if corrected.

5. (And, lastely!) I got a little confused at the end of the story. Throughout the story, reference was made to Nikki's blonde pubic hair. That left me with a certain light color in my mind. Yet, at the end, "She ran her fingers through her dark thatch..." Dark? How dark? I thought she was a blonde. See? It caused me, as a reader, to stop and go - huh?

Most of these items are picky, I understand. And, as with Ray, this is all just my opinion.

But I do think the story was written with a lot of thought and was written well. Keep it up and look forward to more contributions!

 

[shevyone]

Feedback

Thank you cats, dario and chelle. Your feedback was very positive and very thorough. I appreciate the time taken by you in providing such a careful critique. The points mentioned by all of you are very well taken, and I shall keep them in mind as I write further.
Thank you all and hope to be in touch with you when I post more stories

Shevyone