my first stories posted

[bekah]

like many others, i, too posted my first stories a few days a go. i'd love to hear what you think!

they can both be found in the BDSM section:

"a fuck-toy's fantasy"

"a pain slut's fantasy"

now i know that this is not for everyone, but i would truly liek your opion and suggestions!

bekah

 

[Jenny _S]

Your Story

I liked "A Fuck-Toy's Fantasy". You did a great job of bringing the reading into the story and building the sensual/emotional level to push the story along.

But the story fails for me for couple of reasons. In the opening line your write " i smile. i long for Your emails "

The "i" instead of I is hard on the reader. I understand why you did it. You wanted to show the Master/Slave relationship. In an email or private note it wouldn't make any difference. But here you are playing to a much more general audiance.

The same can be said for the "" smiley at the end of the sentence. (Also, there is no period.) This occurs again in the line, "Your intelligence. You make me laugh" with the smiley used in leiu of punctuation.

Throughout you use the "W/we" notation, again to denote the Master/Slave relationship. However, it seem in appropriate, again, for the generalized audiance of readers.

My last comment is about your use of dialogue. Generally you would write "Your fuck-toy, Sir..." he said. But you consistantly leave out the clue to the reader as to who is talking. In this case it works because of the vast difference in language used by each of the speakers. Had there been more than just bekah and the Master the reader would have become easily confused.

All in all. Good story. I like the way your story focused on the relationship rather than the sex. I don't see that in a first story that often.