My first posting, would very much appreciate some comments.

[shadowrnr]

Hello every one,

I just had my very first story posted on lit. It has a few votes, but what it doesn’t have is any comments. So I am posting here in hopes of a few of you good folks would be willing to read my story and give me some feedback. Not asking for sugar coating, just want some honest opinions to help me grow as a writer.

The story is titled: “A Night In Paradise” and it can be found at: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=236825

Thanks.

 

[sphinx kitten]

Loved it!

Great story Shadow!

I like the character development and the steamy sex scenes...I love the sensuality of your writing. It got me hot and bothered.....

I hope you let us read more!




~Sphinx Kitten

 

[caramelgirl_2]

Your story is well-written and you are off to a great start!
There were a few sentence fragments, some awkward sentences (eg."The short time left in the school year was back to normal."), but I only found one spelling error ("finance" for "fiance")
Here's my two cents on style and structure:
1. One thing I do myself and always suggest to others is to read your story aloud to yourself. If a sentence or passage is difficult to say, it is also going to be difficult for the reader to read.
2. Vary your sentence structure
3. Stay in the moment-- watch your tenses when having the character reflect.
eg. "I must say I could feel her eyes on me while I laid down my best ever rendition of Europa."
3. The description of Miss Brown was very thorough and it gave me a strong visual, but it was also VERY long. Try scattering the description of characters you choose to describe throughout the story, not all in one shot. For eg., when Miss Brown and the narrator dance, he could mention her eyes, or wherever he may have focused on her body as they danced, or the shape of her legs as she walks in front of him. Doing this will keep the story moving at a consistent pace.
4. Some sentences were too short and some were too long. Take the time to say what you really want and need to say. (eg. "Three years later as a member of a special operations team,...." Whoah! That's a lot to read without a break. And there is a lot said there. It deserves more time and consideration. At least two sentences worth .
Okay some other things about the story itself.
The first part of the sex scene was as short for me as it was for Miss Brown. It needed more narrative (descriptions), dialogue tags-- "he said", "she said", and less caps. Describe the sounds and what is being done at every single moment you can think of. Erotica is read because people want to get off on the sexy parts. Put as much energy as you can into them and make them last.
The CAPS for their vocalizations were distracting. Try not to use them. It seemed to cheapen your story-- which was very thoughtful up to that point.

I hope this helps...I know I always look forward to specific advice, so I like to give it that way. Please keep writing...you have a very promising style

 

[shadowrnr]

Thank you so much caramelgirl_2

 

[caramelgirl_2]

Thank you so much caramelgirl_2

You are very welcome