My first poem

[DarlingNikki]

I don't usually write poetry, but I have submitted one and would really appreciate it if someone would take the time to help me with it. It's very short.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=76217

Thanks,
Nikki

 

[WickedEve]

I think it's a wonderful little poem.

"Walking home alone the next morning
too smudged sullied sultry
for sunny muffin cafes and bicycles
but you smell so good in my hair"

One small suggestion that may or may not be an improvement:

Walking home alone the next morning
too sullied and sultry
for sunny muffin cafes and bicycles
but you smell so good in my hair

"smudged sullied sultry" didn't quite roll off my tongue, but that could just be me.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Thanks, WickedEve!

I do know what you mean about "smudged sullied sultry." It doesn't roll off my tongue either. I played with that line for a long time trying to get it to do that, but I really wanted all three of those words... As I said, I don't write much poetry - is it okay to compromise that way and have a poem be less technically good but say what you want it to? I don't know why I would want a less good poem, but... I don't know.

 

[Guest]

I don't usually write poetry, but I have submitted one and would really appreciate it if someone would take the time to help me with it. It's very short.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=76217

Thanks,
Nikki

I like the line about the hair. It grabs your attention when you arrive at it. A perfect ending line. Very nice.

--Xtaabay

 

[WickedEve]

I think if you simply add "and" it would give a pause that would help.
"smudged sullied and sultry"
Also, I notice that when I read the poem slower it works for me. I think the length of the poem may be what's making me read it too fast and stumble on those words. Not sure. Like I said, it's probably just me.

 

[Rybka]

How about something like:
Walking home alone the next morning
too smudged and sullied clothes asunder
for sunny muffin cafes and bicycles
but you smell so good in my hair

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[karmadog]

I like the poem, but I think I would remove 'so' from the last line. The alliteration gets a little too thick. I feel like I'm selling sea shells down by the seashore. Then I imagine Sylvester the cat trying to read it and spraying the audience with Gallagher-like amounts of saliva.

Either that, or maybe change one of the 's' words (smudged sullied sultry to something else). But what do I know? Damn little, Nikki, damn little.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Wow. Interesting points all. Thanks for responding.

I'm beginning to realize what my problem is - I wrote this so long ago that now, flawed though it may be, I can't imagine it any different. Next time I will have to ask for advice sooner! Well I will use this input in my next poem at least.

Thanks again,
Nikki

 

[karmadog]

I can relate, Nikki. I know I could improve every poem I've ever posted, but, somehow, I can't. It just doesn't seem right to change them after posting.

 

[OT]

Nikki,
yep, the second line is a mouthful.
I would also have left the "but" off the last line.

I can relate, Nikki. I know I could improve every poem I've ever posted, but, somehow, I can't. It just doesn't seem right to change them after posting.

That's an interesting point. I wonder how many see this as the end of the road, or just a temporary parking place for their poems.

Usually the second after I hit the submit button I get a flash of inspiration that would have made a poem perfect. Then the occasion feedback comes along that would make it perfect plus one.

I've yet to decide what to do with all of this late arriving perfection